“I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose.”
Tonight we are heading off on the legendary, feared, dreaded and lampooned Family Vacation. You’re probably thinking: two kids, hell…three kids, two weeks, close quarters, all while staying within budget… are you high?
High on life, my friend. High. On. Life.
There are several reasons for this trip.
Guilt: I have been telling my father-in-law, sister, and best friend, “We’re coming to see you this summer. PROMISE!” for the past three years. By now, my brother-in-law puts more faith in Trickle-Down Economics than my word. Husband and I tried to come up with another excuse this year, but sad looks weigh heavy on our minds. I give them each two days before those sad looks mean something else, like, “You’ve depleted my energy and patience. Please leave before we run out of food as well.”
Change of Scenery: Try entertaining two kids in Podunk, Florida for two months without going insane and taking husband with you. Damn near impossible. There are only so many swimming lessons, library trips, and neighborhood walks one can take before boredom eats the brain. We’ve already been to the zoo five times. The monkeys started a rumor about me and Marlin the Manatee. A parrot even said, “Get a life!” when we walked by her cage.
Last Chance: If we have another child, our traveling will be curtailed for at least a few years. Why not live it up now while we have the chance? By “live it up”, I mean sit around my sister’s house in our underwear and complain about each other. At least we’ll be looking at mountains instead of monsoons. That’s gotta count for something.
Here’s the itinerary.
Phoenix is first, to visit my father-in-law and reassure ourselves that he’s nowhere near adult diaper-wearing years. (“At least it’s a dry heat.”) Mitch will take us to the Grand Canyon and Hoover Dam. (My oldest loves to complain that it should be Hoover Darn because cursing hurts his ears.) After wearing out our welcome, we’re off to Colorado Springs. That’s right, home of conservatives, bears, wolves – and other animals that eat their young. We can wander around the national headquarters of Focus on the Family to prove that Pasco County ain’t so scary after all. When Becky begs us to leave, we will go and bother my sister in Denver. Michele is the Outdoors Type so I’ve had to insist all mountain trips take place behind the wheel of a fortified automobile and nature walks discouraged entirely. Just yesterday she saw a coyote walking through her back yard, for the love of Pete. I probably won’t leave the house.
My husband’s bringing his laptop so when the kids fall asleep we can whip out adult entertainment and embarrass everyone. I will post pictures and commentary often to prove we have not killed each other.
Bets anyone?
5 Comments:
one car, mom+dad+brother+wife+me+4month old....
tampa to st augustine...
damn near killed myself on more than one occasion!
Have fun!
I understand that some of you have been wondering why I haven't made any comments lately.
For two reasons--I can't stand dullness and I don't want to become more infamous than my daughter-in-law.
As for her sarcastic comments about my diapers--they're wash n' wear, so I don't know why she feels the need to check them out.
And, yes, I am showing them Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon. The Canyon will be the last stop on our itinerary. If Katie doesn't watch herself....all I can say is that it's a mile straight down from all vantage points.
Wolves do not eat their young. Alligators (who you have a much higher chance of meeting) do eat their young. Just giving you more reasons to move north . ;-)
I knew my favorite sister in law would have my back on the animal "facts" that I submit for everyone's review. Alligators, huh? Who knew they were so much like Republicans in Congress.
Thanks for making me smarter, Chels. 'preciate it. :-)
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