Out in Left Field

I Get the Best Emails - Ongoing

2008-12-31T09:30:00.003-05:00

To: Kate
From: Doc
Subject: A Christmas Prayer

Dear Lord,

Thank you for another year... I know I probably didn't do as much as you wanted me to, but thanks for forgiving me for that, too.

Thank you for looking out for me again this year... and thank you for the people I met, good and bad. Take care of those people I've lost, look after those I've lost touch with and those who've lost touch with me. Thank you for watching over us all... Christians, Moslems, Hindus, Buddhists, atheists and agnostics, pagans and everyone else. You know many of us probably don't deserve it... but I guess that's grace for you.

Thank you for not forgetting me, when I forgot you. Thank you for not taking me too seriously, and giving me miles to go and mountains to climb. Thanks for not taking me in vain, though I used your name that way a few times... well... a lot of times.

Thanks for minimizing the bullies in the world and providing them with the Darwin Award to aspire to.

Thanks for the abundance you've given me... but also thanks for the things you've taken away. It's been through the things I've lost that I have learned to appreciate the blessing, gifts and talents you've given me more.

Thanks for the angry people in my life, because looking at them taught me how I don't want to appear to others. Thank you for the ignorant people in my life for showing me why I have to keep learning so as not to embarrass myself in front of others. Thank you for my ex-wife, who proved to me how selfish, self-centered and foolish one person can be when they believe they can do no wrong... and how many people they can hurt without caring.

Thanks for my disabilities... but thank you even more for my abilities, my sense of humor and fairness. Thank you for making me scrupulous and having an overdeveloped sense of right and wrong.

Thanks for my parents... for the time I had with them... and showing me what I missed when they weren't in my life.

Thanks for my doctors... though I don't always trust them, but they have had some success in making me a healthier if somewhat different person than I was before... I think it's the drugs.
But, most of all thank you for You... and I pray in the coming year that those who don't really know you, those who view your word as inflexible, not dynamic, and locked in time may have the broomsticks removed from their asses and finally see the beauty in their neighbors... not because the Constitution tells them they have to... but because You do.

Amen.

Have the best New Year, Kate!

Family Quotes I'm Allowed to Share

2008-12-30T07:08:00.000-05:00

Some people complain about family. They write somber novels, produce trite movies, and drink themselves silly in some vain attempt to forget their roots and erase from memory about a trillion bad experiences.

Poor bastards.

Clearly they’ve never partied with the Durkin clan of northeastern Pennsylvania, where the good always outweighs the bad. There are different last names – Finans and O’Malleys, to name a few – but I’m including all of them under the Durkin umbrella. ‘Cause I’m a big-tent kind of girl.

My family is large, strange, crazy, complex, loving, and utterly spectacular. A cousin got married a few months ago and so his parents, my aunt and uncle, threw a party for them this past weekend. Thanks to lower gas prices and a relocation to Florida, the Robinsons were able to attend. We spent some time with my brother and his lovely wife in Philadelphia and then proceeded to Scranton for the reception.

Whenever you get a largely Irish Catholic bunch and mix in Jews, Muslims, agnostics, three Protestants, at least two Italians, some Poles, and alcohol – somebody’s gonna say something weird, funny, or both.

Here is a sample of what I heard over the past few days.

“I have the same reaction when reading her profile on Facebook that I have when eating a grapefruit.”

“Uncle Joe is in his element.”

“Your two children just offered to buy everyone in the bar a shot of whiskey with the money I gave them for Chanukah.”

“How’s DC? Wall-to-wall douchebags.”

“You’re a lot prettier and nicer than you used to be.”

“Mommy, some woman at the bar gave me her email address and said to contact her in about ten years.”

“Your husband is in his element.”

“I hate getting poked or pushed on Facebook. And why is someone always trying to get me to read Out in Left Field?”

“I liked your newsletter this year. My granddaughter isn’t learning enough curse words at school, now I have to keep her away from the Christmas cards.”

"Growing up, I spent a lot of time with the Jews. I'm probably the only Roman Catholic Jew you'll ever meet."

"Your kids make me feel like a super star."

"You don't have to hold in your tummy at all. I just heard three people say they're willing to give the vegan thing a try."

"No one told me sparkled tops weren’t in style anymore.”

“Do you see what I’m dealing with?”

"I'm not used to mingling with family while sober. Maybe I should hang out with your husband. He's been doing this for twenty years."

“Two doctors once told me that I wouldn’t live to see my fortieth birthday. That was twenty years ago. Meanwhile I’m fine. And those doctors? May they rest in peace.”

“I am not in my element.”

“The couple’s first dance is Afternoon Delight? He's got to be related to you.”

“Look at you, Catherine, in that little tiny dress, dancing up a storm. Confidence is no longer an issue, huh?”

"I know all the stories and haven't blogged a thing. Don't look so surprised."

That last comment was me.

I told you. The good always outweighs the bad. Another cousin is getting married next October.

I can hardly wait.

2008 – The Year in Pee Yoo

2008-12-28T17:38:00.002-05:00

Is anyone really sorry to see 2008 bite the dust? Filled with great joys and sorrows, this year blasted our conscience and bowels. What’s up with ABC canceling Boston Legal? Let’s review the last twelve months that took us from Colorado to Florida, and how it affected your favorite family of freak shows.

December – Oldest and Youngest star in a Christmas play at their school in Colorado Springs. Nana and Grandpa brave airline prices and frozen snot to attend. Husband observes that the play is not *exactly* Broadway because the actors pick their noses, the "theatre" looks like "the gym" and the children in attendance a) scream, b) sing louder than the performers, and c) pass gas that would choke a cow. Catherine gets drunk for the first time in ten years at Becky and David’s Holiday Party. Husband likes her better that way. Catherine endures uncomfortable silences with evangelicals at work when she wears shirt that says, “Oy to the World.”

January – Catherine and Husband celebrate New Year with Aaron and Melissa by playing Scruples. No other board game helps you learn about your friends, how long it took for them to have sex, and their thoughts regarding stale bread in a restaurant. It helps to drink two bottles of wine and some champagne. Best New Year since Becky and Catherine rang in ’84 with wine coolers and Don Henley songs. Oldest and Youngest turn 8 and the Patriots lose the Superbowl. Youngest decides he hates New York more than Colorado classmates. Catherine starts her own business - Durkin Writers Group – trying to craft articles and speeches without sarcasm or curse words.

February – The boys take hockey lessons so they’ll fit in with toothless neighbors. Catherine caucuses for Obama and becomes a vegan – uncomfortable silences at work get longer. She drags Husband and the boys through South Dakota and Wyoming to see Crazy Horse, Mount Rushmore, and Devil’s Tower. Driving in a snowstorm isn’t as much fun as it sounds. They pass one other vehicle during the thousand mile trip. "Did you see the driver smile at us?" I asked. "Yeah," Husband said. "He's thinking, 'Jews in a can. Yummy.’”

March – Snow days bring fun conversations with kids about the Holocaust and sex.

Me: What did you learn about in Hebrew School yesterday? Oldest: A lot. We learned about concentration camps. Me: Oh? What about them? Oldest: They put Jewish people in camps. We also learned about Anne Frank. Me: What about her? Oldest: She had very special diarrhea. (long pause) Me: I did not know that. Oldest: She wrote about her life in a concentration camp. Me: Oh. She wrote about that in a *diary* sweetie. Not diarrhea.

Youngest: What does s-e-x mean? Me (reaching for wine): I'm sorry, sweetie, what are you asking? Youngest: Colin at school was talking about s-e-x. What does it mean? Me: Sex is how mommies and daddies make babies. (Eight year-olds get the less is more, conservative version. Condoms and foreplay are another talk for another time.) Youngest: How do mommies and daddies make babies? (Oldest walks over to our part of the living room. Reading his mind is easy: Forget Sports Illustrated, what's Mom and Youngest talking about? After introducing terms like fallopian tubes and parenting after graduate school, I pray the conversation is over.) Me: Sex is okay to talk about here at home with mommy and daddy, but let's not go around discussing this with others. Let the other kids' parents decide when to tell them, okay? Youngest: Yeah, cause Colin still believes in Santa. Let him wait until graduate school to find out what his penis does. (I've seen Colin. He'll be in his forties before he finds out what his penis does. But that's another talk for another time.)

April – Catherine learns how to write without offending anyone and Durkin Writers Group finally gets paying clients. Husband loses bet with Nana. It snows in Colorado and Catherine takes the boys to Tampa for Spring Break. Upon their return, drama ensues. Oldest and Youngest’s principal blames said drama on Oldest’s swagger and Youngest’s confidence. Tells them to dial it down. Catherine starts memoir about teaching in Tampa because therapy is too expensive. Husband coaches flag football team and wonders if the temperature will ever go above 40.

May – Catherine’s up for her first review in Colorado school system. Confident it'll be positive and professional, she doesn’t worry. They say she’s knowledgeable and passionate. Strong work ethic. So far so good. Then they complain she’s not empathetic or compassionate or Christian enough. Plus she wears colorful sweaters. Then a snowstorm hits. The Robinsons decide the Robinsons belong in Florida – Catherine wishing she’d never told the state to “Kiss off.”

June – Family travels to Yellowstone and The Grand Tetons because the Robinsons love nature and wild animals from the safety of an automobile that does 0 to 60 in three seconds.

Husband turns 40 and wonders why he can’t see past his elbow. Nana flies out to Colorado and drives back home with Catherine and kids in tow. Hits Memphis for family fun where they learn about alcoholic musicians, Dr. King’s assassination and lynching. ‘Cause theme parks are for pussies. Get back to Tampa and Grandpa wonders when empty nest syndrome will become a reality instead of a dream.

July – Catherine starts a new job training teachers and Husband returns to regular commuting between Colorado and Florida. He pretends to miss the arguments over tofu. They put the house up for sale in Colorado just as housing market reaches all-time low - continuing their streak of lucrative financial planning.

August – Boys start 3rd grade at a private Jewish school where they won’t get into trouble for answering questions correctly. At home in Lutz, a good old-fashioned ass whipping was bound to happen. Next door neighbors step to the boys and Oldest tries to run inside. Husband pokes his head out the side door and says, "Defend yourself, son." Another moment later, Youngest sneaks away as well. "Don't leave your brother's side," Husband tells him at the front door. "They're trying to get out of it," I say. "Nonviolent resistance." "Not on my watch," Husband and Grandpa mumble. My boys ball up their fists and start swinging. The fistfight ends in a matter of seconds. The neighbor’s kids run home crying and vowing revenge. The boys are shook up and teary-eyed, but triumphant nonetheless. The next day, all four boys are the pool while Husband fires up the grill and Grandpa tends to the lawn. Catherine grabs a beer. When in Lutz, after all...

September – Catherine wears shorts and t-shirts and takes her boys to Little League. When officials ask for parents to play a quarter or inning or whatever the hell it's called, Catherine actually grabs a bat, hits the ball, and runs the bases. Correctly. She calls women "gals", drinks cherry wine and doesn’t complain about the heat or bugs or Grandpa anymore. She. Talks. To. People. Aunt Mimi comes to town and hardly recognizes her. Buys her a pair of True Religion jeans and encourages her to “sip” her cocktails.

October – Husband and Catherine celebrate 13 years of marriage, 20 years of couplehood and fall asleep watching Boston Legal. Catherine finishes her memoir and retains legal counsel and a bodyguard. Just in case. Nana continues cooking for everyone, Catherine is so happy she vows never to leave. Grandpa takes up hard drugs and blames it on his sinuses.

November –Catherine reconnects with Julie, one of her closest lifelong friends, as well as future stalkers on Facebook. The boys get high honor roll and Husband is home often enough to steal Grandpa’s coffee and remaining good moods. Obama gets elected. Catherine turns 39 – ready to rock and roll for her last year as a thirty-something.

Here’s to 2009. Vegas anyone?

A Facebook Conversation - Ongoing

2008-12-27T07:03:00.004-05:00

The family and I took a little road trip. To Scranton. Pennsylvania. In the wintertime.

My cousin got married a few months back and so we're going to celebrate his nuptials with big to-do tonight at the Parish Center. In Scranton. Pennsylvania.

On the way, while reading, listening to music, yelling at my children to pipe down, and checking email - I made it a point to update my status periodically on Facebook.

'Cause I'm a multi-tasking queen. Here is a conversation I had with a couple of my closest online buddies. (I took out all references to porn. 'Cause I'm a lady, as well.)

Catherine is packing and getting ready for the big road trip in the morning.

Julie: PLEASE drive safe and don't talk to strangers - don't even look at them!!!

Brother: Took a look down a northbound road. Right away I made my choice. Headed out to my big four-wheeler. I was tired of my own voice. Took a beat on the northern plains. And just rolled that power on...

Husband: Is that Springsteen?

Julie: I don't get it.

Brother: Roll Me Away. Good road trip song. Don't get me wrong, Julie. Bob Seger is no Whitesnake...or any other shit you rolled to in the 80's.

Julie: I am so feeling right at home!!! Thank you!!! Whitesnake is Cathy. I can't even name a song they sang. BUT, I do love that you remember the good old days!!!

Catherine is thinking that maybe soy nog and brandy isn't the best drink when trying to pack for an early mornin' shove off.

Dalia: Too bad you can't swing thru Jersey on the way home.

Catherine is roadtrippin' it to Raleigh. Call me if something comes up!

Brother: Your friend Julie sent me a Facebook Friend Request. Funny, after all these years, chick still wants me.

Becky: Safe trip you guys! Have fun!

Catherine is eating apples at Burger King where pics of local hero Ray Miley killing bears hang. Love it.

Sister: Yeah, but isn't it cool that BK has apple slices?

Catherine is amazed. If you roll down the window in South Carolina, you can actually smell racism. And SuperDave's feet.

Chase: And yet, isn't Florida where the largest Confederate Flag flies, right in your city, if I'm not mistaken ... get over it, Florida's no better. Ever been to east Pasco?

John: She lived in Wesley Chapel and lives currently in Lutz Chase, I figure she knows to one degree or another that Florida isn't far from "Deliverance."

Ron: Paddle faster, I hear banjo music!!

Chase: I'm aware of that John, my point is that pointing a finger at South Carolina is a bit ironic, considering Florida's own issues. Racism is everywhere, I would say there are parts of South Carolina where it's rampant, and parts where it's not, just like any state.

Sara: Tell the Old Ball Coach the Hawkeyes are going to hand it to them on the 1st! And then run like hell...safely of course.

Catherine is leaving Raleigh with a chill in the air and the car until Husband gets some coffee.

Catherine is listening to Snoop and reading Stephen Colbert's book somewhere in Virginia. Hope we don't get shot.

Catherine is in Philadelphia. Smells delightful.

Catherine about to walk the streets of Philadelphia and spread some brotherly love.

Adam: Remember that the guy sitting on the steam vent isn't Santa, so don't let the kids sit on his lap.

Catherine is eating at The Plough. Free booze. May never leave.

Husband: FREE? Who said I'm payin'?

Becky: C'mon, you know we make you guys pay for it one way or another...

Catherine is going to see The Liberty Bell and Independence Hall this morning. Hope we don't get jumped by those burly Homeland Security guards.

Adam: ahhh...nothing like an afternoon filled with tourist-centered revisionist history.

Catherine: It wasn't bad. I still got teary-eyed and proud and sh*t. But Betsy Ross's house? That sh*t was totally made up.

Catherine is heading to Scranton. You heard me.

June: Cool! My grandmother lives there!

Catherine is surrounded by drunks, graves, and the rolling hills of Pennsylvania.

Steve: That sounds like me last night.

Catherine: Except that I'm related to most of the people in the graves here. And most of the drunks, too.

Happy Christmas

2008-12-25T07:14:00.000-05:00

From me to you...circa 1970.

Holiday Wishes from My Ass to Yours - Ongoing

2008-12-24T15:10:00.000-05:00

Holiday Wishes from My Ass to Yours

2008-12-24T07:08:00.001-05:00

Best Songs of the Season

2008-12-23T07:38:00.003-05:00

These are my favorite Holiday songs. In no particular order...

Two of the most beautiful faces and voices in music...

Sing along with me...

And my kids' favorite...

Hands down, no one sings this better...

And the absolute best...without question.

Happy Happy Happy Chanukah

2008-12-22T07:25:00.002-05:00

It bears repeating...

Chanukah. Eight crazy nights.

In our house, we break it down with a different theme each evening. Try these ideas and add them to your own celebration:

1st Night - Fun: Has to be something enjoyable. No other redeeming value necessary.

2nd Night - Homemade: The gift must be our own creation. Poem. Rant. Rave. Or stick figures glued together and colored with Crayola's finest. More than likely these are future decorations to be stored away and taken out each December until the kids graduate college. Gifts that keep on giving.

3rd Night - Books: They are a treasure and more valuable than jewelry. You heard me. Old, new, paperback, hard cover - doesn't matter. Whenever someone asks about movies for my children, I politely ask them to get books instead. A book is always better than the movie anyway.

4th Night - Family: A gift we all can use and appreciate. No honey, this doesn't count. Nice try, though.

5th Night - Practical: Underwear. Socks. Sweaters. Important stuff.

6th Night - Charity: We bust open the piggy banks and donate some money to a worthy cause. We talk about why Joshua House, Mother Jones or the American Civil Liberties Union deserves our cash.

7th Night - Educational: Must *encourage* the use of brain cells. Not their destruction.

8th Night - Freebie: Whatever you want. As long as it isn't dangerous or fattening.

Come up with some themes yourselves and don't forget to pass the latkes. Happy Chanukah!

Who Wears Old Spice Anyway?

2008-12-21T07:48:00.004-05:00

The cologne that smells like alcoholic traveling salesmen smells even worse now.

Old Spice sponsored a contest recently through an all-things-penis-y blog called 'The Art of Manliness.' This site focuses on "uncovering the lost art of being a man."

I sh*t you not.

I've been to the Ale House on Sunday afternoons. It ain't lost and it ain't art.

The contest named its 2008 Man of the Year: Matthew Chancey. Lots of people are up in arms because Chancey is a rightwing nutjob who runs Vision Forum. Vision Forum is a nasty little movement that remembers with fondness the years when slavery thrived and women were burned at the stake for talking out of turn.

They have this to say about homosexuality.

"Homosexuality is not a victimless crime. It is a cruel moral perversion that wreaks moral, physical and spiritual havoc on men, women, children, families and institutions. The Bible makes no distinction between homosexuals, pedophiles, bestials and rapists. All are criminals, the toleration of which brings judgment on the land and devastation to children."

I wonder if Vision Forum condones killing children who don't observe the Sabbath. The Bible is all about that too. In a perfect world, right?

Even worse is the vision of women these self-loathers want to promote. They publish books calling for women to:

- submit to their husbands.
- accept 'faithful' daughterhood, forgoing college to stay under a father's protection until marriage.
- refrain from voting.
- stay at home and teach their children.

I'm not afraid of these people. Their hard-on for 1950s repression and bigotry, those days when they were kings, is laughable. But why would Old Spice and Proctor & Gamble want their brand associated with this backwoods anti-intellectualism and nonsense? Do they want to go back, too?

Contact the HRC and GLAAD.

We should boycott P&G, but let's leave haters like Matthew Chancey alone. Vision Forum's world is crumbling down and I, for one, am toasting their demise.

It's almost over. Let them cry about it.

Here's Why Rick Warren Wasn't a Bad Choice

2008-12-20T16:13:00.002-05:00

Yes, he's a fairy-tale believing bigot. He says unbelievably stupid things on national television.

But we are never going to win the fight for gay marriage and transform the United States into an inclusive country where gays and lesbians have equal rights until we get all the fairy-tale believing bigots on our side.

I wish it weren't that way, but it is. We have to accept it and get about changing minds and then the laws will change as well.

Fairy-tale believing bigots will not see things our way if we keep them outside the process. We have to welcome them into the conversation and let them play ball.

Rick Warren adds a touch of credibility to Barack Obama's inauguration for thousands of people who'd rather pretend this isn't such a big deal. They'd like to ignore this moment in history. They want to stay angry and bitter and opposed to change.

And now they can't because their hero is gracing the event with his and the Lord's presence.

We have to understand Barack Obama and the reasons behind his actions that appear to go against our liberal sensitivities. We have to be smarter than that.

We have to be smarter than the fairy-tale believing bigots. Because that's how we'll win.

A Moment of Gratitude - Just a Moment

2008-12-19T06:47:00.000-05:00

Not a whole lot to gripe about during this holiday season.

Well. That's not entirely true. I got a lot going on, but that's another post for another time. Right now, I'd like to say that I'm digging family and friends.

I've seen families interact throughout the years - some healthy, some dysfunctional. The more people I meet, the more I'm grateful for those to whom I've been joined together by a higher power. I have never wanted to be a part of any crew other than my own. Don't get me wrong. The Durkin clan is nuts. No question. But they're my kind of nuts.

They are also kind, loving, considerate, and funny as hell. Siblings, spouse, children, parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

They are mine all mine.

Friends are similar. At every holiday party this year, I see people who socialize together and never before have I realized the extent of my blessings. As I look back over my life, my closest friends are the best people I've ever met.

Period.

Whenever I've had the good fortune to meet a warm, loving, giving, funny, and smart human being - my good fortune multiplied ten-fold because they've stuck around. From new friendships begun two years ago to old friends coming back into my life to twenty-six years of solid companionship, my loves are my life.

And so, in the spirit of the season, I'd like to say - Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, and Happy Holidays to you all.

I love you.

Sites I'm Enjoying

2008-12-18T20:15:00.003-05:00

The boys at work like to hit Outback when vendors arrive to take us to lunch. No worries. Outback whips up a yummy salad for me upon request - greens, mushrooms, tomatoes, cukes, candied pecans. I top if off with some honey mustard salad dressing and nothing tastes better.

Then I find out that the honey mustard dressing is mayo based.

And that will never do. (Although mayo is better than semen. Eyooooo.)

So I find this site and scream for joy. Seems all you have to do is punch in the popular restaurant and they'll tell you the vegan-friendly menu items.

Score.

But if you don't want to be happy and prefer to gripe - might as well do it with wit and some style.

Of course, I know the anonymous bastards behind this site. But if I told you, I'd have to kill you.

How the Mitch Stole Christmas

2008-12-17T09:42:00.002-05:00

Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell was all about the Wall Street Bailout. His buddies deserved only the best in taxpayers' money.

But when it comes to auto workers and middle class families who are struggling to survive - he demands they accept huge cuts in pay and healthcare.

His heart is two sizes too small.

He's trying to steal Christmas this year from millions of American auto workers, their families, and their communities.

Send a Lump of Coal to The Mitch Who Stole Christmas. Then tell him to take his sack of broken promises to the top of Mount Phuket and Suck It.

Back to the Lab Again, Yo

2008-12-16T08:46:00.002-05:00

Not bad. As far as rejections go.

Dear Catherine,

Thanks so much for sending this my way – it’s certainly a compelling story, but I’m afraid that I didn’t fall in love with the writing as much as I hoped I would. I think it’s a purely subjective thing, because the proposal and sample materials were well-written; you just need to find the agent who really clicks with this.

Thanks again for sending, and very best of luck with it!

I will continue to put myself, my heart, and my rockin' memoir out there. Not going to pull a George McFly or anything.

But it ain't easy. That's all I'm saying.

Most Ridiculous Headline Ever

2008-12-15T17:14:00.003-05:00

"Bush's Iraq-Afghan Trip Marred By Dissent."

Oh yeah? Well thousands of men and women had their own tours of Iraq and Afghanistan marred by death. So take the dissent.

Poor baby.

Driving Miss Darby

2008-12-15T09:49:00.007-05:00

For those who missed it, my family dedicates one night of Chanukah to charity. We light the menorah and instead of receiving gifts, we give them. My children, husband and I talk about the charity, its work and importance. My kids bust open their piggy banks and together we donate money to a worthy cause.

Then I send them to bed, drink a bottle of wine, watch It's A Wonderful Life and jump naked into the nearest pool.

It's a routine.

I've been wondering which charity to choose when I got this email from Darby. Readers will remember her from a few weeks back - a high school friend who is facing cancer with strength, grace, and wisdom.

Here is an excerpt:

Dear Friends,

I am a lucky girl! I have been blessed with a loving family, a loving husband and AWESOME friends. In this holiday season when most of us are struggling to get a few decorations out, my neighborhood girlfriends have generously given of their time to create a charity to raise money for Dr. Emens' research trial.

The ‘Driving Miss Darby Charity’ has been created to actively support the research efforts being made to find a vaccine aimed at disarming Breast Cancer.

Our goal is to support the efforts of Dr. Leisha Emens and her trial patients as she continues in her quest to develop an innovative immune-based therapy for the treatment of breast cancer. Immune-based therapy is a novel cancer treatment strategy that uniquely recruits an individual’s immune system to fight cancer. This approach takes advantage of the body’s own ability to fight cancer in a highly specific way that avoids the debilitating side effects commonly associated with standard cancer treatments like chemotherapy and radiation. Successful immune-based therapies should also have a long-lasting treatment effect due to the ability of the immune response to persist and become re-activated at the first sign of tumor growth or relapse. Every successful cancer treatment being used today started as a clinical trial, a three-step research process to evaluate the safety and effectiveness of a new treatment.

Dr. Emens’ vaccine is currently in Phase I, Part II of the clinical trial process. To date, 41 women, who are Stage IV, metastatic breast cancer patients, have willingly given of their time and resources to be a part of this vaccine study. For 6-8 months we must find our way to Johns Hopkins to receive the trial vaccine and other conventional cancer therapies. We are asked to be at the hospital weekly and, during the vaccine injection week, daily in an effort to scientifically monitor our immune response to the trial medication. With such an intensive schedule, it has been hard to find the number of women necessary to complete the initial Phase of the trial and move forward to a more wide-base study.

The Driving Miss Darby Charity is working towards a goal of raising funds to support Dr. Emens’ research and provide awareness in the breast cancer community about her innovative therapy. During this holiday season, as you consider your end of year charitable contributions, please consider donating to the Driving Miss Darby Charity - where 100% of the funds will be given directly to Dr. Emens via the Sydney Kimmel Cancer Center.

Please reply to with your pledge of donation by Friday, December 19th, at which time we will be making a presentation to Dr. Emens.

Donations should be mailed to our treasurer:
Driving Miss Darby Charity
c/o Pam Fusting
327 Red Magnolia Court
Millersville, MD 21108

I hope you will join with me and my neighborhood friends in supporting Dr. Emens' research.

Merry Christmas!

Darby Steadman
Patient #11, Phase I, Part II
Dr. Emens Breast Cancer Vaccine Trial

Merry Christmas, indeed.

Gay is the New Black

2008-12-14T10:54:00.004-05:00

It's no secret that I have a certain amount of contempt for religion. I don't even know if I believe in God, really. It depends on the day.

Combine this contempt with my liberal sensibilities and a brain and, oh I don't know, concern for my fellow human beings and *of course* I'm not swayed by religious arguments against gay marriage.

That's why it's nice to read articles such as this.

Here is a woman with a high regard for religious institutions and traditions, mapping out arguments that thoughtful and devout believers can refer to when arguing for gay marriage.

Nice change of pace is all.

I Get the Best Emails - Ongoing

2008-12-13T10:55:00.003-05:00

My full-time job has me swamped, part-time writing gigs pile up around me, and an agent wants to see a proposal for my memoir Learning Curves: Five Years in the Nation's Most Scandalous School District.

Side Note: If you have any experience with book proposals, email me and I'll send you mine to look over. Seriously. I've had two experts review the 17-page laugh fest and I need more eyes. Help a sister out.

Anyway, my point is this - I haven't had much time to devote to OILF and I'm so cheating today, by posting an email I got from Michael Moore. I found it an interesting read and thought I'd share.

If you don't like my plagiarizing ways, suck it. I'll be back to normal by Monday.

To: Catherine
From: Michael Moore
Subject: Senate to Middle Class: Drop Dead

They could have given the loan on the condition that the automakers start building only cars and mass transit that reduce our dependency on oil.

They could have given the loan on the condition that the automakers build cars that reduce global warming.

They could have given the loan on the condition that the automakers withdraw their many lawsuits against state governments in their attempts to not comply with our environmental laws.
They could have given the loan on the condition that the management team which drove these once-great manufacturers into the ground resign and be replaced with a team who understands the transportation needs of the 21st century.

Yes, they could have given the loan for any of these reasons because, in the end, to lose our manufacturing infrastructure and throw 3 million people out of work would be a catastrophe.
But instead, the Senate said, we'll give you the loan only if the factory workers take a $20 an hour cut in wages, pension and health care. That's right. After giving BILLIONS to Wall Street hucksters and criminal investment bankers -- billions with no strings attached and, as we have since learned, no oversight whatsoever -- the Senate decided it is more important to break a union, more important to throw middle class wage earners into the ranks of the working poor than to prevent the total collapse of industrial America.

We have a little more than a month to go of this madness. As I sit here in Michigan today, tens of thousands of hard working, honest, decent Americans do not believe they can make it to January 20th. The malaise here is astounding. Why must they suffer because of the mistakes of every CEO from Roger Smith to Rick Wagoner? Make management and the boards of directors and the shareholders pay for this.

Of course that is heresy to the 31 Republicans who decided to blame the poor, miserable autoworkers for this mess. And our wonderful media complied with their spin on the morning news shows: "UAW Refuses to Give Concessions Killing Auto Bailout Bill." In fact the UAW has given concession after concession, reduced their benefits, agreed to get rid of the Jobs Bank and agreed to make it harder for their retirees to live from week to week. Yes! That's what we need to do! It's the Jobs Bank and the old people who have led the nation to economic ruin!

But even doing all that wasn't enough to satisfy the bastard Republicans. These Senate vampires wanted blood. Blue collar blood. You see, they weren't opposed to the bailout because they believed in the free market or capitalism. No, they were opposed to the bailout because they're opposed to workers making a decent wage. In their rage, they were driven to destroy the backbone of this country, not because the UAW hadn't given back enough, but because the UAW hadn't given up.

It appears that the sitting President has been looking for a way to end his reign by one magnanimous act, just like a warlord on his feast day. He will put his finger in the dyke, and the fragile mess of an auto industry will eke through the next few months.

That will give the Senate enough time to demand that the bankers and investment sharks who've already swiped nearly half of the $700 billion gift a chance to make the offer of cutting their pay.

Fat chance.

Let's Get Rid of Sansom

2008-12-12T12:47:00.003-05:00

With so many good people losing their jobs, why should this bozo hold on to his?

Click here and participate in his sacking. As more details emerge, it seems quite clear. Homeboy belongs in Illinois, not in Florida.

Gotta Love Congress - Always Lookin' Out for Me and You

2008-12-11T22:12:00.001-05:00

Adventures in Parenting

2008-12-10T17:41:00.003-05:00

My kids have been challenging lately. After two or three evenings of strong-willed and opinionated debates followed by consequences that feel like a punishment for me, too, I've daydreamed out loud about moving to Paris. Or the Middle East.

Alone.

I'm not a shouter or a spanker. I tend to look incredibly disappointed and take sh*t away from them. No electronics on television next weekend. Bed right after dinner. No dessert.

That sort of thing.

The other night, Oldest gave me a handwritten note. I smelled an apology and opened it skeptically. Boy. Was I wrong.

Dear Mom,

Remember when you said you would pay us a dollar for every time you cursed? Well, I did some math and you owe me and Youngest twenty bucks.

Love,
Oldest

So apparently, they hear me when those disappointed looks are followed by mumbles that include "goddamn it," "stop being a pain in my ass," and "this parenting gig is for shit."

Good to know.

Rally in Tally for Equality

2008-12-09T16:30:00.002-05:00

Equality Florida is hooking up with allies across Florida for a Rally in Tally on Monday, March 16.

Pissed about Amendment 2? Hate violence? Wanna help introduce bills that will repeal Florida's shameful ban on gay adoptions?

The rally will mark the start of the second annual Equality Florida Lobby Week. Come join the gang in Tallahassee for the rally, then stay for all or part of the week and talk to legislators about why all families matter.

To register for Lobby Week, March 16-19, click here now.

I Get the Best Snail Mail - Ongoing

2008-12-08T08:43:00.003-05:00

To: Catherine
From: Favorite Uncle
Subject: A Politically Correct Holiday Greeting

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice , but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all.

Additionally, a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to race, creed, color, religion, or sexual orientation.

(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)

Choice Move Gang

2008-12-07T10:32:00.006-05:00

Don't get me wrong - big fan of the pro-choice movement in general and Planned Parenthood in particular. They do a lot for women in need of a choice and inexpensive health care options.

But who in their right mind stuffs a stocking with Planned Parenthood gift certificates?

Nothing kills holiday cheer quicker than thinking about a wart that needs freezing. You don't believe your daughter's New Year's resolution to lay off the football team? Fine, schedule a talk instead of reminding her with a gift under the tree that she's a little too much like her mother.

Then this embarrassing trend started making the rounds on cable news.

Failing to report sex between a thirteen year-old girl and a thirty-one year old man is disturbing on several levels.

The anti-choice movement is working hard to take reproductive freedom away from women. Encouraging children to hide or cover up statutory rape only gives the anti-choice crowd more ammunition.

Not to mention such a cover up is wrong. And against the law.

We can't risk a safe and legal choice over some attention-seeking stunts and illegal/immoral behavior on the part of several staffers in different states. We shouldn't hand Sean Hannity his headlines. Make him work for it, people!

Planned Parenthood must make some resolutions of its own for 2009. New leadership would be a step in the right direction.

What Do You Think?

2008-12-06T15:38:00.001-05:00

Every year at Chanukah, my family devotes a theme to each night. Sometimes we give gifts that follow that theme - like Book Night or Education Night. Other evenings are named Fun or Freebie where the focus is on good times and the only requirement is that the gifts aren't dangerous or fattening.

On Homemade Night we make the gifts ourselves.

Yet another is Charity Night. We pick a worthy cause and give some of our money. The boys even dig into their piggy banks and we talk about the organization and why it's important after lighting the menorah.

In years past, we've chosen the ACLU, St. Jude's Hospital, Afghan Children's Fund, the Humane Society, the Red Cross and many more.

Who should we give to this year? (First one that says the Republican Party gets a long, wet kiss and then a smack across the face.)

Seriously, there are many worthy causes and I'm open to suggestions. Nothing is jumping out at me, so feel free to point me in the right...err...correct direction.

And Equality Florida wants your opinion, too.

Fill out this survey and tell them where to focus their efforts.

Equality Florida, huh? That's a worthy cause...

Where is Focus on the Family Now?

2008-12-06T08:30:00.003-05:00

An 8 year-old child is taken to a gun show and shoots himself in the face with an Uzi submachine gun. Dad is right behind him, but unfortunately isn't hit. Christopher Bizilj, the child, is killed instantly.

Dad gets on the news shortly thereafter to talk about the upside - lots of support from relatives and friends. Family values at their best.

And the asshole Don Humason whose placard is placed so prominently at the front of this crime scene? He's a gun nut, too.

If a kid was accidentally killed during a gay cruise, with an Obama placard on deck, and then the kid's two mommies got on television within the hour to talk about it, neocons would be freaking out. They'd be the first ones on Fox News and every right-wing radio talk show in the country screaming about a lack of values that's destroying our children.

Why aren't we discussing the piss poor parents out there who put weapons in the hands of children and then act surprised when the outcome is tragic? Why don't we question the politicians who support them? Why don't we talk about the hypocrisy of groups that purport to put family first, but really are only trying to further a right-wing political agenda?

I know. We don't want to appear judgmental or act as ridiculous as they do.

Meanwhile another child is gone. And the submachine gun was pried from his cold, dead hands.

Where Everybody Knows My Name

2008-12-05T07:22:00.001-05:00

I'm looking for a place to become a regular.

What are the requirements?

I'd like a locally owned establishment in North Tampa with friendly faces where I can sip a glass of wine and relax with a good book. Maybe some enlightened conversation.

I'm not asking for much.

Not interested in the kind of place where Jody Foster got raped in The Accused. So Denning's Lounge on Florida Avenue is out.

Maybe Villaggio Ristorante? Yummy food. Except their bar only serves wine and beer. What about the days when a cosmopolitan calls my name?

The Red Elephant has a full-service bar, but it's way trendy. What about the days when I'm in jeans and a t-shirt? Plus I don't think it's locally owned.

Maybe Skipper's Smokehouse is more my speed. Relaxing, good music most of the time, and comfortable.

I don't know, but I'm open to suggestions.

Too bad they closed Volley Club.

Ray Sansom - Take Your Jobs and Shove It

2008-12-04T13:09:00.003-05:00

At a time when most Floridians are struggling to find or keep jobs and stay afloat, Representative Ray Sansom (R-Destin) is one lucky guy.

He got two new jobs in one day.

Sansom was named the new Speaker of the Florida House and got hired at Northwest Florida State College earning at least six figures.

You're probably thinking - so what? Dude's doing all right. Good for him.

Right.

Except that earlier this year, while Florida struggled through a budget crisis, Sansom guided $25 million to Northwest even though they only asked for $1 million.

Sweet deal, I know.

So what to do with Sansom? The choices are - we could:

- do nothing.

- buy him a beer.

- pressure his fellow Reps to censure him.

- demand he step down from public service and get a job on his own instead of with our money.

- require that he resign from Northwest.

Call his office and tell him what you think.

Or take this poll at Progress Florida. Then they'll tell him for you.

What if we all could route taxpayer dollars to our dream employer and then get a sweet gig as part of the thank-you note?

Wouldn't that be something?

My Thoughts Exactly

2008-12-04T13:01:00.001-05:00

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

"Shut up, Grandma, we're playing with an evil doll!"

2008-12-04T07:12:00.000-05:00

I have been downright crabby lately. I snap at my children, elderly drivers, and neighborhood kids going door-to-door for the American Heart Association.

"Don't you think you ought to lose the Snickers bar and Big Gulp when you're canvassing for health-related donations?" I asked while sipping wine. "Christ on his throne, that high fructose corn syrup will cost you more than I have in my savings account!"

Why am I so crabby?

Well.

A purple crayon found its way into the washer and dryer. I realized this *after* the entire load of laundry was ruined and my mom's dryer permanently caked with purple marks.

Good times.

Cold weather, mood swings, desertion and a blood disorder threatens to turn me into Winona Ryder from Beetlejuice.

But I look good in black so it ain't all bad.

I'm seriously considering a tattoo - inked across my face - with pretty spiral lettering that spells out: Use your inside voice and walking feet and for the love of Christ close your mouth when you chew that g*ddamn sushi!

Told you. Downright crabby.

I'm driving home yesterday behind a ninety year-old blind woman when Cowhead's show interrupted my homicidal imaginings.

Nothing makes me laugh like Satanic children's toys.

Check it.

All I have to do is picture midwestern, God-fearing mamas all up in arms over this doll and I start giggling like a schoolgirl who just discovered her life-size Yosemite Sam toy has special powers when played with at night behind a closed door.

If I find the doll in Target this weekend, it's going in my cart.

'Cause these days, a smile is a smile. No matter where it comes from.

Fix Healthcare Now

2008-12-03T06:48:00.001-05:00

Do you believe that:

-- Our health care system must be inclusive; no American can be left out?

-- The government must be an advocate for its citizens by setting and enforcing the rules so insurance companies put our health care before their profits?

-- A standard for health benefits should be established that ensures people are kept healthy and treated when they are ill?

-- We should have the ability to keep the health care that we have with the choice of a public plan so we’re not left at the mercy of private insurance companies?

-- Health care should be affordable for people and businesses?

Then write to Senator Mel Martinez and tell him so before the Republican hightails it out of Washington with the rest of the 'em crying, "Party's over."

h/t Robin

Who Here Needs a Well-Rounded History Course?

2008-12-02T06:13:00.000-05:00

A Colorado activist sent me this clip of Wafa Sultan. The title of the email? Terrorism 101: A Refresher Course.

I wanted to write back: Are you high? How about World History 101: A Refresher Course? Because if you think Islam is the only batshit crazy religion with batshit crazy adherents, you are sadly mistaken.

The world has been around a lot longer than the past few decades when Muslim loo-loos have been all the rage.

Love Wafa Sultan. Seriously. Big fan.

While I find her arguments compelling and her bravery admirable, I can't help but disagree with part of her premise.

She's wrong when she says that Jewish people haven't killed in the name of religion. They have blown up a ton of people in the name of Israel and the Jewish God. And what about Christians? It wasn't a Crescent or Star of David burning in black people's yards back in the Sixties South. Let's not even get started about those New England witches who were murdered back in the day for opening their mouths and speaking their minds.

You can't go after one without going after all three - that leaves a whole lot of ignorant and angry followers. The People of the Book indeed...

In fact, you could replace "Muslims" with "Jews" or "Christians" in the above clip and her criticisms are still valid.

A Jew killed Rabin. Doesn't anyone remember the Inquisition or Crusades?

She's right. Parts of the Koran are hateful. So are parts of the Bible and Torah. All three religions have shed the blood of innocent people. All three religions are part of the problem. All three religions are batshit crazy with batshit crazy adherents.

Let's not pretend otherwise.

Let's Say Thanks

2008-12-01T16:44:00.003-05:00

Just because Thanksgiving is over, doesn't mean the thanking needs to stop. No matter if you're for the war or against it (is anyone really for it?) - no doubt our soldiers could use a bit of love.

Go to this web site and pick out a thank you card.

Xerox will print it and send it to a soldier currently serving in Iraq.

You can't pick out who gets the card, but it will go to a member of the armed services. This is an activity you can even do with your children.

How many online services can you say that about?

Sending the card is FREE and only takes a moment. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these?

Chapter 13

2008-12-01T09:37:00.001-05:00

And the saga continues...

Not bad for an at-home mom trying to find something to do besides eat and watch Oprah.

Fairy Tales and Super Sales

2008-11-29T07:49:00.004-05:00

'Tis the season for parents everywhere to demonstrate for their children the real meaning of the holidays.

I'd like to take this minute to learn the Bill O'Reilly crowd a thing or two.

You shouldn't worry about whether the local courthouse has a Baby Jesus out front. Don't spend a whole lot of time yelling and screaming, "Merry Christmas, Goddamn It!" when a person wishes you "Happy Holidays."

Those of us who want to include all cultures and religions aren't the ones murdering Christmas.

Those who have declared a real war on Christmas are Christians just like you.

THEY are the ones killing your special Jesus-loving day. THEY are the ones trampling people to death and THEY are the ones killing fellow Christ-lovers over a goddamn toy.

Ain't no Jews, Muslims, or agnostics out pullin' that shit.

Take it up with yourselves - Bill-O's mouthbreathing followers.

And leave the rest of us alone.

Hanging Out with Stuffed Turkeys

2008-11-27T10:22:00.002-05:00

This year, I am thankful for -

The ability to breathe through my mouth while a dead turkey neck boils over on the stove.

My family - who love me even though I won't eat their dairy desserts.

Forgiveness.

Best friends - who hold me up and keep me strong.

My liberal agenda.

Amazing brown eyes.

Stabilizing platelet counts. Even if they are still lower than George Bush's approval ratings.

Love.

A Florida address.

Fermenting grapes.

My children's giggles.

A President we can all be proud of.

The kindness of strangers.

My mom's patience.

Those times you make me laugh.

Health, happiness, and more of the same.

Happy Thanksgiving~!

The World Only Moves Forward

2008-11-26T08:55:00.003-05:00

Many families in Florida have an extra reason to be thankful tomorrow. Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Cindy Lederman said it all.

"There is no rational basis to prohibit gay parents from adopting."

The ban on gay adoptions was ruled unconstitutional. The ban on gay marriage is next.

Score one for rational adults.

Let's continue to knock down a peg those homophobic mouthbreathers who believe we should be ruled by a book of fairy tales written before we knew where the sun went at night.

Happy days really are here again.

How 'Bout Them Apples?

2008-11-25T17:52:00.005-05:00

Nana made great decorations. She'd attend Lighthouse for the Blind workshops and come home with items that continue to make us smile, more than ten years after her death.

These two pilgrims are two such creations.

At first glance, they are lovely and oh so innocent. Mr. and Mrs. Pilgrim out to gather some items for a Thanksgiving feast.

Look closer and they don't seem so innocent after all. Check out Mr. Pilgrim. What does it look like he's showing you?

"How 'bout them apples?"

Now check out Mrs. Pilgrim. What do you think she's saying?

"His apples got me in this situation."

It's in their eyes.

Their eyes are freaking me out. I'm seeing them in my dreams. Stop looking at me!

...maybe you need a few glasses of wine to see the horny and pregnant pilgrims for what they are.

Either way, if you listen closely, you can hear Nana laughing. I told you. Her decorations continue to make us smile.

A Title for My Memoir

2008-11-24T19:07:00.002-05:00

I already asked this on Facebook, now everyone gets to play.

Which title do you like best for my memoir about teaching in Tampa:

Hot for Teacher

or

Learning Curves?

Which subtitle do you like best:

How I Avoided Becoming Another Teaching Scandal - Or Didn't

or

Five Years in the Nation's Most Scandalous School District?

Back to rewrites...

I Get the Best Emails - Ongoing

2008-11-23T13:56:00.003-05:00

This one is partly true, check out Snopes.

And then proceed with caution.

To: Catherine
From: Mom
Subject: The Holidays

Wanted to give everyone a heads up that if you tend to give gift cards around the holidays, you need to make sure the cards will be honored after the holidays. Stores that are planning to close after Christmas are still selling the cards. There is no law preventing them from doing this.

Below is a partial list of stores that you need to be cautious about.

Circuit City
Ann Taylor
Nationwide
Lane Bryant, Fashion Bug ,and Catherine's
Eddie Bauer
Cache
Talbots
J. Jill
Pacific Sunwear
GAP
Footlocker
Wickes Furniture
Levitz
Bombay
Zales
Whitehall
Piercing Pagoda
Disney
Home Depot
Macys
Linens and Things
Movie Galley
Pep Boys
Sprint/Nextel
JC Penney
Ethan Allen
Wilson Leather
Sharper Image
K B Toys
Loews
Dillard's

Punk is Back

2008-11-22T06:19:00.002-05:00

Yesterday my children attended a special activity day at their school to raise money for a local patient who needs heart surgery.

My own heart skipped a beat when Oldest donated $5 and got a special haircut from some "expert" who liked piercings and anarchist politics.

Reminded me of an old boyfriend.

The hair sytlist, not my son.

This is the result...

"Do you like it, Momma?"

Reminds me of a 'do I had in 1984 - only the guy who gave it to me wasn't a professional and I didn't pay for it.

...insert your own joke here.

Kill Baby Kill

2008-11-21T13:00:00.002-05:00

Doesn't this make you want to have a slice?

Governor Sarah Palin continues to entertain...watch her pardon one turkey while others are slaughtered right behind her.

Yummy.

"But at least this was fun..."

What the Hell is Wrong with St. Petersburg?

2008-11-20T11:58:00.003-05:00

According to Howard Troxler - unilateral power that's hurting the entire region.

That's what's wrong with St. Petersburg.

It looks as though the City Council continues to do the mayor's bidding, no matter who gets hurt or goes broke in the process. On Friday, *tomorrow*, they will take up Mayor Rick Baker's plan to annex 18 acres inside Tierra Verde.

For what? A little over $132,000.

That's right. St. Pete wants to alienate neighbors, incur possibly hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees when those neighbors sue, and wreck the fragile ecosystem with unneeded development for less than what most of my Republican friends make each year.

Contact the council members and tell them that overreaching and power-hungry grabs have no place in our community.

You have one day left. Make it count.

UPDATE: Didn't work. Oh well, Howard. We tried.

Still Crazy After All These Years

2008-11-19T14:28:00.007-05:00

Julie, Cathy, and I got together this past weekend for the first time in over thirteen years. The heavens opened, angels lit up some weed, and the Lord rejoiced every time we undressed.

The Lord and Julie's neighbor. (One and the same. Right, Steve?)

In other words, all was right with the world.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit to noticing some serious changes between then and now, between yesterday's troublemakers and today's responsible grown-ups.

Here's what I noticed...

Bad sign.

Then - No single men outside a liquor store.
Now - "Don't flush - we are all out of water!" handwritten on a piece of paper and taped to the wall in a rest area just south of Sarasota.

Music and men.

Then - Cathy and I date guys like this and know all the words to their theme song.

Now - Cathy and I *pretend* to forget the words thanks to a jagermeister marathon in '92. Julie still wonders how many cavities are in the lead singer's head.

No sense of direction.

Then - Takes us five years to declare a major.
Now - Takes us five hours to get out of southeast Florida.

Our evening routine.

Then - Leave for Masquerade at midnight. Katie gets kicked out for worst fake ID ever. Sits outside with bouncers and talks politics until they let her back in. Greet sunrise with a 12-incher cause 1) that's how Cathy's boyfriends roll, 2) Subway stays open late for the rest of us and gives away free extra pickles. Katie gets kicked out for demanding dolphin-safe tuna.

Now - Everyone stops drinking at 7pm in order to take vitamins and compare varicose veins. In bed by 9:30pm.

Secrets.

Then - Cathy loves Rob Lowe even though it makes her officially uncool.
Now - Cathy plays Canasta Tournaments even though it makes her officially uncool.

Favorite lines.

Then - Katie: "I don't mean to be mean, but no."
Now - Katie: "I don't care if I'm being mean, hell no."

Alienating others.

Then - Julie yells at drivers who throw their cigarettes out the window, "The world is not your ashtray!"
Now - Julie invites Marcia to the party.

In another thirteen years, we'll get together with our pill boxes, compare age spots and laugh our asses off just like we always do.

Julie says she'll bring the Xanax.

I'm so in.

They Haven't Done Enough Damage, Right?

2008-11-18T13:08:00.003-05:00

Those pesky Bush administration officials are trying to kill as many as two-thirds of the wolf population in Yellowstone and the Rockies.

I may not belong out west, but the wolves do.

Protect them and urge the US Fish and Wildlife Service to get their heads out of their asses and come up with a balanced and responsible management plan.

Cannot *wait* to get them the f*ck out of Washington.

Forgiveness and Facebook

2008-11-14T06:05:00.001-05:00

Lots of people cut ties with their past and end relationships in order to move on. I understand the need to renew yourself by forging ahead without looking back.

But when I find someone special, I hold on for life.

I found most of my closest friends in the 1980s.

Not all. Family members have been there since the '60s. Can't forget the Boston bonds of the 1990s, special souls who will forever hold my heart in their hands. In the 2000s, I have come to cherish those who bring to mind that Elton John line, "I thank the Lord there's people out there like you."

Still. There's something remarkable about friendships that hit the twenty-year mark. Friendships that have stood the test of time without blood or genetics to hold them together. Friendships that survive because of love.

For a long time, I'd gather in my mind the girls that helped me grow - Becky, Sharon, and Cathy. In different, but wonderful ways, they helped me become the woman I am today. Becky's fierce independence, Sharon's determined loyalty, Cathy's heart of gold. We've seen it all - tears, tragedies and triumphs. Now I am heading toward my fourth decade with Beck, Sha, and Cat still very much a part of my life.

It means something.

People would say, "Wow. You've stayed connected with your best friends through junior high, high school, college and beyond? That's awesome."

I'd smile and nod. But inside there was always a nagging voice. "What about Julie?"

Julie and I were friends from 1985 - 1995. She started out as a smiling face in Chamberlain's hallways, but by freshman year in college we were inseparable. Husband would often say he couldn't tell where one ended and the other began.

You're probably thinking, "Only ten years?" But the years from fifteen to twenty-five carry more than three decades worth of growth, pain, joy, and wacky adventures in nudist colonies. Julie taught me how to drink tequila, for Christ's sake.

In 1995, Julie and I experienced what Sharon wisely refers to as "growth issues." We stopped talking. Over the years, not one day went by where I didn't wonder about how Julie was doing. I silently rooted for her health and happiness.

Finally, Sharon made 2008's equivalent of a "cut the shit, girls" declarative statement by inviting Julie to be her friend on Facebook.

"What's up with you and Katie?" she asked.

It started the ball rolling toward forgiveness. Many people will look back on November 4th, 2008 as the night we elected Barack Obama to be President of the United States. I will, too. But I will also remember that night as the night Julie and I talked for the first time in thirteen years.

Thanks, Yenta Sha.

This weekend, I'm going to Ft. Lauderdale for a well-deserved break and a reunion of sorts. A few other friends from our college years will join us (CATHY'S COMING WOO HOO!) and the weekend will also be a chance for Julie and I to reconnect. And make up for some lost time.

I am blessed because I have all my girls now. And I'm so happy I no longer have to wonder about Julie.

Tequila anyone?

It's Almost Turkey Time. You Know What That Means?

2008-11-13T09:22:00.002-05:00

It's time for my annual post entitled: "Oh no. Not in my mouth, you don't."

Test yourself. Can you watch this all the way through?

Are you still hungry for flesh and tumors and ulcers?

Vegans are thinner, healthier, cuter, tastier, and smell better than meat eaters. Don't make me prove it to you.

While you're out shopping for your Thanksgiving feast, consider picking up a few items for your local homeless shelter or soup kitchen.

I'm gonna go nibble on a carrot. Enjoy the clip, peeps.

I'm Not Really Domestically Inclined

2008-11-12T11:25:00.002-05:00

However, I do like a green kitchen, which means more than just having the right appliances and avocado-colored counters. Being eco-friendly means serving food that's easy on your digestive system and the world around you.

Answer this question: Your guests want their martinis shaken, not stirred. You'll fill the shaker with ice cubes from (a) a tray in your freezer, (b) the icemaker built into the refrigerator door, so you don't have to open the freezer.

That's one of the easy ones, peeps. Take the rest of the test here.

If all else fails, remember what my old friend Marcia used to say, "If it's organic, don't panic."

Thank a Veteran Today

2008-11-11T06:19:00.002-05:00

Here are some ways to thank former soldiers for their service to our country.

Call.

Booty-Call.

Write.

Write on their wall.

Write on their body with whipped cream.

Send a thank you note.

Deliver it in person.

Wearing your best nightie.

Have your kids send an email.

Put the kids to bed and send one yourself.

Bake some cookies.

Deliver them dressed up like a nurse or maid or cabana boy and play for a few hours.

While you're at it, thank a veteran of the police or fire departments. Thank a political veteran who secured an Obama victory last week. Thank a veteran social worker who helps the homeless. Thank a mom or dad who sacrifices for their children's future. Thank a veteran of the school system.

There are lots of ways to serve our country.

Wait. If you're going to thank a teacher or former teacher, I have more ideas...

My Zodiac Sign is Scorpio

2008-11-10T09:31:00.000-05:00

November 10, 1969--9:31am--Dunmore, Pennsylvania

My mother passed out within seconds because pain medication makes her "feel funny". Doctors used forceps to yank me out of there. Mom blames my stubborn streak and big head. I just wanted to avoid the Nixon administration.

Everyone “ooh'd” and “ahh'd” even though, let's face it, I was a funny lookin' kid. Nana and Aunt Mimi, both nurses, were available to beam. Bio Dad was off in Germany getting drunk.

Within hours, hospital administration carried me back into my mom's room with all the necessary equipment a newborn needed back in the Dark Ages. They must have looked ridiculous.

“Noreen, we have a problem,” they said. “Catherine is disturbing other infants in the nursery. While I realize you need peace and quiet, so does everyone else and frankly, we’re sick of the complaints. Catherine is going to sleep in here from now on and we use that term loosely. Good luck - she's all yours."

Don't let that cherubic face fool you.

Although once in my mother's arms, I stopped fussing immediately - content with constant attention. This theme would repeat itself in various ways for the rest of my life.

Here's to thirty-nine years of keeping it real.

Living with My Parents

2008-11-09T10:53:00.002-05:00

It presents certain challenges. Dad's a grump and Mom never met a catalog, children's artwork, or lottery ticket she didn't want to keep "just in case."

The benefits of living here are abundant. I'm saving a ton of money, my mother cooks the most delicious meals and she enjoys hanging out with my children.

The best though are their conversations. These conversations usually take place while the washing machine, dishwasher and surround sound are kickin' all at the same time.

The other night, Mom and Dad were hammering and drilling together a wooden table that will hold the All-White, All-Christian, All-the-Time Christmas Village. Dad, squatted, tried to maneuver himself underneath and got stuck. He looked like Jabba the Hut. Then he got pissed.

Mom: Don't point that drill at me. It makes me uncomfortable.
Dad: You don't know uncomfortable. I can't sit this way much longer. Pass me my beer.
Mom: Where did I put my wine?
Dad: Your second glass of wine.
Mom: Your second beer!

Dinnertime is always a load of laughs. Check it.

Dad: You asked me if I wanted a meatball sandwich and I thought it was gonna be on a hoagie. This is a damn hotdog bun!
Mom: I toasted it up real nice for you.
Dad: Can you get me a fork? Christ. It's fallin' apart.
Mom: How about 'Thank you, Noreen. This sure is tasty.' That's what our friend Alan* says to his wife even if what he's eatin' is shit.
Dad: Jeez, darlin'. Two cosmopolitans in you and this is what happens.
Mom: Those two were just what the doctor ordered.
Dad: How about that fork?
(Mom dances around the kitchen and ignores him.)

Mom and Dad saw Neil Diamond in concert a few weeks ago. Woke up the next day and put on their Neil Diamond DVD to relive the magic. Volume was 57 out of 60.

Dad: Is he married?
Mom: Huh?
Dad: IS HE MARRIED?
Mom: Oh! Catherine said he's married to some young chick.
Dad: Huh?
Mom: YES HE IS.
Dad: Oh. Yeah. That's what I thought.
Mom: That woman doesn't sing as well as Barbra Streisand.
Dad:Huh?
(Mom gets up and dances. My kids complain they can't read their books with all the goddamn noise. I wonder if it's too early to start drinking.)

Then there's this from the other day...

Mom: I got shrimp on sale at Publix today.
Dad: Huh?
Mom: I got shrimp on sale at Publix today!
(Dad shakes his head, all disgusted.)
Dad: I don't know why in the hell you'd buy a shirt at Publix. They mark it up to high hell and the quality is for shit...
(Mom laughs and pours herself another glass of wine.)

If you can't beat 'em...

Lutz Little League Isn't for Wimps

2008-11-08T08:14:00.003-05:00

I have never really enjoyed outdoor activity and sports are boring. There. I said it. Combining the two always sounded like torture until I had children of my own.

Sure, I'd prefer an air-conditioned museum or theatre-going experience, but I gave birth to two athletes. They came out swinging so there's nothing I can do. They already have to deal with a mouthy mom who uses sarcasm and underwear to make a point. The least I can do is sit my nicely toned ass in the stands and cheer them on.

But make no mistake, Little League is rough.

First of all, there's the bugs. Insects in Lutz are suicidal and dangerous, like Lindsay Lohan on crack. Two have already gotten caught in my hair and one flew into the ump's mouth when he was fighting with a parent over a lousy call.

Parents are worse than the bugs. Mas and Pas drag their kids on the field when those poor runts are sick, tired, and then they yell at them to "wake up and look alive!" The coaches scream and yell and, if you listen closely enough, you can hear their arteries hardening. If I hear one more idiot holler, "Baseball ready!" I will kill him before his inevitable stroke does.

The political discussions are priceless. Folks who can't quite grasp score-taking responsibilities try to talk about political beliefs based on five minutes of Fox News before happy hour begins. Spare me your foreign policy theories, Bubba, and just keep chewin' that tobacco. Mow my lawn afterwards and pipe down.

Fall Ball is supposed to be the practice league to prepare for the ultra-competitive Spring Ball. In the fall, they stack a few teams with known superstars and the rest of the teams get newbies and uncoordinated future accountants. Scouts sniff around and see who to watch for when tryouts take place in February or March.

I hate that I know all this, but I do. I sit in the stands, with my laptop because the games are two hours long and I've got sh*t to do, but I still pay attention.

The parents complain about how we're the losing-est team on the roster.

Oldest and Youngest aren't thrilled with this situation because they rock. Despite the fact they are new to this area, they can hit, throw and catch better than most.

"I want to win, Momma."

"Yeah, I know, kiddo. Wait until Spring Ball and we'll be back with a better team."

Sigh. I hope they don't start calling me Ma.

Calling Obama Supporters!

2008-11-07T10:42:00.004-05:00

I hope you've enjoyed your rest. You deserved it.

Now it's time to get back to work. Health care is in crisis, troops must be brought home, and a troubled economy needs help.

Global warming? Hello?

Barack Obama cannot do it alone. If we go back to watching television instead of staying engaged in the process, we are doomed!

The celebrating is over. Find a cause and get on it, people!

You can start here. The fact that Barack Obama's administration is already reaching out and inviting us to participate speaks volumes about where we are headed.

Answer the call.

h/t Statey

Chapter 12

2008-11-07T09:07:00.002-05:00

Is there such a thing as justifiable killing? Just askin'.

Here is the next installment.

Enjoy. Or not. Completely up to you.

At First I Was Bummed

2008-11-06T07:24:00.005-05:00

Voters said yes to Amendment 2 here in Florida.

The gay marriage ban passed in California.

What the hell is wrong with people? But then I got to thinking. And by *thinking* I mean *talking.* Cause my friends are wicked smart.

What if these amendments are blessings in disguise? What if they present a golden opportunity for a plaintiff to bring his discrimination complaints before a court of law and the appeals end at the Supreme Court?

The same Supreme Court that might have two or three vacancies during Barack Obama's first term.

An Obama SC... hearing a case about discrimination...separate but equal nonsense...and settling the gay marriage question once and for all could be quite interesting.

Maybe I'm not so bummed after all.

Damn Right It Was a Good Day

2008-11-05T06:31:00.003-05:00

More on the election and complaints over amendments later. Right now, let's savor the reality that a nation not too far removed from slavery, a nation where racists have been known to flaunt their hatred, a nation where the few sometimes bully the many....

that nation elected a black man with a funny name to be president.

We chose hope over fear, change over more of the same, and tomorrow over yesterday.

On behalf of my children, I am grateful. And so proud of us.

I Don't Need Coffee or a Chicken Sandwich, But I'll Take a Love Toy

2008-11-04T16:55:00.003-05:00

Too bad I don't live in New York or Seattle or Las Vegas.

Someone remind me to call The Todd Theater in four years and get in on some of this action.

It's go time, peeps.

h/t Johnny Fonts

Is Anyone Not Voting?

2008-11-04T07:17:00.001-05:00

Go here to find your polling place.

Come on, Starbucks will even give you a free cup of coffee when you're done.

See you on the other side, peeps.

The Vet Who Didn't Vet

2008-11-03T17:07:00.003-05:00

Poor McCain - check out this video.

What will we do after tomorrow? When we won't have Sarah Palin to kick around anymore? Oh well. I can wait eight years before seeing her again.

I really can.

A Sign of the Times

2008-11-03T13:56:00.005-05:00

I was driving home from work the other day and saw a sign outside a church. It said: "Another Christian church against discrimination. Vote No on 2."

Amen to that.

Then there's this.

h/t Darden

I Need a Big Kosher Pickle and a Cold Draft Beer...

2008-11-03T07:20:00.000-05:00

Took the boys to see Jimmy Buffett and rally for change yesterday. The margaritas and good vibes were flowing.

Youngest made a sign with "Change '08" written in big orange letters. He wanted to wave it to people inside the Ford Amphitheatre. While waiting in line for that frozen concoction that helps me hang on, a woman poked me in the arm.

"I'll buy your kid's sign for five bucks."

I thought maybe I'd heard her wrong. I looked over at my children who were marching around with the sign and waving at their adoring audience. "He's not actually selling the sign. He made it himself to -"

"He asked me if I wanted to buy it," she slurred with a cigarette in her mouth. "Told me it was ten bucks. Now I can do five, but not ten. Your other kid told me five was a good deal."

I looked at my children who were suddenly by my side. They smiled sheepishly.

Cigarette Lady's friend poked her in the arm. "You only have five bucks left, Dolores, and beer is four dollars."

"Oh," CL said. "Forget it sweetheart. I need a drink before I need a sign."

My boys and I mingled through the crowd, discussing economics and dancing with our fins out. Oldest surveyed the scene and said, "I cannot believe all these people are voting for Barack Obama."

"This is nothing," I said. "Wait'll the numbers start rolling in Tuesday night. You won't believe the amount of people who are voting for Barack Obama."

Changes in latitudes, peeps.

Fun With Republicans

2008-11-02T07:13:00.006-05:00

Sarah Palin gets a phone call from France's president and doesn't realize it's a prank.

Really? This didn't give it away?

"I just love killing those animals ... take away life, that is so fun!"

John McCain goes on SNL and proves his face doesn't crack when smiling. Who knew?

And then there's Elizabeth Dole. Like most Republicans who are losing, Liddy's gone batshit crazy.

I would say, "Good times." But. You know. They aren't.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T16:41:00.003-04:00

At first Oldest wanted to be Rocky and Youngest wanted to be a lawyer. They changed their minds when they put on these masks in Target and got laughs from everyone in the store.

What those people were laughing at...I have no idea.

Don't Forget to Vote

2008-10-30T09:23:00.005-04:00

I'll do anything to get an "I Voted" sticker for my bustier. Check it.

3:30pm - Arrive at Jimmie B. Keel Library . Stop at Obama table and request Jimmy Buffet tickets. "They're free, right?" Volunteer Gestapo snorts. By the time she's done with me, I've promised to canvass, make phone calls, wave signs, and buy someone in the Tampa office two drinks on Election Night. When walking away, Oldest says, "Nothing is ever free, Mommy. Not even love. I learned that at school last week."

3:32pm - McCain supporter yells, "There's only one hero on the ticket, sweetheart! Vote for McCain!" Youngest says, "Right. That's gonna happen." Oldest rolls his eyes. When did they become teenagers?

3:35pm - Get in line and kids complain they're thirsty.

4pm - Still in line. Children bored and asking questions like: "What happens if there's a tie?" "How will Barack Obama know he's the winner?" and "Does your body ever run out of spit?"

4:30pm - Still in line. Oldest has to pee. I send them into the library together. Rest of line grateful.

5:00pm - Search for children who are playing computer game where George Bush is selling hot dogs on Pennsylvania Avenue. It's the only job he can get after January. Whoever makes the most hot dogs in a minute wins and gets to bop Bush on the head. Kids try to convince me it's *educational*.

5:30pm - Finally up to vote. Boys color in the ovals so they can "help hire the President and all those other guys."

5:32pm - Oldest accidentally colors in "yes" for Amendment 2. "Who are you working for?" I demand to know. Kid swears it's an accident. I'm still skeptical.

5:35pm - Try to scan in the ballot, which is rejected. Volunteer looks at me like I'm special needs. "You can't fill in both yes and no, ma'am." I wrinkle my nose. He says, "You can either get a new ballot or this amendment vote won't count." I look at Oldest. "It had to be 2, huh? Not Soil Conservation. Or the property tax amendment. Had to be 2."

5:37pm - Request a new ballot. Ask if new kid comes with it. Volunteer rolls his eyes. "Was it the President ballot or the Amendment ballot?" I mumble, "Amendment 2." I get a new ballot and go to our table. Children pissing and moaning about *hunger pangs.*

5:38pm - Amendment 2 isn't on the ballot they printed for me. Volunteer scowls. "Amendment 2 is on the Presidential ballot, ma'am. I'm going to print this out for you, but you better be careful. Three is your limit." Great. Dude sounds like my bartender.

5:45pm - Finally leave polling place. Rest of line grateful. Kids want to do this "online from now on."

If you vote with your children, you can take their stickers, too. Cause you'll have earned them.

Have fun. And do your part.

What Could You Do With Sarah's Spending Money?

2008-10-29T14:14:00.002-04:00

Sarah Palin - A Neiman Marxist

What would you do if you had $150,000 to spend? Buy a house? Pay for prescription drugs?

The Palin wardrobe in one month cost more than the average American household spends on clothes in 80 years.

"Spending $150,000 for a one month wardrobe while painting yourself as a 'hockey mom' or the voice of 'Joe Six Pack' is an insult," said CNA/NNOC Executive Director Rose Ann DeMoro. "They're saying Obama is a Marxist, but the real Marxist is in the McCain camp – she's just a Neiman Marxist," said DeMoro.

Click here to play the Dress Sarah Palin Game and see how much that money could really buy.

October Surprise?

2008-10-29T13:31:00.003-04:00

Is it possible that John McCain was involved in an accident in 1964 that could have left someone injured or dead?

I'm not one who buys in to conspiracy theories, but Vanity Fair isn't exactly The Inquirer. When they requested accident information from the Navy, they received this response:

"The patient admission record logs that you seek are exempt from release," wrote G.E. Lattin, Deputy Assistant Judge Advocate General, "as information in personnel and medical files, as well as similar personal information in other files, that if disclosed to a requestor, other than the actual person in which the information is pertaining to or next of kin, would constitute a clearly unwarranted invasion of personal privacy."

Check out the entire article here.

h/t my brother

That's Right. I Like Jimmy Buffett.

2008-10-29T08:38:00.005-04:00

Don't you dare judge me.

Two days before Election Day, SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 2, the Jimmy Himself will hold a free concert in Tampa to support Barack Obama's Campaign for Change. (Plus I heard a rumor that BO Himself is going to show...)

Tickets can only be obtained by visiting one of the Campaign for Change Early Vote information tables at locations listed below and are limited to two per person. Visit FL.BarackObama.com or call 1-877-2FL-OBAMA for more information.

Sunday, November 2
LAST CHANCE FOR CHANGE RALLY WITH JIMMY BUFFETT
Ford Amphitheatre
Tampa, FL

Media access: 1:30 PM
Gates open: 1:30 PM
Show begins: 3:00 PM

The event is free and open to all Florida residents and students. Two free tickets per person are available on a first-come, first-served basis at the locations listed below.

For more information, please visit FL.BarackObama.com.

TICKET LOCATIONS:

***Tickets are available starting at 10:00 AM on Wednesday, October 29. Early Vote information tables are open from 10:00 AM to 5:00 PM daily.***

***For security reasons, do not bring bags and please limit personal items. No signs or banners permitted.***

Early Vote Distribution Centers:

BRADENTON
J&J Bar-B-Q
B2620 8th St W
Bradenton, FL

VOTE AT:
Manatee County Supervisor of Elections Office
600 301 Boulevard West, Suite 118
Bradenton, FL

CLEARWATER
Campaign for Change Sub-Office - Clearwater
34 North Fort Harrison Ave
Clearwater, FL

VOTE AT:
Pinellas County Courthouse
315 Court St, Room 117
Clearwater, FL

Campaign for Change – Clearwater
133 North Fort Harrison Ave
Clearwater, FL

VOTE AT:
Pinellas County Courthouse
315 Court St, Room 117
Clearwater, FL

HOLIDAY
South Holiday Library
4649 Mile Stretch Dr
Holiday, FL

VOTE AT:
South Holiday Library
4649 Mile Stretch Dr
Holiday, FL

LAKELAND
Campaign for Change – Lakeland
5385 Gateway Blvd, Bays 12-14
Lakeland, FL

VOTE AT:
Lakeland Courthouse
930 E Parker St
Lakeland, FL

Mitchell’s Coffee House
235 N Kentucky Ave
Lakeland, FL

VOTE AT:
Lakeland Courthouse
930 E Parker St
Lakeland, FL

LAND O’LAKES
Rapscallions Restaurant
4422 Land O’ Lakes Blvd
Land O’ Lakes, FL

VOTE AT:
Land O’ Lakes SOE Office
Clark Professional Center
4111 Land O’Lakes Blvd, Room 105
Land O’ Lakes, FL

LARGO
Professional Surveys
8550 Ulmerton Rd
Largo, FL

VOTE AT:
Starkey Lakes Corporate Center
13001 Starkey Rd
Largo, FL

NEW PORT RICHEY
Campaign for Change – New Port Richey
4809 Grand Blvd, Suite P
New Port Richey, FL

VOTE AT:
South Holiday Branch Library
4649 Mile Stretch Dr
Holiday, FL

Or

West Pasco Government Center
7530 Little Rd, Suite 110
New Port Richey, FL

The Breakfast Station
7335 Little Rd
New Port Richey, FL

VOTE AT:
West Pasco Gov Center
7530 Little Rd, Suite 110
New Port Richey, FL

PLANT CITY
Wisdom Center Smoke House
624 S Evers St
Plant City, FL

VOTE AT:
Plant City - City Hall
302 West Reynolds St
Plant City, FL

SARASOTA
Buddha Belly Donuts
1990 Main St, Suite 112
Sarasota, FL

VOTE AT:
Sarasota County Terrace Building
2001 Adams Lane
Sarasota, FL

ST. PETERSBURG
Campaign for Change – St Petersburg
2321 Central Ave
St Petersburg, FL

VOTE AT:
County Building
501 1st Avenue North
St Petersburg, FL

Globe Café
532 1st Ave North
St Petersburg, FL

VOTE AT:
County Building
501 1st Avenue North
St Petersburg, FL

TAMPA
Campaign for Change - Tampa Downtown
817 East Washington St
Tampa, FL

VOTE AT:
County Center
601 E Kennedy Blvd
Tampa, FL

Campaign for Change – Tampa USF
14519 North 18th Street
Tampa, FL

VOTE AT:
Temple Terrace Library
202 Bullard Pkwy
Temple Terrace, FL

Cut N’ Style
3817 S Manhattan Ave
Tampa, FL

VOTE AT:
Jan Platt Regional Library
3910 S Manhattan Ave
Tampa, FL

Joe Chillura Courthouse Square
602 E Kennedy Blvd
Tampa, FL

VOTE AT:
County Center
601 E Kennedy Blvd
Tampa, FL

Salcines Park
1705 N Howard Ave
Tampa, FL

VOTE AT:
West Tampa Library
2312 West Union St
Tampa, FL

Terrace Sports
5311 E Busch Blvd
Temple Terrace, FL

VOTE AT:
Temple Terrace Library
202 Bullard Pkwy
Temple Terrace, FL

Urban Culinary Cuisine
10016 Cross Creek Blvd
Tampa, FL

VOTE AT:
New Tampa Library
10001 Cross Creek Blvd
Tampa, FL

WESLEY CHAPEL
Winner’s Sports Grill
5429 Village Market
Wesley Chapel, FL

VOTE AT:
Wesley Chapel Village Center
5325 Village Market
Wesley Chapel, FL

Less Than a Week to Go

2008-10-29T08:32:00.001-04:00

Did Anyone Who Attended Chamberlain High School in 1987 Not Know Darby?

2008-10-28T09:13:00.002-04:00

I went to high school with Darby and now she's fighting cancer. Although the prognosis isn't good, she is responding with courage, faith, and love. She is an inspiration to us all.

Darby was always nice. No one I know has ever had anything bad to say about her. Do you know how rare that is? Her husband John also graduated with us. His locker was right next to the locker I shared with Becky so we often met before class and talked and joked around. He was always nice, too.

It cannot be easy to hear that you won't be alive to see your children grow. I cannot fathom the strength it takes to not only carry on, but to consider the suffering of others and spend your final days doing something about it.

I know Darby and John have a great deal of faith, in God and each other, and can only assume that their faith sustains them. Many readers here believe in the power of prayer.

So say a prayer for Darby (Bissett) Steadman, her husband John, and their children. There isn't a better conversation to have with God today than to suggest he keep her here with the rest of us. Raising her children and inspiring everyone.

h/t Holly

Canvassing for Obama with Eight Year-Olds

2008-10-27T07:13:00.003-04:00

I've been going door-to-door, talking with voters, since I was eighteen years old. In fact, when I interview for jobs (all the time, even now) I'm often asked if I have experience dealing with challenges.

Usually, I just point to my hair.

If the interviewer wants more, I talk about canvassing for Michael Dukakis in Florida in 1988.

'Nuff said.

Since my children were in strollers, they've been out with me. They remember talking to angry white men in Lutz about John Kerry when they looked like this.

I warned them Grandpa doesn't *like* to make sense when he votes, but they kept trying.

They remember talking to people in South Tampa about Jim Davis two years ago.

And this past weekend, we were out there again. We avoided vicious dogs, got some exercise, handed out campaign literature, discussed the issues, and left a sense of urgency about the importance of voting.

Know what I've noticed? People are way more polite when the boys are with me.

One guy was clearly itchin' to slam the door, but Oldest saw his Notre Dame tattoo and said, "I wanna go to Notre Dame and play football!"

That big Irish son of a b*tch smiled in spite of himself.

Then Youngest talked about meeting Barack Obama, shaking his hand, and how Obama will cut taxes for 95% of Americans.

That big Irish son of a b*tch is rethinking his allegiance to McCain. Guaranteed.

Maybe the next time those slackers in the Tampa office want a cute Jewish vegetarian to get out the vote, they'll look no further than the Robinson boys.

Two for the price of one, Elizabeth. Beat that.

I Get the Best Emails - Ongoing

2008-10-26T20:35:00.003-04:00

A woman contacted me and I'm bummed because I accidentally deleted her email.

This about sums it up, though - she's pissed.

Lady with Too Much Time on her Hands read my nonsense about Tiny Angry Man and wants to set the record straight. Let's see if I can remember the highlights. She wants me to know that -

1) Todd Schnitt is a *nice* guy who often pays people out of his own pocket.

2) Jabberjaw was fired *as a joke* and she should have come to work the next day. Schnitt apparently fires people all the time. He's a hoot that way. Once even fired himself. So she should not have taken it seriously. Stupid Jabberjaw.

3) I'm a hypocrite for liking Bubba the Love Sponge because Bubba hates women and says awful things about their boobies. Katie = bad feminist.

The lady who sent me the email asked me not to publish her name because it could ruin her career.

If I promise not to reveal your true identity - coughrondastormscough - will you continue sending me emails?

Fingers crossed.

A Night Out with Me

2008-10-26T09:55:00.005-04:00

"Momma, you should go out tonight and have some fun for yourself. Stay out late," Youngest said.

Really?

Oldest concurred. "Go to dinner and see a movie. And then have a few drinks afterward."

I looked at my parents.

"Don't hurry back," they said.

I grabbed the latest edition of Rolling Stone, put on my Hot Mama jeans, and took off by myself for a few hours.

Went to dinner at Boston's and had a few mojitos. Because reading about David Foster Wallace can get depressing without liquid love. Then I saw Religulous with about fifteen other seekers.

Great movie.

Bill Maher does a fantastic job of documenting religious mumbo, mocking fundie nut jobs, and lamenting centuries of violence done in the name of the Lord.

My friend Robin teaches a Folklore class and will be happy to hear that the movie points out about three or four pre-Jesus stories that include a:

1) virgin birth
2) Dec. 25th birthday
3) healing the sick
4) talent for raising the dead
5) messiah figure's death
6) messiah rising again on the 3rd day or some such nonsense

I love it when Maher recounts the Lot story about how angels came to Sodom and were almost raped by the townspeople and then Lot said, "Don't rape them. Here. Take my daughters instead."

And he was the good guy in town.

Bill Maher held up the Holy Book and said that surely we can find something better than the King James Bible when swearing to uphold the law.

The movie didn't get into the good that religion has done. In my history classes, I always strove for balance and talked about women's advances in Islam (that predated women's advances elsewhere) and the good that Jews and Christians did when bringing about civil rights in the 1960s or ending slavery in the 1800s.

But Religulous ain't about all that.

Best part? Maher ended the movie talking about how doubt is humble and to seek is profoundly human. Then he showed clips of wars and destruction done in the name of God or Allah.

"Because when we think *we* know what's best and everyone else is wrong...we f*ck shit up."

Perhaps I'm paraphrasing, but you understand the point.

Not that he's an atheist. Atheists have the same degree of certainty that religious folks have and one is not any better than the other.

This hit home. Maher said that those of us who are only moderately religious should take a long look in the mirror because if we belonged to a social organization that had such deep historical ties to misogyny, homophobia, child rape, killing, and other acts of horrific violence - we'd have turned in our resignations long ago.

Leaving religion altogether? Hmmmmm.

Talking to my brother on the way home, he said we could say the same about our own country and we ain't jumpin' ship and moving to Canada.

I dunno. The more I learn, the less I know. Moderate Judaism mixed with Buddhist philosophy works for my family and provides a solid foundation for our children. But I'd be lying if I said I was sold. On religion or anything else for that matter.

A Memoir

2008-10-25T07:24:00.001-04:00

Funny story - my last name used to be "Furey." Twenty years ago today, when Husband and I started dating, he once said, "Hell hath no woman like a Furey scorned."

In related news, I wrote a memoir about teaching in Tampa. More about the plot later.

I have two concerns. And by *two* I mean *several.*

1) Should I publish it using people's real names? I have two versions. One with fake names and one with real names. At first, I changed names and identifying characteristics in order to protect identities. Why? I didn't want anyone getting fired or divorced. Now. Well. If they're not going to speak to me, it might as well be for a good reason. Besides, I don't think anyone will get fired for the revelations within and divorce has already occurred for a few of the characters. So I'm going with real names.

2) Will I get sued? Somehow I doubt it. If memoirists got sued, no one would write memoirs, right?

3) Will I get killed? Again, somehow I doubt it. Besides, my memoir is already out there with real names in it so the list of suspects is compiled. I only changed my husband and children's names. Why? They're the only innocent characters in it.

3) What should the title be? This is a story about a sassy and delightful teacher, we'll call her Catherine. Catherine starts out full of promise and hope. However, she taught in Hillsborough County - the most scandalous school district in the nation. What's that saying? If you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas. As a result, Catherine almost lost her way and her mind. I'm thinking: Hot for Teacher. One of my friends suggested You Don't Want to Know Her. If you have a better idea, let me know.

If I use your title, maybe I'll invite you to the launch party.

Wassup 2008

2008-10-24T16:10:00.009-04:00

Back before the Bush Error began, my favorite commercials featured the Wassup Guys. How are they doin' eight years later?

See for yourself.

My Ramblings

2008-10-24T12:53:00.009-04:00

Thanks to an interested reader, I discovered my links to previously published works weren't working.

Now they are.

If you are so inclined, and have nothing better to do, peruse the sidebar and read some nonsense the good folks in mainstream media deemed worthy enough to publish for the three people in town who still read newspapers.

Bra fittings, sleepover camps, and the one where I praise George W. Bush in particular is a riot.

The St. Petersburg Times, The Tampa Tribune, and more...it's how I met most of you.

Ahhh, the memories.

This Site is a Bummer-Free Zone

2008-10-24T09:36:00.003-04:00

I like Will Ferrell's eyebrows and the picture of Laura Bush on his desk. It's the little things with me...

What are they gonna do in less than two weeks when Obama wins? I can hardly wait.

Another A-List Celebrity Endorsement for Obama

2008-10-23T14:19:00.006-04:00

Fight the Smears

2008-10-23T09:24:00.004-04:00

I'm getting crazy emails from people raging about Barack Obama not being born in this country or Barack Obama killing children.

You are too?

Direct these mouthbreathers to this site. Or go there yourself and send your uninformed friends witty rebuttals in record time.

Use my response as a template if you wish. You don't even have to credit me. I won't mind. Just cut, paste, change the particulars, and hit reply.

Dear "Insert Freakshow's Name,"

"Insert insane conspiracy theory" isn't true. In fact, Barack Obama "insert historically accurate version here." If you'd get your head out of your ass long enough to listen to something other than The Schnitt Show, you'd be able to separate truth from fiction and wouldn't need me to bitchslap you all the time.

Understand this, you sound as wacky as those people who believe 9/11 was an inside job. Conspiracy theories on either side are nutty. And not believable. They usually involve too many people and assume those people can keep secrets. These theories also imply complicity within the media. I have friends in politics and media and simply know beyond a doubt that they'd NEVER be able to keep a secret and they'd NEVER ignore a story with legs that would get them fame, glory and a spot on MSNBC.

That's why conspiracy theories are never ever true.

People who believe other stories are nutty but theirs are fact are just as wacky as those who think other religions are nutty but theirs is the LIGHT AND THE TRUTH.

It's all nutty. Take off the tin foil hat, move out of your mom's basement and get laid. Life is for the living.

Kisses,
Katie

Then sit back and watch my kid's new favorite video and laugh at the douche nozzles among us.

Unbelievable McCain Vs. Obama Dance-Off - Watch more free videos

Works for me.

My Worst Nightmare

2008-10-22T21:24:00.003-04:00

"All God's Children Welcome - Except Catherine Robinson."

Check out this video - I especially like it when the older woman calls me all those names.

How long until we nuke Iran? Customize the video and send it out to those who need encouragement to get to the polls and vote.

Two weeks dollies. Let's do it.

Health Care for America Now

2008-10-22T13:13:00.002-04:00

As entertaining as it is to watch rightwingers lose their motherf*ckin' minds over the idea of a black man in the Oval Office, there is other work to be done.

Massive deregulation is what caused the current financial crisis, yet the insurance industry wants more deregulation so they can take more of our money and give us even less coverage in return.

Hell to the no.

Through massive lobbying and advertising campaigns, the insurance industry has made it clear that it stands opposed to any real solutions to our health care crisis. Do your members of Congress know where you stand?

Get crackin', b*tches.

Today across America , AFSCME, in partnership with the “Health Care for America Now!” (HCAN) coalition is calling on Congress to demand real health care reform. Give your members of Congress a call.

Demand quality, affordable health care for all! Dial 1-888-436-8427

With health care costs rising and wages falling, causing one bankruptcy every 19 seconds, it's clear any solution to America 's economic crisis has to include health care reform. Even if you've called your members of Congress before, please do so again. So far, we have 95 members of Congress on board with our effort, but that isn't enough to win health care reform yet. We need your voice!

Congress works for you!

Top 5 Reasons Obama Supporters Shouldn't Rest Easy

2008-10-21T18:38:00.001-04:00

1. The polls may be wrong.

Sure, most people say they're voting for Obama when talking to the nice lady on the phone, but once inside the voting booth, they might let their inner rednecks out. I know five of them in Lutz alone. Don't get me started on The Springs.

2. Dirty tricks.

You can tell that Republicans are all kinds of freaking out. The smears, robocalls, and scare tactics are out there in full force. Yes, some of it's amusing. Until the smears work and then we'll be the ones all kinds of freaking out.

3. October surprise.

I mean, come on. Do *you* trust Karl Rove?

4. Races can shift—fast!

Remember when Reagan was behind in the polls and then came from behind to win? I do. What? You remember Happy Days episodes and I remember political campaigns. Like QJ would say, don't you dare goddamn judge me.

5. Landslide.

In order to get shit done, we need the kind of landslide that will give Barack a huge mandate. To match his huge...vocabulary. Dude is SMART.

If you agree that we shouldn't rest on our collective ass, please sign up to volunteer at your local Obama office by clicking here.

Later taters.

"Hi, my name is Catherine." "Hi, Catherine."

2008-10-21T07:22:00.003-04:00

Support groups aren't really my bag. When I was in college, Mom suggested I go to Adult Children of Alcoholics so that I wouldn't wind up with a drunk husband and a boatload of unresolved issues thanks to Bio Dad's "likey the drinky" parenting style.

Instead, I read books about it and married a nice Jewish boy who never touched the stuff.

However, now that I'm faced with a dwindling platelet count, I'm thinking an ITP support group might be good for me. Especially if the group meets online and I don't have to sit in a room with strangers, donuts, and bad coffee.

They might help me find a productive way to deal with mood swings that come from frightening scenarios and nerve-wracking blood draws. Full disclosure: I might act like watching them draw my blood, spin it, and read numbers lower than George Bush's approval ratings doesn't bother me, but that's all it is, folks.

An act.

ITP support groups might help me come up with a creative way to hide bruises from loved ones and friends without feeling like a victim of domestic violence. I just don't want them to worry...

And what's up with platelet-boosting herbs and potions? Do any of them actually work?

I've already been contacted by a few people who've had loved ones with ITP. But did you catch that key word - had? No offense, mourners, but I'd like to talk to people who are actually *living* with this disease.

Cause survivors are hot. Victims are not.

I know that I don't have it as bad as some and I certainly don't want to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I'm just trying to deal the best way I know how and sometimes I don't think I'm dealing well at all.

The other day I cried about the Rays beating the Sox. Who does that? Outside Massachusetts, I mean?

A healthy dose of hope and solution-based therapy is what I need - support groups might be my bag after all.

Fingers crossed, peeps.

Because We All Live Close to Russia

2008-10-20T16:03:00.003-04:00

If you're in Facebook, look this up and join us...

Event: International Talk Like Sarah Palin Day
What: Study Group
Start Time: Tomorrow, October 21 at 12:00am
End Time: Tomorrow, October 21 at 11:55pm
Where: Wherever mooses be found

h/t Jennifer

I Get the Best Emails - Ongoing

2008-10-20T07:31:00.000-04:00

To: Catherine
From: Rebecca

Dear Red States

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington , Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high-tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Sometimes Me Think - What is Friend?

2008-10-19T14:42:00.003-04:00

When my children were younger, they loved this show. And this was my favorite segment, always crying at the last line.

I'll admit it. I'm not the bestest friend in the whole world. I can be spoiled, selfish, and demanding. My worst fault is probably my lack of patience.

But a person who cries over a Cookie Monster song can't be all bad, right?

Besides - I'd totally give you the last cookie.

And I believe that counts for something.

Proving Her Sense of Humor Isn't as Dead...

2008-10-19T07:22:00.002-04:00

As her poll numbers.

Proving His Sense of Humor Isn't as Dead...

2008-10-18T17:18:00.002-04:00

As his wife's facial nerve endings.

And Barack wasn't bad either.

Fun Conversations With Becky - Nurse and Best Friend

2008-10-17T18:05:00.002-04:00

Me: I want to tell you something, but I don't want you to freak out.

Becky: Great.

Me: A few days ago, I was carrying a bag that was heavy. Not too heavy. I wouldn't want my little hernia to pop out because they'd have to repair it surgically and that would f*ck up my brand new belly.

Becky: God forbid.

Me: Exactly. Anyway, the bag didn't feel too heavy, but when I got undressed that night there were large purple bruises along my shoulders, you know, where my bra straps are...like where I'd been carrying the bag.

Becky: How big?

Me: Big enough. Like bruises only more purple and weird looking.

Becky: Pools of blood inside. This is because you have ITP.

Me: Right.

Becky: How long did the bruises last?

Me: They're fading now. About five days.

Becky: Shit. You better call the Hot Hematologist.

Me: There's nothing he can do. There's nothing I can do. What's the point? Have him say, "Call me if you get headaches. Could mean a brain hemorrage." Who wants that going into the weekend?

Becky: He's your doctor and needs to know. Call him.

Me: Moving on. Last night the boys had another baseball game. We didn't get out of there until 8:30pm.

Becky: Sounds like loads of fun.

Me: I know. But can I tell you something? Don't let it get out, but I'm actually enjoying these games. Watching the boys have a good time out there is fun. I know it's going to sound corny, but going to the ballpark is sort of all-American and hearing the crack of a bat and parents cheering is heartwarming. Everyone is laughing, there is a cool breeze. I kinda like it.

Becky: You are bleeding in the head.

Me: Relax. I bring my laptop and get work done at the same time.

Becky: Thank God. Maybe you'll be okay after all.

Me: Told you.

Becky: Kate?

Me: Yeah?

Becky: Call your doctor.

OILF Endorsements

2008-10-17T08:44:00.003-04:00

As I peruse my ballot and see familiar names, both good and bad, it occurs to me again that I'm so happy to be home.

Now let's kick some ass.

President and Vice-President: Barack Obama and Joe Biden
Okay, so you were right. A few of my friends have talked me into volunteering for the campaign so I guess I gotta vote for them. I do wish Obama's policies were more progressive which only furthers my belief that the day after the election, the real work begins.

Congress District 9: Bill Mitchell
Mitchell is an educated man who appears thoughtful, well-read, and wise. So not Bilirakis. Mitchell believes in a timely withdrawal in Iraq, opposes offshore oil drilling, and supports a woman's right to choose.

State Representative District 60: Ed Homan
Homan is a physician and lawmaker whose years of experience seem to make him a thoughtful and measured legislator. He's against offshore oil drilling and wants more children in our pre-kindergarten programs.

Property Appraiser: Rob Turner
Turner doesn't seem as off the wall as his opponent. He also promises "to cut costs and improve service during what looks to be tight times ahead."

Tax Collector: Doug Belden
Belden has developed a web site, started electronic payments, decreased customer wait times, and increased the percentage of calls answered within 20 seconds. This year, he became the first tax collector in the state to win the Governor’s Sterling Award.

Supervisor of Elections: Phyllis Busansky
I've been a huge fan of hers since she was a County Commissioner in the late 1980s. Everything she's done, she's made better. It'd be good to have her back.

Board of County Commissioners District 2: Ken Hagan
Seems to work well with others and has had a few successes with traffic issues and child safey laws. Has no opponent.

Board of County Commissioners District 6: Kevin Beckner
Because Brian Blair is batshit crazy. 'Nuff said.

Justice of the Supreme Court Charles T. Wells: Should he be retained? Yes.
Wells was appointed by Lawton Chiles. In 2008, the lawyers who appear before him recommended he continue. Good enough for me.

District Court of Appeals: Should all judges be retained? Yes.
A good majority of all lawyers who appear before them voted for retention.

School Board Member District 7: Stephen Gorham
Kurdell has been there a long time and our schools aren't getting any better. Gorham is married to a teacher and would do better for our educators and students.

Soil and Water Conservation District Group 2: Undecided
Jeffrey Garbus is a Libertarian and Betty Jo Tompkins seems like a country gal who loves W. I have no clue which is worse.

Amendment 1: Yes.
This deletes language which allows the Legislature to create laws to prevent aliens ineligible for citizenship from owning property. Our Constitution shouldn't include discriminatory language dating back to the 1920s. We're better than that.

Amendment 2: No
This would define marriage in the state Constitution as between one man and one woman. Again - we're better than that. This could also prevent public employers from providing domestic partner benefits to employees who are part of a same-sex couple.

Amendment 3: Yes
Owners of homes and other residential property would receive small property tax breaks for improvements in energy efficiency and hurricane protection, such as permanent shutters. The tax breaks would be minimal, but it could lead to lower insurance and utility payments. Plus it's good for the environment.

Amendment 4: Yes
This has widespread support among environmental groups. If a landowner signs a conservation easement on their land to restrict its use “in perpetuity”, then they don't have to pay property taxes.

Amendment 6: Yes
Marinas, commercial fishing facilities and other “working waterfront” businesses could receive a property tax break because the property would be assessed according to current use rather than potential use. Seems fair to me.

Amendment 8: Yes
Community colleges should be better funded and a local referendum would put that decision directly in the community's hands.

Providing County Mayor with Veto Powers: No.

Continue Financing Environmental Lands: Yes.

Keep in mind, folks, that I'm voting this way because I think it's the right route to take. Not because I think all these picks will win. (RedSoxcoughRedSox)

And if you think I'm wrong, please let me know. I haven't voted yet.

Leave Joe the Plumber Alone

2008-10-16T21:09:00.004-04:00

He's allowed to go to an Obama rally and he's allowed to ask questions. He may have been planted there and he's obviously ill-informed. Joe the Plumber will probably vote for McCain.

Umm. He's allowed.

His questioning gave Obama the opportunity to shine. And shine he did. Check it.

When was the last time we had a President who could answer a question on the spot without butchering the English language or embarrassing the country?

Joe or whatever his name is doesn't deserve to get trashed on the Internet or in Facebook. He doesn't deserve to have his family life or tax status revealed for the world to see. It's not Joe's fault that McCain exploited his situation and brought him into the spotlight.

All he did was ask a question. A good question.

Leave him alone.

Romance with Republicans

2008-10-16T14:35:00.002-04:00

For $4281 per person, you can take your sweetheart on a romantic cruise for Valentine's Day and share your "pressing thoughts" with those who have done so much to set back, err, I mean, *advance* the conservative movement.

I bet Tommy Tancredo would love to get all up in my pressing thoughts.

Yes, folks, laugh at the unfortunate among us and sail the high seas in the one of the globe's worst polluters. If that doesn't sound like right-wing fun, I don't know what does.

I'd love to go but I'll be busy that weekend foreclosing on my house.

A Facebook and Political Whore Conversation - Ongoing

2008-10-16T08:40:00.006-04:00

Last night I watched the debate and thought McCain did well. I wanted Obama to fight back more, but he didn't.

Still. It's too late for McCain and the Membrane. In November, we will all toast an Obama presidency. Then some of us will retire to the couch and bitch about how nothing is changing (pleasepasstheremote) while some of us bust ass and still get nothing done.

In other words, little will change.

I'm glad the debates are over, but I'll miss the conversations. Over at The Political Whore, Wayne tried his best to keep us all on topic. We were more engaged in the issues for this go around, despite Wade's channeling of Matt Taibbi. But even with Wade's skeptical, yet accurate, view of the world, he still had an intriguing way of inviting me to get laid.

Read for yourself.

Then there's Facebook. That lovely creation where we can get together and learn from 180 of our closest friends. Well, Gina has way more than that.

Some excerpts:

Catherine is "watching the debate to find out who's in the hospital. Thanks Johnny!"

Ron is "wondering if McCain dated Nancy back when she was doing the early "talkies"."

Catherine "wants to be known as Joe Sixpack and Joe Plumber's cousin Joe Mama."

Kenneth thinks "McCain is getting high off the sharpie between questions."

Matt "is fearing a run on hatchets and scalpels."

Sara "wants to see this damn piece of paper she keeps hearing about."

Catherine "wishes she knew ahead of time that blinking eyes is the new "my friends"."

Kenneth "figured it out. Palin is off the ticket tomorrow, Joe the Plumber is on."

Jim "is watching the end of the McCain campaign. Na na na. Hey hey hey. Goodbye."

Debbie "knows McCain isn't President Bush. He's much older."

Catherine is "hearing nothing new."

Sara is "happy that Joe is rich and congratulates him too, does that mean he is now, Joe-kegger?"

Gina "will refer to this debate heretofore as the Joe the Plumber debate."

Lee is "hoping the MSM finds Joe the Plumber tomorrow and his response to all of this is "Sorry, I was watching baseball."

Catherine "remembers that the pro-life movement ends at birth."

Catherine "wants to tell McCain that autism isn't Down Syndrome. Douche."

Hate Mongers in Gainesville?

2008-10-15T15:44:00.003-04:00

Say it ain't so.

Who in their right mind would want to be known as a McCain supporter? His campaign keeps going from bad to worse.

And how cool is Rachel Maddow? She takes ridiculous arguments with serene wisdom and a smile. Rachel is my hero.

Join us on Facebook or liveblogging over in Wayne's World tonight for the debate.

A Preview of Tonight's Performance?

2008-10-15T07:50:00.000-04:00

Now we know where John McCain gets his talking points.

Better keep your eye on Sarah Palin these next few days. Someone might ask her another question about North Korea.

Entertaining, ain't it?

The Interfaith Rally to Oppose Amendment 2

2008-10-14T20:11:00.003-04:00

"Standing on the Side of Love"

At Lowry Park on Sunday, October 26, 2008 at 4 p.m.

In addition to the many speakers scheduled for the rally, there will be music by Faith Rivera and Harold Payne.

But don't let that stop you.

RSVP now

How Well Do You Know Your Neighbors?

2008-10-14T17:03:00.002-04:00

Click here Just put in your address & your neighborhood map will pop up. Every place you see a red balloon or thumb tack is the home of a convicted felon. Just hover your mouse over an icon & not only will the name come up, but also the crime they were convicted of.

Before you go accepting a tootsie roll from them in a few weeks.

This is Something Really Nasty Republicans Would Do

2008-10-14T09:17:00.009-04:00

Or really nasty Democrats: Make t-shirts that aren't funny and call into question the wearer's sanity and sell millions of them.

These same people would freak if someone walked through their lame-ass leftwing tattoo parlors or political meetings wearing an "I Screwed Hillary" t-shirt. But it's okay to overtly sexualize Sarah Palin because she believes in the Bible literally and wants Roe v. Wade overturned?

Christ. That describes half the women in my family and I don't think they're c*nts.

Again - for those in the cheap seats - offensive plus nauseating equals not funny. Wear this instead.

It is possible to be both offensive and funny. Just ask me.

Don't Worry About Sarah

2008-10-13T16:05:00.003-04:00

I mean, come on, she's the most popular Halloween costume this year.

I might wear Sarah's mask when chaperoning the kids up and down the street. 'Cause I want to be all hot like her. And my neighbors love her so maybe I'll get action AND candy.

But what about when she and grandpa lose the election? They better not blame the woman.

Again, no worries.

She'll be fine. She'll be just fine.

It was dishonest, cynical men who put forward a clueless young woman for national office, hoping to juice up the ticket, hoping she could skate through two months of chaperoned campaigning, but the truth emerges: The lady is talking freely about matters she has never thought about. The American people have an ear for B.S. They can tell when someone's mouth is moving and the clutch is not engaged. When she said, "One thing that Americans do at this time, also, though, is let's commit ourselves just every day, American people, Joe Six-Pack, hockey moms across the nation, I think we need to band together and say never again. Never will we be exploited and taken advantage of again by those who are managing our money and loaning us these dollars," people smelled gas.

And as long as she stays out of the White House, maybe the rest of us will be fine, too.

I Don't Want a President Who Believes in a Talking Snake Either

2008-10-13T07:46:00.001-04:00

How do you spell awkward? Watching these clips with my uber-Catholic mom.

I still laughed. Only quietly. Without slapping my knees.

Although she didn't laugh with me, I'm pretty sure my mom will watch the boys so I can go out this weekend and see Religulous.

It'll be my second date with myself.

I wonder if I'll let me get to second base?

Out in Left Field

I Get the Best Emails - Ongoing

Family Quotes I'm Allowed to Share

2008 – The Year in Pee Yoo

A Facebook Conversation - Ongoing

Happy Christmas

Holiday Wishes from My Ass to Yours - Ongoing

Holiday Wishes from My Ass to Yours

Best Songs of the Season

Happy Happy Happy Chanukah

Who Wears Old Spice Anyway?

Here's Why Rick Warren Wasn't a Bad Choice

A Moment of Gratitude - Just a Moment

Sites I'm Enjoying

How the Mitch Stole Christmas

Back to the Lab Again, Yo

Most Ridiculous Headline Ever

Driving Miss Darby

Gay is the New Black

I Get the Best Emails - Ongoing

Let's Get Rid of Sansom

Gotta Love Congress - Always Lookin' Out for Me and You

Adventures in Parenting

Rally in Tally for Equality

I Get the Best Snail Mail - Ongoing

Choice Move Gang

What Do You Think?

Where is Focus on the Family Now?

Where Everybody Knows My Name

Ray Sansom - Take Your Jobs and Shove It

My Thoughts Exactly

"Shut up, Grandma, we're playing with an evil doll!"

Fix Healthcare Now

Who Here Needs a Well-Rounded History Course?

Let's Say Thanks

Chapter 13

Fairy Tales and Super Sales

Hanging Out with Stuffed Turkeys

The World Only Moves Forward

How 'Bout Them Apples?

A Title for My Memoir

I Get the Best Emails - Ongoing

Punk is Back

Kill Baby Kill

What the Hell is Wrong with St. Petersburg?

Still Crazy After All These Years

They Haven't Done Enough Damage, Right?

Forgiveness and Facebook

It's Almost Turkey Time. You Know What That Means?

I'm Not Really Domestically Inclined

Thank a Veteran Today

My Zodiac Sign is Scorpio

Living with My Parents

Lutz Little League Isn't for Wimps

Calling Obama Supporters!

Chapter 12

At First I Was Bummed

Damn Right It Was a Good Day

I Don't Need Coffee or a Chicken Sandwich, But I'll Take a Love Toy

Is Anyone *Not* Voting?

The Vet Who Didn't Vet

A Sign of the Times

I Need a Big Kosher Pickle and a Cold Draft Beer...

Fun With Republicans

Happy Halloween

Don't Forget to Vote

What Could You Do With Sarah's Spending Money?

October Surprise?

That's Right. I Like Jimmy Buffett.

Less Than a Week to Go

Did Anyone Who Attended Chamberlain High School in 1987 *Not* Know Darby?

Canvassing for Obama with Eight Year-Olds

I Get the Best Emails - Ongoing

A Night Out with Me

A Memoir

Wassup 2008

My Ramblings

This Site is a Bummer-Free Zone

Another A-List Celebrity Endorsement for Obama

Fight the Smears

Is Anyone Not Voting?

Did Anyone Who Attended Chamberlain High School in 1987 Not Know Darby?