Too Sweet to be Sour, Too Nice to be Mean

Any Heebs in the house? This one's for you.

Every year before Rosh Hashanah, synagogues send out tickets to members for High Holy Day services. Included is usually a letter that lays out the rules and regulations for attending such services. Below please find the letter I received with my additions in bold. Bold. Get it?

Dear Members and Guests:

Enclosed are your non-transferable tickets for the High Holy Day services. We're not kidding. Non-transferable means non-transferable. Cousin Louie cannot pass for your son. Not since his teeth started falling out. So tell him to purchase his own godd*mned ticket. Please bring your tickets to each service and present them to the ushers at the door. Don't make us pull a
Mossad on your ass. No will be admitted without a ticket. This isn't a charity, people, and none of you are displaced refugees anymore. We've seen the retirement funds so don't be meshugina. Anty up or stay home. If you don't have a ticket with you, you will be asked to see the Office Administrator, at the Lobby check-in desk, for entry. That happened last year to Bernie Sinkowitz and he's still on medication as a result. We will put you in the Kiddie Room and take pictures to be circulated at Erma Finklefraub's Coffee Klatch next month. Gotta talk about someone, might as well be you. Tickets are not required for children under the age of eighteen entering with their family. Except for sixteen year-old Esther Greenberg who always shows up with new piercings and a goyim boyfriend - she's not getting in this year.

We remind parents that children need to remain with their family unless reservations have been made with our sitter service. The sitter this year is Cantor Al's daughter - the one with the deviated septum - who will ignore your children and smack her gum all morning. What do you want for $2 an hour? The ushers have been instructed to return any children wandering the halls to their parents. If we have to sit through a nine-hour service, they do too.

Enclosed with your tickets this year is your new synagogue parking
sticker. Please affix it to the front windshield of your car. This sticker will
entitle you to park in our parking lot, based on availability. It will also
entitle you to dirty looks and rude comments when attending garage sales in Plant City. So good luck with that. Arrangements have been made to use the parking lot at the Mormon Meeting Hall adjacent to our property for overflow parking. Enough with the polygamy jokes. They're our friends this year. If you park in the Mormon lot, please respect their property and do not smoke when on their grounds. In turn, they promise to stop throwing leftover shrimp kebobs on our lawn. Everybody wins.

At Kol Nidre service the doors will close promptly at 8pm until the completion of the Kol Nidre prayer. Cause nothing shows the love of the Lord more than praying under lock and key.

In keeping with the decorum of the service we remind you to please turn
off pagers and cell phones before entering the building. That means you, Dr. Klein. Loudly discussing a patient's adverse reactions to augmentation on your cell phone is inappropriate. Let us enjoy a good Shofar blowing in peace.

At the conclusion of Yom Kippur services on Monday, October 2, you are cordially invited to attend a modest Break the Fast of challah, wine and juice cause nothing satisfies starvation like stale bread and sugar-saturated wine.

On behalf of the Board of Directors, we look forward to greeting you at
High Holy Day services, reminding you about unpaid dues and critiquing your clothes and kids.

L'Shana Tova Tikatayvu. Bitch.

Here's hoping we all are inscribed in the Book of Life before it slams shut and we're sh*t out of luck.