Highlights

No Last Name
A weekly paper, distributed by the St. Petersburg Times, put its reputation at risk by printing one of my parenting rants. tbt* published my column right above an advertisement/coupon for Tampa Bay’s finest nude resort. Check out the phallic flower. Exactly who do they think is reading parenting columns? Makes you wonder about us innocent-looking mommy-types, doesn’t it? Although it’s been years since I last took off my clothes in public, I do like clipping coupons…

Bad News from Boston
New favorite doctor believes my platelet problem is either a mineral/vitamin deficiency or ITP. He wants to investigate further. MGH peeps faxed my old bloodwork in record time (yet another reason to keep in touch with the planet) and turns out my platelets used to be quite plentiful (yet another reason to move back).

Boston’s not only good for my soul, but good for my blood as well.

So where did my platelets go? Who knows…but I love that ITP has awareness bracelets.

SIDE NOTE: I’m no fan of the whole bracelet craze. I only wear one. It’s not yellow or pink or white …although noble causes all. Mine is blue –a gift from a dear friend (albeit a terribly cheap one – what are they – a dollar?), benefits the Democratic Party, and I can wear it at school without getting fired or lectured by conservative administrators. Subtle subversive behavior- big fan!

Anyway, if I’m walking around with ITP, pregnancy is out of the question. Don’t want to bleed all over the place, die young, and leave my man on the make. Guaranteed he’d find some lovely blonde who smells fresh all the time and doesn’t complain about dirty clothes on the floor. We can’t have that.

Instead, I am focusing on good news: plastic surgery is perfectly safe. I cried tears of joy and relief when told I can still get my old body back. Hormones during pregnancy makes ITP worse, but regular surgery is fine. Hallelujah.

I’ll be distributing ITP awareness bracelets at that nude resort in no time.

Feel the Love Part I
Last week -
Husband: Hi, Ron. My car just died on the side of the road. The tow truck isn’t going to be here for a while and I’ve got a meeting in ten minutes.
Dad: (five second pause) Oh yeah? What’s wrong with the car?
Husband: Not real sure.
Dad: (five second pause) Well, don’t take it to the dealership. You’ll get screwed.
Husband: Yeah. Okay. So…
Dad: Where you at again?
Husband: About twenty minutes from your office.
Dad: (sound of drinking coffee)
Husband: I’m sort of stranded.
Dad: (ten second pause and heavy sigh) I’ll call you back.

This week-
Husband: Hi, Ron. Jake’s sick and needs to be picked up at school.
Dad: Give me the address.

Feel the Love Part II
Recent email from my brother:

Hey.
Got your voice mail.
You were "just checking in" huh?
Well then.
I was working.
Got it?
Deal with it.
So.
Um.
How are things?
Yeah.
(sigh)
(yawn)
Whatever.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Maybe.
What time is best for you?
I give a shit.
I'll call when I want.
Hear me?
Feel me?
Dig it?
I knew that you could.
Word.

I love that kid.

Profanity and Politics
My favorite combination – more than handcuffs and Astroglide.
Check it.