So Long Summer

Most teachers in this neck of the woods spent Monday attending mind-numbing seminars. We should have been learning more effective teaching habits. Instead, we learned how to feign interest in mind-numbing seminars.

Actual quotes I overheard, from actual educators, while pretending to pay attention. Oh, the horror:

- “My two year-old loves The Incredibles. He laughs at violence because he’s mature for his age.”

- "I love animals, expecially at the rodeo when they're getting tied up and everything."

- “What did you axe me?”

- “Oh, supposably we’re getting another unit this year.”

- “My husband and I make beautiful children, so I think it’s only right that we make some money off them. They start modeling in September.”

- "This may take awhile. The Roman road wasn't mapped out in one day."

- "He could of learned, but didn't apply himself."

- “I know Barbara. She’s a great teacher, don’t get me wrong, but her ass is huge and all the kids make fun of her. It’s distracting for them. They’re trying to comprehend geometry and have to deal with flab for forty-five minutes. I gotta go, her friend just walked in….I know….I hate her, too. Bye now.”

That last comment came from a girl sitting at my table and talking, quite loudly, into her cell phone. Let’s call her Blondie. For obvious reasons. We’ll come back to Blondie a little later in our program.

Every workshop has the dreaded “Getting to Know You” activity that’s about as uncomfortable as a flex sig. We had to get out an item from our pocket or purse that explained something about ourselves. I took out a picture of my boys.

“My name is Catherine and this is a picture of my children. NEXT!”

Come on, people. Don't overshare. I've got a life to lead.

A few group members showed their college IDs representing graduate school and debt they will never make-up in salary. Others presented gifts their children gave them and one woman displayed a pen because she hoped to take notes and learn a thing or two. HA! Rookie mistake.

Guess what Blondie got out for display? Take a guess. What would a young, blond, Southern woman carry around with her AT ALL TIMES to show at group events????

The Holy Bible with custom-made leather binding and personalized in the upper left corner next to a fish symbol, of course. Must've cost a pretty penny.

“Well, y’all, this is with me as sort of a daily guide. To remind me how to behave.”

I almost opened her bible to the part that discourages "bearing false witness", but decided against it. Blondie’s like those people who put religious symbols on their car next to “Impeach Hillary” bumper stickers, equating spirituality with political fads. They don't respond to logic.

When we put the items in a circle, Blondie plumped God's Word down in the middle of everything. She arranged the circle so expensive leather binding (the only kind Jesus would buy) touched every other item. Guilt by association, right? As the center of all that is important in life, her personalized Holy Book could do us all some good. I looked around the group. To my left was a man more flamboyant than Carson from Queer Eye. I wondered if he agreed with Blondie's version of hellfire punishment for his kind. What about Catholics, other denominations, agnostics, or atheists who don't connect with the King James version? What about Jews? Oh, that’d be me. Blondie mentioned the Bible again and said it was appropriate to be in the center, as if we are all the same, and I decided I'd had enough.

“I’m Jewish and certainly wish I’d brought something to represent the center of my faith. Oh, well. My boys will have to do.”

Blondie didn't talk the rest of the session. She was probably too busy praying for my eternal soul. I got home and told Husband about Blondie and other educational adventures. He breathed a sigh of relief.

“You're back,” he said, “complaining about strangers instead of your children."

"As it should be," I said.