Day in the Life of Acting-Single Parent During Summer Break

7am- Feel tickle, brush away, and curse Florida bugs.

7:02am- Feel tickle again, open eyes and see two smiling six year-olds. Mutter “You’ve got to be f*cking kidding me with this 7am sh*t.” Roll over.

7:05am- Hear “Mommy, can we snuggle?” and give in because kids might play major-league ball one day. Pretend interrupted x-rated dream wasn’t so great after all.

7:30am- Watch neighbors in power suits leaving for work while wearing slippers and oversized t-shirt. (Mother’s Day gift. Cause I’m hot.)

7:45am- Take shower and ignore occasional “If you tell, I won’t be your best friend!”

8am- Husband calls sounding well-rested on his way to important power breakfast. Burn cereal and wonder aloud why I never developed a taste for coffee. Or heroin.

8:15am- Clean house while singing Futile is Fun in case someone actually requests a showing.

8:45am- Hustle kids out the door “cause we’ve got a life to lead.”

9:30am- Arrive at MOSI or Lowry Park Zoo. Once in a while hit up a local business giving away free movie passes, the library for story time or (personal favorite) a friend’s house for playdate fun and free alcohol.

Noon- Feed kids organic homemade lunch. Incur wrath of Zoo Keepers or docents who insist no outside food. Explain children have special diet. “Special” means “healthy” – leave out part about yucky $7 pizzas.

1pm- Call husband to see if he misses me. Call gets dropped again.

2pm- Drive home yelling at Rush Limbaugh.

2:15pm- See empty house. Curse realtor, bad luck, St. Joseph, and chocolate cookies now waiting to move from counter to mouth to thighs.

2:30pm- Answer 900th “I’m bored” with sunscreen and orders to get lost until dinner.

3:30pm- React to daily emergency. Perhaps an open wound requiring stitches. Maybe a lost garden snake that wants to play or the always fun and exciting allergic reaction. Straighten house again before rushing off to emergency room. Remember realtor’s advice. Put away communist literature and lock Grownup Closet because “incredibly lifelike” toys can scare off potential buyers.

4:00pm: If home, teach kids to play Battleship or other violent board game that only allows two players so Mommy can get back to important things like hating Oprah.

5:00pm: Doze off trying to understand 1776 while kids read silently for ten glorious minutes. Wake up to arguments over computer games and threaten children with physical violence.

5:30pm: Thank God for tubby time and PBS Kids. Call family members and friends for grownup conversation. Two words: lotsa voicemails.

6:30pm: Feeding time at the Robinson Zoo. Insist foreign slave traders would pay top dollar for two little white boys.

7:30pm: Read latest Harry Potter book out loud, using different voices for each character, only to hear complaints from pint size Ebert and Roeper.

8:05pm: Husband calls to say goodnight. Kids turn into angels for first time since morning phone call. Then Husband tells me about a party or gallery opening he's attending that night. I tell him about grownup toys.

9:00pm: Continue love affair with both Ben and Jerry. Pretend to miss exercising.

9:30pm: Hear taps against window, get excited, look outside and curse Florida bugs.

11pm: Fall asleep watching All in the Family reruns. (Cause I’m hot.)