Let Me Get Some Action from the Back Section

While talking to a friend the other night, we got on the subject of home remedies. I don't mean to get all Addison on you, but doctors, and modern medicine in general, don't always get it right.
If you are suffering from any of the following ailments or assaches, listen up.

• When bundle of joy is teething, you're gonna want to hide somewhere until the screaming stops. Fight the urge to throw yourself off a cliff and stay away from the drugstore. Here's what you must do: pour some whiskey in a shot glass. Dip your pinky inside the liquid and rub it all over Junior's sore little gums. Put Junior to bed. Then drink the rest of the shot yourself. Everyone wins.
• After Little Miracle clawed her way out, you noticed that...well...certain things started coming out the ass. Completely normal. Uncomfortable but normal. Stay away from medication and try this instead: Drink a cup of prune juice every morning and another one around 7pm. Trust me. Will clean you out more effectively than a tax collector. Then soak in a sitz bath for about fifteen minutes every night before bed. Freshens you up in more ways than one. And completely cures tushie troubles.
• A guy I blow...I mean, know...used to have what medical men refer to as "boo-boo tummy." Hunkalove couldn't eat a thing without severe heartburn. Tried three different meds, chewed Tums like candy corn and suffered an occasional attitude problem whenever I served Mexican. Then he discovered Organic Apple Cider Vinegar with Mother. No lie. Dude took a tablespoon with every meal which gradually gave way to a tablespoon every day and now he's cured. Completely. One hundred percent. Every few weeks he takes this Magic Elixir for preventative reasons, but otherwise the man is a delight to dine with again.

Three success stories. Problems solved without pharmaceutical intervention. And don't forget the most important part of this lesson: Drink the rest of the shot yourself.

Class dismissed.