You've Gone Wet Look Crazy
Stalkers are apparently a problem.
The Tampa Tribune featured a story about one such animal who called his ex-girlfriend over 7000 times. Brother needs a life. Favorite quote: "You will choose to allow me to love you or will choose to have us destroy each other! There is no halfway point in my entitlement with you."
Sounds like my parents' 1969 marriage vows.
There are those who believe we need stronger anti-stalking laws. Nonsense! We need stronger women. Granted, I don't have the "come stalk me" vibe or measurements (yet); however, how hard can it be to get rid of someone? I have plenty of ideas. Work with me, girls.
If someone is lurking,
- pick your nose or ass. If they are in the car next to you with a camera, wipe your fingers on the window and laugh hysterically until they drive away.
- pretend you are a cow and get down on all fours. Then start eating grass. Tried this once when I was in high school. Dude thought I was *insane*. I blamed it on mushrooms.
- wear Daisy Dukes - two sizes too small - support hose and slippers while sweeping the driveway. Bend over. A lot.
- return their phone calls and say, "You know what I was thinking?" and then fart in the phone. Laugh like a crazy woman and hang up. Do this every night for a month.
- find out where they work and call them every day at lunchtime. Cry real loud and blow your nose into the phone.
- wait for them in the parking lot after work with a boom-box blasting In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel. Tried this once in college. Dude thought I was *insane*. I blamed it on mushrooms. Then we got married. So forget this idea.
- email every hour with inappropriate quotes from The Bell Jar and close-up shots of your labia. Between wax jobs. Under fluorescent lighting. Smoking a cigarette. (Don't ask, just do. Works like a charm.)
- meet face-to-face after you haven't showered or brushed your teeth for several days. Invade his personal space and order salad. Then smile with lettuce between your teeth. Pull his ear hair and scratch yourself several times.
Anyone can be disgusting and unattractive with just a little bit of effort. Trust me, I know. Don't make me show you the pictures.
posted by kate @ 5:58 AM
3 comments
3 Comments:
The only problem with these techniques is that they'd have to be used preemptively-before the stalker potential is known. (Be careful with that cow one, you are headed out west to ranch country.)
I hope you don't get blasted for blaming the victims, because I think your larger point is correct. We need stronger women. Women strong enough to identify the potential stalker, sexual harasser, using jerk, generally unuitable waste of plasma, etc. and firmly send him on his way long before she becomes uncomfortable-much less the victim of a crime.
"email every hour with inappropriate quotes from The Bell Jar and close-up shots of your labia. Between wax jobs. Under fluorescent lighting. Smoking a cigarette."
I saw this on the internet once. How do you keep the cig lit in there? :-)
Talent. Nothing but pure talent.
Post a Comment
<< Home