Cleansing

There is a conspiracy out there to 1) freak out expectant moms and 2) make them feel as ugly as possible.

I am not yet an expectant mom. We’ll start trying next month, which means I’m preparing my womb and refraining from anything that may produce gills on a fetus. Six years ago, when conceiving our twin sons, the List of Gill-Producing Toxins was a short one: no booze or caffeine. Today our list is longer than Dumbya’s Made-Up Words.

No:

• Alcohol, drugs, or over-the-counter medication. That means – meditate your way through the headache, b*tch. And quit complaining.
• Caffeine, including chocolate. Yes, Butterfingers count.
• All wet cheese. Just say “no” to feta, goat, blue, gorgonzola, or Jim Carrey movies.
• Phthalates, which are found in make-up, nail polish, and plastic toys. That means put down the vibrator and slowly back away.
• Mercury, commonly found in fish. God love the tuna. First dolphins, now this.
• Holistic meds such as St. John’s Wort, Ginseng, or Echinacea. Isolate yourself like Willy Wonka, girls, ‘cause ain’t nothing going to help a runny nose or lack of energy. You’re on your own.
• Neil Diamond records. ‘Nuff said.
• Drunk, obnoxious co-workers who poke you in the shoulder at office parties and demand answers to questions like, “Who the f*ck do you think you are?” It just raises your blood pressure. Think happy thoughts and walk away, tough girl.
• Green tea. Apparently cancer-fighting antioxidants lower folic acid levels. Unless you want a kid with lips like Joaquin Phoenix, sip bottled water instead.
• Fox News and talk radio. Giving birth is embarrassing enough; do you really want the kid to arrive cursing about Bill O’Reilly?
• Aluminum, the main ingredient in anti-perspirant. Feel free to use baking soda instead. Yellow stains under the armpits and smelling like an old refrigerator…that’ll get him in the mood.
• Hot tubs.

So I can’t relax, drink, or pleasure myself after avoiding people all day with a make-up-free face and polish-free gnarly toes. Fantastic.

My husband refrains from most of this crap as well because his boys are preparing for their own little triathlon. Sperm Training Camp, if you will, and in a few short weeks, they’re going to be swimming for their lives.

Maybe a cup of coffee would do them good.