And She's Just My Type

The Good Wife’s Guide, supposedly from a 1950s textbook, advises women on how to get along with their husbands. Read it here. You probably expect me to gripe about unenlightened days before Calgon took us away; a time when most women needed prescription drugs just to get out of bed each morning.

Wrong!

Where has this manifesto been my whole life? Imagine, ten years of marriage and I’m only now discovering the truth. Granted, some of the language is a bit soft and outdated. Therefore, I’m taking this diatribe, adding some modern lingo, and presenting it anew to today’s wedded women. Here we go.

The Good Wife’s Guide or Snap Out of It (whichever you’d prefer)

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead and make an effort. What have you done all day, cleaned vomit off the loveseat? Boo hoo, you missed Ellen. Cry about it. Your husband had to conduct ten staff sessions where the most important feedback came from Alice in Receiving who thinks the new Healthy Choice vending machines "suck". Stop talking and get dinner on the table before 7pm. It's Poker Night.

Prepare yourself - take 15 minutes to rest and, for the love of Pete, remove the housecoat. Wait until your seventies to play that part. Besides, he’s already flirting with Gloria, star sales rep who will do anything - anything - without getting drunk first. Touch up your makeup, cover the stress acne on your neck, and wrap a ribbon around that mop. Help him help you. Know what I'm saying?

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him – preferably with your best friend Tanya. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it so don’t be shy. Throw in a toy or two.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives and put away the booze. He’s not interested in how you make it through the day, just as long as you picked up his dry cleaning. That’s all that concerns him.

Gather up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Who do you think pays for Pottery Barn? Show Dick some respect.

Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. Daddy won’t touch them if they have dried snot on their shirts. When the kiddies fuss, threaten to knock a tooth loose. They are with Daddy for a few minutes, tops, which allows you to take a poop in peace for the first time all day. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet by withholding hugs and kisses. Works like a charm.

Be happy to see him. Remember – he pays for your pedicures.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Later – stain the ass of his work pants with ink. It'll take weeks for him to notice. By that time, Bert in the mail room will have convinced everyone your husband has Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Again. Gloria will hear this rumor and take up with someone else. Everyone wins.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to say, but no one cares about Elmo's shenanigans. Not even Tanya. And shut up already about your bad veins. Do you want him to throw you out before or after the kids leave for college? Think about it.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Take advantage of the time off and do something productive – scrape dead skin off your elbows or, better yet, tend to some much-needed trimming. Two words: Brazilian wax. Only hurts for a second.

Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Besides, the sooner he goes to sleep, the sooner you can get online with Miguel.

Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. That's what your blog is for.

A good wife always knows her place. And how to keep it. So bend over, baby.