A Good Pesach to All

Main reason Dad doesn't do Passover with us - the hour long reading before dinner. See, Dad believes reading shouldn't be done at the table, but on the toilet as God intended.

Here's a Passover reading even Dad could get behind. Try it out tonight.

The Two-Minute Haggadah
A Passover service for the impatient.

Opening prayers:
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt . Now we're free. That's why
we're doing this.

Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt , we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

Funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was
morning.(Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child-explain Passover.
Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
Silent child-explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child-browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five
bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt .
Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea . We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel , get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice-you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu": If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea , it would've been enough. If he'd parted the Red Sea -(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.

h/t Becky