The Plymouth Rock That Landed on Us

“Sit up like some fool and eat turkey? That’s the day your forefathers jerked me.”

My children had their first kindergarten show on Friday: a Thanksgiving Pow-Wow. On my way in the door, I felt slightly uncomfortable with the whole scene. Children dressed like American Indians; complete with feathers, elaborate jewelry made out of colored pasta and frayed shirts decorated with names like Runs Everywhere and Early Bird. (Wouldn’t it have been hysterical to see Still Pees in Bed or Cries Like a Girl? Wouldn’t it? Anyone?) I got into the whole festive atmosphere, but between me and you: privileged kids pretending to be a sh*t-upon ethnic group rubs me the wrong way.

Many things are easily ignored when adorable children are involved. Like looking past the ones who pick their nose, grab their crotch or sing off-key. Yet, I cannot pretend not to think. No matter how much my parents would prefer it. I went into this event prepared for inappropriate “Indian” references and calls to kill turkeys.

It started almost immediately. A song that begins innocently enough, “A turkey is a funny bird” quickly becomes BAD NEWS with, “Turkeys are so good to eat.” Gotta love my youngest adding a big, loud “NOT!” into the song. He’s doing it for laughs, which he gets plenty of, but I see subversive behavior and couldn’t be more proud. Most of the songs are filled with similar images of destruction: “I will help you cook the turkey” and “We like to hunt turkeys” and so on and so forth. It’s all about the godd*mn turkey. And to the tune of “Row Row Row Your Boat” so at least it sounds innocent and sweet.

Then we move on to songs about the old west, no doubt written by white men who learned everything there is to know about that time period from watching John Wayne movies. We’re all aware of who the real bad guys were in most of the Cowboys and Indians scenarios. That’s why it hurts my ears when children continue to put their hands over their mouths to make those sounds. I mean, really. Can we not evolve as a people and focus on something else? No, I do not believe the lessons to five year-olds should entail “Pilgrims brought smallpox and syphilis to the New World and wiped out everyone. Pass the potatoes!” But I am also not in favor of sugarcoating the whole event, putting students in front of Pocahontas and calling it a lesson learned.

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of year. We gather with family and friends and express gratitude for all our blessings. We get drunk and tell embarrassing childhood stories. We ignore Crazy Uncle Al and secretly vow to be out of town for next year’s feast.

Why not sing songs about that?