Summertime Blues

Books and Dirty Looks

Teachers are back to work on Wednesday. Two glorious months have passed and time once again to shape some hearts and minds. I like this gig; just when you’re about to strangle your students, it’s time for winter, spring, or summer break. Just when you’re about to strangle your kids, it’s time to go back to school.

I’m ready. Teaching is appealing because it allows me to work, yet keep family-friendly hours. I was never really cut out for soap operas and Oprah-approved reading lists. Spending hours upon hours at home, imperfections scream out to be fixed. I’ve been hammering, re-grouting, weeding, waxing – completing just about every home-improvement project my wallet and psyche will allow. Don’t get me started on those children-improvement projects. My children scatter when they see me coming with my caulk gun.

They’re starting to get a bit bored as well. I can tell because annoying me has become their favorite sport. I’m living with two miniature versions of my dad. One kid tells me girls aren’t allowed to change tires at NASCAR events and the other kid laughs as veins bulge out of my head. I whisper “Go play outside and leave mommy alone,” through clenched teeth because “Shut up and go away” sounds rude.

Summer ’05 favorites and number of times said:

“Hands to yourself!” (915 times)
“Time out – five minutes.” (914 times)
“G*ddamn Karl Rove.” (911)
“G*ddamn Tom Delay.” (910)
“Inside voice!” (875)
“Grandpa says a lot of things we don’t say here.” (850)
“Walking feet!” (622)
“What the hell did the President do/say/screw-up now?” (615)
“Wrestling is outside play.” (600)
“Stop right now or I’ll sell you to Mexico. They’d pay top dollar for two healthy white boys. Pipe down and fix me a drink.” (5,463)

That Staples Commercial Ain’t Popular for Nothin’

My children are starting kindergarten. I try not to be nervous; they are handling this whole thing better than me. Their new elementary school is the best in Tampa, but that’s like saying we’re going to the best opera house in West Virginia. When there’s no competition, the best is really the only option available. Still, I’m hopeful. We’ve been reviewing lessons and they’re ready. How do home-schooling moms do it? After fifteen minutes studying upper and lower case letters, I want to pull my hair out. The boys will benefit from a real teacher who doesn’t wonder aloud, “What the hell is so hard about writing S?”

Here’s why the end of summer has me sweating bullets:

In order to be closer to my children, I'll teach at a new high school this year. I’m always a bit edgy when it comes to meeting people.

Most people’s motto: like everyone until given a reason not to.
My motto: dislike everyone until given a reason not to.

For the last two years, I’ve come to like some fellow teachers. A few will be missed immensely and are, quite frankly, a tough act to follow. Don’t believe me? Think back to your own high school experience and picture your old teachers. How many would you want to hang out with – on purpose? Like warm-hearted conservatives, cool teachers are a rare breed. Plus, I’m difficult and opinionated. It takes a special someone to listen to my inappropriate stories and come back the next day eager for more.

My boys and I are going to try and be open to new experiences, faces, and, hopefully, friends. Wish us luck. Or wish The Husband luck.

Better yet, pray for all of us.