Saturday, April 15, 2006

Boo Boo Tummy

Motherhood is the gift that keeps on giving. For non-believers, check this out. Here's more proof: I'm lying on my back, enjoying gropes that come with the annual doctor's exam and hoping he reflects OUT LOUD about my weight loss. He looks concerned. Not good.

"What's this little lump?"

Doesn't sound like a comment admiring my thighs, does it? He pokes. Prods. Then asks me to stand up and strain like I'm taking a poop. This is fun.

"You've got a hernia," he says.

I let loose some curse words that would make a truck driver reach for his rosaries.

"How did this happen, Doc? I want answers."

"It's caused by a weakness in the muscle walls. Perhaps when you were carrying the twins..."

"G*ddamn it! Those kids."

"It's really not that big a deal. Simple surgery will correct it."

"I want to know what caused it. Who is to blame? Could it be my choice in extra-strength undergarments?"

"No. Excessive exercising perhaps. Straining of any kind. Non-traditional sex. Maybe too much yoga."

"You've hit on every hobby I have. Thanks."

"How many sit-ups you do every day?"

"Two hundred."

"Sweet Jesus. That might be the problem."

"Feel these abs."

"Do you ever lift your children? Don't do that anymore and relax the feminist pose. Let someone else carry groceries and heavy packages."

"Speaking of packages...feel these arms."

"Are you listening to me? You're going to need surgery in the next month or so. Otherwise your innards won't be innards anymore. Are you ever constipated?"

"Well, it is Passover."

"Four cups of prune juice a day and lay off matzo. Too binding."

"You're saying I no longer have to keep Kosher for Passover. Doctor's orders."

"Right."

Hurray for the hernia.

5 Comments:

At 4/15/2006, Blogger What's so funny? said...

I guess only us Jews schedule doctor appointments over the Easter Holiday. You and I could go on tour with our maladies. I too was at the doc. I'm workin' on my next blog so check back. I promise not to steal any of your jokes :)

 
At 4/15/2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just discovered I can't even vaccuum anymore. The list just keeps on growing. What the f*ck am I supposed to do with myself? And if one more person emails me that a steak would build up muscles in my belly - I'm gonna scream.

Gotta schedule this doo-dad pronto.

 
At 4/18/2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL ...love the way you make not-so-fun doctor visits funny. That's good stuff. :-)
I hope you get well (feel better) soon

 
At 4/20/2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Moonbean, make sure Dan rubs the antibiotic cream nice and gently over the stiches...and remember, no touching!!!

 
At 4/30/2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The hernia thing aint too bad. I had one a few years ago. You get out of doing just about anything for a while and get some good drugs out of the deal too.

 

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