A category you won't find in the pages of Creative Loafing -

Best Place to Get a Mammogram: Lifetime Cancer Screening at Moffitt

A few years ago, I had this to report:

When women hit thirty-five, doctors recommend more fiber in our diets. They also
recommend a baseline mammogram with which to compare old boobs someday. Many
women complain that a mammogram is painful because breasts are smashed like
pancakes for not-so-flattering pictures. Me? I like the rough stuff.

Could do without a technician groping the girls and saying, “Sorry, but
I have to move them up to where they USED to be, you know, before gravity took
over.”

Moffitt also throws in a breast exam. For no extra charge,
another tech will demonstrate how to play with yourself and feel for lumps all
at the same time. A multi-tasker’s dream! After an hour of going to first base
with two middle-aged women, I also learned how to make unattractive poses in the
mirror while looking for “irregularities”. So hot.

Unfortunately, it's easier to get a table at Armani's on Valentine's Day than to get into Moffitt anytime soon. Since Dr. Berger needs my mammogram but quick (surgery must commence on March 12, 2007) I had to settle for Carrollwood Radiology.

What a disappointment.

No groping, no titorials, no love. Just a couple of squashed breasts and I was out the door in less than ten minutes.

Admittedly, I was only in for pre-surgery cancer screening. Dr. Berger needs to make sure all is well before he rearranges the not-quite-ready-for-prime-time-players. However, for all your breast cancer awareness needs, I must recommend Moffit above all the rest.

They know their boobies.