Peel Out the Watchword

Fun and Games: What’s the best or worst pick-up line ever? You decide...

• You have great eyebrows, like Dukakis.
• Wanna spend an afternoon with me at a nudist resort?
• Come nibble on my carrot.
• Fancy a f*ck, darling?
• You look just like Lucy from Charlie Brown. Would you like to pull away my football?
• Damn girl, your breasts have grown since high school.
• Your eyes are blue as sh*t.
• Are you gonna eat that?
• Hi, I’m not Tom Cruise.
• You puttin’ on weight?
• I can make you scream if you just give me five minutes.

I’m Ready: Lots of women hate football season. Obviously they don’t have what I have – three males in the house with season tickets! For just about every home game, they head off to the stadium and I am free! Last night I lit some candles, played CDs with parental advisory stickers, and soaked in a bubble bath all night. Heaven! Anyone want to hang out at Skippers Smokehouse during the next one? Let me know because soon I’ll be knocked up and out of commission for the next two years. Let’s get on this!

Most Obvious Headline: Pregnancies Safe if Morning-After Pill Fails. No sh*t, folks.

Holla’back/Challah Bread: What’s happening over in Israel is a shame. It’s a shame that Jewish troops are forcing Jewish families out of Jewish homes on Jewish land that was acquired after the Six Day War in 1967. Yes, it’s easy for me to yell about Israel’s right to be in Gaza from my comfortable and relatively safe home in Florida; but to those who say Israel owes the so-called Palestinians a thing or two, I ask: Should the United States give Texas back to Mexico? I know you’re thinking, “The state that gave us Tom Delay, a Bush dynasty, and shitty water? Hell, yeah, give it back!” But seriously, you understand my point. Doesn’t current Israeli action reward homicide bombers? “You died for a reason and we are bringing Israel to its knees!” If withdrawing from Gaza brings peace to the region, then I suppose it’s for the best. I just hate to think this is only the beginning and Jerusalem is next. Enough is enough.

Local News: The Florida GOP is trying to convince Joe Scarborough to challenge Katherine Harris for the Republican nomination for US Senate. I look at them both and wonder, “Is this the best you all can do?” Then again, I thought the same thing about Mel Martinez and now the Honorable Embarrassment is sitting pretty in DC, figuring more ways to benefit from tragedies like Terry Schiavo. Now we need two of them? Never underestimate brilliant Republicans and misguided masses who believe their lies, lies, lies.

Watching paint dry: And more wastes of time…

• Trying to convince a grown man and two boys to stop wrestling in the house
• Listening to Rush Limbaugh or watching Fox News in an attempt to learn something meaningful about the other side
• Watching Dodgeball
• Pining away for James Rubin, Jack Black, and you
• Appealing to the state party to get its head out of its ass
• Analyzing aforementioned pick-up lines