I Had No Idea I Needed So Much Work

My students want answers.

"Ms. Robinson," they say, "where you gonna be next week?"

"I'll be where I'm at."

This only leads to further questions. So I say,

"Surgery."

"What kind?"

"Plastic."

"What're you getting done?"

"I'll tell you on the last day of school," I say, "as long as you pass my class."

This has led to endless speculation. The kind that makes me want to drink heavily and vomit.

"Gonna do something about your nose?"

"Get a permanent tan because you are kinda pasty looking."

"Botox? For that forehead?"

"I know - a lift! Boobs or face?"

"Making your butt bigger?"

"Trying to look young again?"

"Should try permanent make-up so your eyes don't droop as much. Get rid of some freckles."

And my favorite: "You should get bigger boobs. My mom did that and all the guys in the neighborhood love her now. Including my old boyfriends."