"Once I discovered Shaun Cassidy's ass, it was all over."

There are certainties one must accept when living in the Evangelical Capital of the World. For example, I'm coming to grips with this area's conservative voting pattern. My silly neighbors - church-going (read: frigid) women and pious (read: frustrated) men serve a purpose; they keep the porn industry alive. And I probably won't get invited to social events where everyone drinks non-alcoholic beverages and talks about the Lord. Fingers crossed, anyway.

One thing that continues to boggle my mind, though, is the fascination right-wingers have with homosexuality.

Evangelicals love them some gays. Nothing gets a holyroller foaming more than the mere suggestion of man-on-man love. (They have a different, if private, reaction to girl-on-girl action. Who doesn't?) This attitude manifests itself in various ways: hate crimes, men donning disguises just to rent Brokeback Mountain, and unconstitutional measures that attempt to exclude homosexuals from "ordinary civic life". Fun stuff.

Due to this reputation, a new campaign began recently in The Springs. Banners show a puppy and the word "moo". Cute, right? I thought it was about ice cream for dogs. However, the companion ad on television explains that Norman the puppy says "moo" instead of "woof". He behaves like a cow because he was born that way. These ads teach tolerance, using the argument that sexual orientation is handed down in much the same way baby blues were bestowed upon me - through genetics or the grace of God, whichever you prefer.

Those who insist homosexuality is treatable and preventable can even go online for enlightenment. They should answer the following question: When did you decide to be straight? I'd love to hear James Dobson relate that particular experience for us. I hope these ads spark some kind of conversation among the clueless and clued-in alike. Especially before the November election when no less than four separate ballot initiatives may leave most voters confused. Breaks down like this:

Referendum H authorizes same-sex domestic partnerships. Angers the religious right because they think "Hate State" has a nice ring to it.

Initiative 83 ensures only a union of one man and one woman shall be recognized in Colorado. Backed by Our Lord is Superior to Yours partnership of churches.

Initiative 109 would prohibit the state from recognizing any legal status similar to marriage.

Initiative 139 establishes domestic partnerships and declares such partnerships different from marriage but with similar rights and benefits. In other words, gay couples who cannot afford a lawyer and litigation would still be able to visit each other in a hospital. I know. Bastards!

Referendum H will definitely be on the ballot in November; the others need more than 67,000 signatures by August 7th in order to make the cut. How many supporters for 83 and 109 exist? Are there enough haters dedicated to keeping intolerance alive in the new millennium?

Holy Liza Minelli. We're going to need more than a clever ad campaign to fight that kind of madness.