On the Microphone, You Know that I'm at Home

Conservatives have allowed religious whackjobs to hijack their movement. Dig on this: Ten Principles of Conservatism. I've taken the liberty of publishing these so-called principles with what they *didn't say* in bold.

No really. It was my pleasure. Gotta do something while the weather is frightful.

1. God’s Law Governs Nations as Well as Men.
The Ten Commandments should not only be enshrined in our courthouses, they should be engraved in our hearts and minds as guides to all behavior, public and private. This doesn't apply to our elected officials or pastors. Obviously. As the Founders acknowledged in the Declaration of Independence, laws and policies that violate the natural law are abuses of government power that must be resisted and reversed. I haven't actually *read* the Declaration of Independence. I was homeschooled.

2. Life Is the First God-Given Right
It’s always wrong to deliberately take an innocent human life. When this principle is abridged, violence escalates. Thus we have aborted 47 million unborn babies in the past three decades, begun to accept euthanasia and doctor-assisted suicide, and stand at the threshold of cloning human beings for the specific purpose of killing them. I learned all about this on The Sci-Fi Channel. Again. Homeschooled.

3. Marriage and Family Come Before the State and Deserve Its Protection
The marriage of one man and one woman is the natural foundation of all human society, except in P-Town, and the means by which children ought to be brought into the world and taught the basic values of our civilization. Government has a duty to recognize and protect the family and must not grant alternative relationships the same status and privileges. Back of the bus, homos!

4. Freedom of Conscience is the Soul of Liberty
Understanding that freedom of conscience is at the heart of liberty, the Framers protected freedom of religion and assembly in the 1st Amendment. Movements to force the Boy Scouts to accept homosexual scout masters, or to compel religious individuals or organizations to distribute birth control or abortion drugs against their beliefs, directly attack these freedoms. Gay men and sluts - f*ck em! They don't deserve any protections or freedoms. Can I get an "Amen"?

5. Private Property is the Servant of Freedom
The more that individuals, families and businesses can acquire and control the goods necessary to sustain and advance themselves, the more autonomy they will have from the state and others who may wish to unjustly restrict their freedom to bring weapons to work and pray in school. The free and responsible use of private property tends to create greater wealth and greater freedom for greater numbers of people. Learn more in my DVD series, "How to Become Mega-Rich: First, Take a Million Dollars..."

6. Government Dependency is the Seed of Tyranny
The more that individuals, families and businesses are dependent on the state for the goods necessary to sustain and advance themselves, the less autonomy they will have from the state and others who may wish to unjustly restrict their freedom. This is why expanding the welfare state is bad, and Social Security personal retirement accounts, Health Savings Accounts and school choice are good. When we say so, the opposite applies: Reproductive freedom - bad; Defense contractors - good. Freedom to marry for everyone - bad; laws allowing us to shoot first and ask questions later - good. We clear?

7. The Constitution Means What It Says
Believing in the God-given rights of man (like when a man desires a woman - it's a gift from God, but when a man desires a man - it's the result of bad tequila the night of conception) and understanding the imperfect nature of human beings, the Framers crafted a Constitution designed to protect the former from the latter. Many of the problems in U.S. government would be resolved if the President, Congress and Courts limited themselves and each other to the authority the Constitution actually grants them. Don't bother with law school - too elitist. Just go to church and ask Pastor Ted about boundaries. He has all the answers.

8. Taxes Are Justified Only to Fund Necessary Government Spending
A massive and complex tax code has become a powerful weapon politicians can use to pressure citizens to behave as the politicians, or the interest groups that support the politicians, wish. The correct function of taxation is to equitably collect only that revenue needed to fund the legitimate activities of a constitutionally limited government. Like war. And wiretaps. Oh, and war.

9. National Defense Is Just That
The first duty of the federal government is to defend the American people against foreign enemies and the media. While advancing freedom in the world is good in itself, if oil is involved —and, where it prudently can be done, like Iraq - we're kicking ass over there - would advance the interests of the United States--ultimately, the mandate for our national leaders is to use whatever moral means they can to carve out that path in our relations with foreign powers that is most likely to lead to enhanced security, prosperity and freedom for this nation. And we're all about moral means. Ask Iraqi civilians and the prisoners at Gitmo. Praise Jesus.

10. We Should Strive to Give Our Children a Better Country
America is more than just an expanse of territory or a set of laws. We also have Wal-Mart and the Lord. It is a culture, whose art, architecture, journalism, music, movies, television, schools and universities, should reflect and reinforce the traditional values that made this country great. So let's burn down Harvard. We owe this to our children, who will build the America of tomorrow on the foundation of the America we teach them to love today. Traditional values ruled our great country before sh*t like the 14th Amendment, Civil Rights Laws, and Roe v. Wade f*cked it up for the rest of us. We need to go back to the days when white men were in charge, poor women died and everybody else played along or were beaten to a bloody pulp. You know, the good old days.