Lead My Team to Sixty Wins

There are several events to dread when you're a mom and stranded in suburbia.

• children's birthday parties - these usually take place outdoors or in a laser tag arena; uncomfortable and sweaty either way
• playdates - stories about little Tara's bowel movements make an hour seem more like a 20-year death sentence; plus no one has ever heard of Maureen Dowd
• purchasing parties - 'nuff said.

Purchasing parties are the worst. No matter the theme: scrapbooking, knicknacks, cooking, or makeup - participants always resemble your mom's old bridge partners. Who wants to party with them? Most of the time, I'm looking in the back for one or two husbands playing poker. Get them off sports and onto current events, at least the conversation is interesting. And they always have beer.

Then I heard about Passion Parties. Finally, a party for women that I can get behind, in front of, and in between. Moms and single girlfriends want to come and men are even itching for an invite. Sorry boys, when we're licking Passion Powder off ourselves, you can't watch. Not for a few hours, anyway. The invitation couldn't be more clear:

I'm picky about such items and always figured it best to order online, under cover of darkness, with my husband's name so he gets the porn spam (you're welcome), but then I looked at the Passion Party stash. Turns out, I'm already a customer. Bottom right-hand corner, big fan!

So I decided to host my very own purchasing party. This won't be any ordinary event, though - some hostess hints:

• Orders take place in a separate area so no one laughs when you pick the Puny Pecker.
• I'm not allowed to do the presentations. Damn.
• No one under eighteen on the premises during said party. Arrests would stomp on my buzz.
• Serving suggestions include red wine and chocolate.
• The consultant wants a table near multiple electrical outlets. Apparently we should also have batteries on hand. Don't worry, when they ask for volunteers, I'm all over it.

Wanna come? If female and free October 14th at 7pm (or you want your girl to go) - let me know. Everyone else will have to buy the book.