Not a Divorcee

I love my male friends. Especially the ones married to my female friends. One such stud sent me this bit of IT humor.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

This would have been MY REPLY.

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about with their d*ck in one hand and remote control in the other.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 without reading the manual because hey - that's the philosophy that got them through high school. Wake up, Scooter! Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING because you can't find coffee filters when they're right in front of you!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0 in much the same way your bald spot is irreversible. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed, because you had to insist on "No condoms anymore - I wanna feel you." So blame yourself and rub her belly.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 has clipped your nose hairs and cleaned your dirty underwear. The mystery is gone. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. Like how about chewing with your mouth closed? I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation because you ran out of logic years ago.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. It'd help if you turned off the game first. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as The Air Filter Isn't Going to Change Itself 3.0, Pick Up Your F*CKING Clothes 2.5 and Do Me Without Watching TV At the Same Time 1.0.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program I'll Go Get Mine 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! Just use your own credit card.

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application will simply kickstart the dormant How I Found a Hot Man Who Listens 5.6.

Best of luck and get your hand out of your pants,
Tech Support