The Following is a Public Service Announcement

Summer is here and you know what that means? Near-drownings, bug-related illnesses, shark attacks, torrential downpours, and visits to the doctor.

Co-pays plus legal molestation equals good times.

Most of our family’s doctor appointments get scheduled during winter and summer vacation because breaks shouldn’t be just about fun, g*ddamnit. Here are some lessons learned regarding physician visits with or without children:

- If you can’t pawn the kids off during visits to the dermatologist, bring along Nintendo DS games to keep them quiet. You heard me. Old CW: Videogames are just distractions for mouthbreathers. New CW: they are really a godsend. Mario Bros. can keep even unruly children quiet so doctor can peer through a magnifying glass and grumble disapprovingly at tattoos. Of course, even while distracted, children drop some gems. For example: I slipped out of my clothes and into the paper gown quickly so not to harm my children with sights of their mother in Hanes Her Way (my Victoria’s Secret days are so over). My youngest leaned in and whispered, “Mommy, don’t let them see your penis.”


- When women hit thirty-five, doctors recommend more fiber in our diets. They also recommend a baseline mammogram with which to compare old boobs someday. Many women complain that a mammogram is painful because breasts are smashed like pancakes for not-so-flattering pictures. Me? I like the rough stuff. Could do without technician groping the girls and saying, “Sorry, but I have to move them up to where they USED to be, you know, before gravity took over.” TIP: Call around before scheduling an appointment because some radiology centers throw in a breast exam. For no extra charge, another tech will demonstrate how to play with yourself and feel for lumps all at the same time. A multi-tasker’s dream! After an hour of going to first base with two middle-aged women, I also learned how to make unattractive poses in the mirror while looking for “irregularities”. That’ll get hubby in the mood, I’m sure.


- Apparently when women carry multiple high-maintenance fetuses at the same time, they….how to put this delicately….well…. things start coming out the ass. Thanks to Katie Couric, colon cancer is on everyone’s mind, so doctors often schedule a flexible sigmoidoscopy to make sure said ass is clean. If a regular anal exam sounds like fun, check this out. Prep includes not one, but TWO enemas ahead of time. TIP: Take off the orange cap before insertion. Makes for a much more pleasant experience without yelling, “Moon River!” and alerting the children. Who needs embarrassing questions like, “Mom, why are you on the floor with something in your butt?” I mean, really. What answer would satisfy such innocent curiosity? (How about, “You ruined me. From head to toe. Now bugger off and go watch Buster!”) And I love attempts at casual conversation during the procedure itself. I barely listened to the good doctor. Instead, I spelled and said the word, “Sphincter” over and over again inside my head to keep distracted. After flex sig finished, along with fun lectures like Miracles of Prune Juice, the nurse gave me a comment card. What is this? Zagat? They actually had the nerve to ask, “What can we do to improve our services?” I wrote: #1: Dim the lights and #2: Open bar.

- Here’s what they don’t mention. An added bonus to the flex sig experience is hours of gas pain afterward. TIP: Clear the house! Worse than broccoli, I’m telling you.

So there you have it. It’s not always fun and games at the doctor, people. Sometimes it’s a real pain in the ass.