Status Check

Four weeks since breast reduction/tummy tuck.

In an effort to keep all two of you informed (you're welcome), I thought I'd report honestly what to expect if you decide to go the nip/tuck route.

Think long and hard before going under the knife. First of all, lose every unnecessary pound and get in shape. You'll thank me later. I got down to my goal weight and stayed in shape for years after the boys were born before realizing that nothing but surgical intervention was going to make me bathing suit-worthy again. If I went through the pain and discomfort that comes from major surgery only to look in the mirror and see a fat ass or thunder thighs or flabby arms - I'd drive off the nearest cliff. No, it's hard enough going through all this and seeing that (sighofrelief) I am now proportionate. Only thing keeping me sane.

Keep in mind that for at least four weeks post-body trauma, you will not be able to (or more importantly) even want to:

• wax
• exercise
• clean
• practice yoga
• do the grown-up
• stay up past 9:30pm, even on weekends
• drink wine or tequila
• dance

You will be so swollen, so sore, the only clothes that will fit or feel comfortable are oversized shirts and sweatpants. Which means you'll feel frumpy. And so not sexy. And fat. Despite the fact that you've actually lost weight. Doesn't matter. You'll still feel ugly and look even worse.

The tegaderms or steri-strips that cover your wounds will itch. The only real comfort will come in the form of localized massage. This is not something you can do in public without being brought up on charges, so just grin and bear it. Or go into your office, draw the curtains, and play with yourself while moaning with relief. Co-workers *love* that.

You'll get at least two more bills from the hospital. For added expenses.

You won't feel like eating much. People will worry that you're wasting away. Especially Mom, who says she's seen better legs on Ethiopian children. When your appetite finally returns, you will eat three pieces of pizza in one sitting only to hear Dad say, "Keep eating like that and your tummy tuck will have been a huge waste of money."

Yeah. Family is great.

So, once again, prepare and really consider your options before making the "Dr. 90210" leap. And don't say I didn't warn you.