An Easter Outing

Pile my kids into the car for two reasons:

• pick up essentials (read: Tylenol and a six-pack) at Publix
• rent The Karate Kid from Blockbuster

That's it. No other reason to venture out wearing only a housecoat because everything else is in the laundry (and the only clean shirts available don't fit over swollen, post-surgery boobs) and besides, every ounce of energy left weeks earlier with no forewarding address.

Pull into the parking lot and G*DDAMN IT Publix is closed. Because of Easter.

"That's okay, Mommy," oldest says, "we can do this again tomorrow."

At least my extra-large shirts will be out of the dryer by then.

We search for our movie. Browze through entire store twice before asking Teenager Assistant Manager who's blowing bubblegum in everyone's general direction.

"That was checked out a half-hour ago."

Of course. Cause I'm not the only Mom jonesing for a Ralph Macchio moment.

"Good!" youngest says. "We can rent Star Wars again!"

"No," I say, "let's look for one where we don't know all the dialogue."

The Princess Bride. Willow. Goonies. All out.

Superman is now an updated version rated PG-13. So that's out.

After fifteen minutes and heading quickly into Migraine Territory, I tell the kids to pick something they haven't seen before. Youngest picks a cartoon rated G and Oldest picks a football film rated PG.

Fine. Let's go.

Not until we're in the car do I look carefully at their choices. Cartoon has a (what the f*ck?) lead character wearing A YANKEES CAP. Fantastic. And the football movie? What's this? Comes with a recommendation from the DOVE FOUNDATION? And was "brought to you" by a Baptist church!?!?!?!

No six-pack as far as the eye can see. And I'm all out of Tylenol.