Things I Never Thought I'd Say

Not ever.

• "Stop calling during Oprah."
• "I hadn't heard. What's going on in the world?"
• "I can't get comfortable enough to read. Besides, these housewives from Orange County are a mess. I love how a mess they are."
• "Nothing. What are you doing?"
• "Seriously, it looks like they took someone's bottom and someone else's top and sewed them together. That's what I look like. Grotesque doesn't even begin to cover it."
• "Can't do that either. Even though the surgeon never went near my mouth."
• "I love this commercial."
• "No, I'm not wearing a bra."
• "I was a mess before and I'm a mess now. Only now, I'm also broke."
• "Don't mind me. I'm having my daily cry."
• "I think I want to learn how to cook. If Rachael Ray can do it, so can I."

That last one? Just. Plain. Scary.