Here’s a Treat or Two

“Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see.”

I am against certain things. Pretend you’re shocked. Here is a list of unacceptable behaviors to which you may add, take away, or totally ignore:

--Audible digestion – in all its forms.

--Principals who won’t let teachers take better job offers from competing schools during the school year.

--Hating on Lucy. Come on, she rises at four a.m. to get her blockhead brother from the pumpkin patch. Who’s got a bigger heart than Lucy? Nobody. That’s who.

--Helping when you’re not.

--Supreme Court nominees who believe 1) my uterus belongs to my husband; 2) the FMLA is overreaching; but 3) strip-searching a ten year old is not.

--Anyone who doesn’t see perfection in precious children when they act silly. Especially my two little superheroes.

--Scheduling a NYC trip the same weekend as the Florida Democratic Convention. That sh*t’s gotta stop.

--Trick-or-treaters sporting facial hair.

--Nose-blowing at the dinner table.

--Permanently giving up every guest bedroom in the house to overbearing relatives who have no pension plans. I’m beginning to think people who want to live alone their entire lives are on to something.

--Assuming the one with a demanding wife and two active children should drop everything for people who could godd*mn well do it themselves.

There. That ought to get me kicked out of the next family gathering. Fingers crossed, anyway.