My Sister Calls This: Spoken Like a Man Who Doesn't Have Kids

My brother hasn't had any children yet. But that doesn't stop him from dispensing valuable advice. From time to time, I will chronicle his words of wisdom here. So that future generations will benefit from his genius.

Boys discover their penises around toddler time. And thus begins a lifelong love affair.

Once, when I was bathing my babies and Oldest grabbed onto himself, I winced and said,

"Sweetie, you wanna relax? That's gotta hurt."

I attempted to move his baby hand away. Didn't want the kid to damage himself. Brother, who was visiting, closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Katie," he said, "don't ever tell a man how to touch his testicles."

Long pause.

"Ever."

What did I say? Genius. Another:

My nephew doesn't want his pacifier. Keeps spitting it out.

Brother's advice:

"Secure the pacifier with a rubber band around the kid's head. When he spits it out - WAPOW - goes right back in. That'll teach him."

Dude should write a book.