Oy to the Wrold

Cynics, roll your eyes. Naysayers, scoff if you will. I remain hopeful despite pessimistic peeps. Mark my words: within a decade or so, Chanukah will become as commercialized as Christmas.

A lofty prediction, I know, but look around. Like global warming indicators, the signs are hard to miss. Unless you’re a Republican with your head up your ass. Then I can’t help you.

Below are some gifts and other ways to blow your wad this holiday season. Go crazy:

Universal Studios presents “A Universal Chanukah!” From December 23-25, this popular theme park will celebrate the first night of Chanukah with merriment and menorahs for everyone to enjoy. Upside: Shitty food replaced with kosher cuisine. Downside: music includes ultra-Orthodox singer Gad Elbaz, the Jewish Elvis, whose music “draws on Arab rhythms, Backstreet Boys’ harmonies and the ballads of Whitney Houston and Celine Dion.” Ouch. In other words, don’t forget your iPods.

Jewish Baseball Cards for 2006 are available and quite popular. Who knew so many nice Jewish boys played ball? The set includes current yummies Youkilis, Kapler and Stern from the Red Sox (so nice!) and ancient players who hid their Hebrew hottiness for fear of anti-Semitic backlash. Thank God that’s no longer a concern. We’re so “in” right now and all.

A dear friend lives in Teaneck, NJ who still retains her Israeli citizenship, sends her kids to Jewish day schools, and knows every Yiddish curse word by heart. Yet even she’s not Jewish enough for that town. Teaneck is so dialed-in. (“How dialed-in is it?”) Two words - Gali Girls. Rachels and Sarahs all over the world no longer have to beg for half-naked dolls who look strung out on ecstasy now that this alternative exists. They’re Jewish dolls - no tongue rings or mid-drifts for our little princesses. Gali Girls exhibit values like kindness, respect, honesty, and request a Tiffany engagement ring before going all the way. Just the kinda gal I hope my sons score one day.

...no, not at the same time.