A Year and A Day

Do you get annual newsletters so pretentious you want to scream? Me, too. Therefore I send one every year just to make people laugh. If you didn't get one, I don't have your address. Send it along and you, too, can share in the joy of my family's accomplishments.

Or read it here. Completely up to you.

Our Annual Year in Pee-Yoo

Let's look back at 2006 just one more time before the meds kick in. Here we go:

JANUARY: Husband gets new job - no longer surrounded by menopausal women. Much rejoicing. New job folds two weeks later. The boys turn 6 and must learn a trade. I write about my breasts for The St. Petersburg Times. Mom is thrilled.

FEBRUARY: Husband gets job offer in Colorado Springs. That lovely retreat just north of intolerance, to the west of bigotry. Upside: Becky, Sister-in-law, and Sister live close by. Downside: Becky, Sister-in-law, and Sister live close by. Bio Dad gets in touch after 15 years of peace and quiet. Seems he found my site and decided to reach out. Gotta love Google.

MARCH: Husband leaves for Colorado and moves in with Becky and He Who Owns. I begin romantic relationship with battery-operated machinery. Host house party for Jim Davis, proving a political event in Pasco County does not have to include farm animals, pick-up trucks, or guests with missing teeth. The boys and I go to Colorado Springs for Spring Break. Kids love the snow and I relate to the cold. Plan to sell house back in Tampa, hoping to be reunited as a family, come summertime. Next day, ten-year real estate boom tanks. God heard laughing his ass off.

APRIL: I consult plastic surgeon and begin saving for $20K tummy tuck/breast reduction procedure. Husband pretends I'm perfect then contemplates selling a kid or kidney to pay for it. The Tampa Tribune prints story about vegetarian Jews in the Bay area - all two of us. Runs my picture on the front page. Circulation drops by 40%.

MAY: I undergo hernia surgery and alienate half the nursing staff at St. Joe's Hospital. Seems they don't respond well to requests for beer. Summer begins and I embark on Goodbye Tour that never ends. Husband continues to come home for monthly conjugal visits and is thrilled that "relations" have increased in frequency.

JUNE: I learn to shoot guns - because nothing is scarier than a well-armed liberal. Also stuck talking to six year olds all day. Husband turns 38 and "accidentally" finds naked pictures of Becky. Best gift in fifteen years. House still hasn't sold, but we're hopeful. Attend Husband's 20th high school reunion before leaving for the Wild West. Plan to never return. So long suckers!

JULY: Minivan dies in Melbourne along with my remaining good will. Camcorder and DVD player are stolen. Youngest is heard mumbling, "F*ck Florida." Finally, vehicle is fixed and we make it to The Springs without following through on divorce proceedings. Move in with Becky and prepare for demise of 23+ year friendship. Husband and He Who Owns stock wine cellar and act interested when "Woody Miller" story comes up for 156th time.

Three weeks later, I get a job offer in Tampa. Becky pretends to cry as I head back to Florida with the kids. Dad meets us in Missouri and sleeps the rest of the way home. Threatens to hitchhike in Tennessee when I won't stop for unscheduled bathroom breaks.

AUGUST: I am back at Superior High School. Boys start 1st grade and begin asking more questions about sex, drugs, and Jesus. Loving public school. Husband enjoys football season, downtime, and the Internet. Pretends to miss my to-do lists.

SEPTEMBER: Jim Davis wins primary. We lower price of house and offer two healthy boys as incentive. No takers. Yet.

OCTOBER: Breast cancer foundation asks local bloggers and writers to donate pictures of their breasts. I get involved. Mom is thrilled. Site views increase and new friends are made. Foundation raises ten bucks. Husband flies home to surprise me for 11th wedding anniversary. New friends are told to "cool it" for three days.

NOVEMBER: Election ends with Charlie Crist as Florida's new governor. I turn 37 and Husband stops taking my phone calls.

DECEMBER: After Sister and Brother-in-Law sign waivers promising new baby will not be a "talker" or registered Republican - brand new nephew is welcomed into the world. Kid takes one look at everyone and tries to go back inside. I'm with him.

Here's to a peaceful and prosperous 2007. Wait. What's that I hear?

God - still laughing his ass off.