Assbag of the Week - Brett Johnson

Last year, Colorado Springs threw a St. Patrick's Day Parade and...

Wait a second.

Gotta pause for a minute. First of all, I'm of Irish descent. Secondly, I was born right outside Scranton, Pennsylvania. And third, I lived in Boston for four years. Plus I know all the words to Danny Boy.

This town I now call home - Colorado Springs - home to more protestants than Ulster itself - claims to host a *real* St. Patrick's Day parade? Somehow I doubt that. More like a bunch of conservatives drinking green beer and wearing green cowboy hats marching through the street looking for a union to bust.

Please, pog mo thoin. Someday my relatives will come to town and show you how it's done.

So anyway, the "parade" was underway last year when a few walkers exposed peace symbols on their green shirts and held signs calling for an end to our unjust war.

I know. The bastards.

So the cops came and busted some skulls. Dragged one woman on her ass and wounded her badly enough so that she had to seek medical attention.

Yesterday, the seven arrested troublemakers arrived in court to stand trial for blocking a street during the event.

That's right, folks. *Blocking a street.* Something I do every other day when staring in horror at the latest anti-choice, pro-Jesus billboard in my neighborhood. Had no idea this could lead to an ass-whipping.

In opening statements, city attorney Brett Johnson told the jurors the
protesters, who were marching under a permit for the business Bookman, owned by
one of the defendants, broke the rules of the parade by advocating on a social
issue. “They were there to promote a different cause, a social issue, that was
not part of the parade,” Johnson said. “It would change the meaning of the
parade, it would change the message of the parade.”

Right. The message. In other words, if those seven protesters had just gotten drunk and thrown up on someone, like any self-respecting Fenian, none of this would've happened.

To my neighbors who wouldn't know an Irishman from a drunken Limey, I have news for you: An event that involves alcohol, arguments, and aggravated assault is straight outta Dublin. You don't call the *cops*. You shake hands and buy everyone a round of Guinness.

So not only does this community vote wrong, support wacky religious figures and practice outdated social customs - they can't throw a good party, either.

The trial continues another day or so. Can't wait to hear the punishment for blocking a street. If I grew up here, even I'd have a record.

Give me a year or two, we'll see what I can do.

Oh, and continue to pog mo thoin.