Get Off My Son

A little girl, two doors down, plays with my boys from time to time. She's six years old. Cute kid.

"They can't play today, sweetie" I said this past weekend. "It's a holiday and we're on our way back to Temple."

Bambi* looked up at me, blue eyes twinkling, blonde hair shiny in the sunlight.

Clearly confused.

"My mommy didn't tell me it's a holiday."

"Well, it's not a holiday for everyone, sweetie. Today is Yom Kippur. A Jewish holiday."

(long pause)

"Oh."

"Do you have any Jewish friends?" I asked.

"No..."

"Well, you do now. Isn't that cool?"

(long pause)

"You can always come over tomorrow."

"Tomorrow's Church Day," she said. "We go to church. We learn a lot in church."

"Fantastic," I said. "Let's try for Monday."

Figured we'd never see her again. But she came over yesterday and played for a while in the backyard with my kids and other children from the neighborhood.

Cooking dinner, I looked out the window and gazed lovingly at the playing children. Doing my best Donna Reed impersonation, I -

Ohmygod.

The little six year-old harlot is on top of my oldest son. As he wrestles away from her, she plants a wet one on his lips.

"Learn that in church?" I mumbled, making my way to the door.

"Okay, Shiksa," I called outside, "let's keep our hands to ourselves! No kissing until college!"

Bambi will be full of warts by 10th grade if she keeps this up. Goddamn born-agains.

Few minutes later, Bambi came into the kitchen and smiled. I smiled back. Like I said, cute kid.

"You know what my mommy told me?" she asked.

Husband and I looked at each other and back at the kid. Could hardly wait to hear this bit of Christian goodness.

"What?" I asked.

She put her hand over her mouth and shook her head.

"It's a secret," she said and bolted out the door.

Hmmmm...

I watched her try to hump the boy from across the street and wondered what her Mommy told her.

Big secret and all.

"Jews have horns," Husband said. "That's probably the big secret. I caught her looking at your hair."

"Oh, everyone does that. They're surprised it doesn't move when the wind blows."

I looked back out the window. A secret, huh? Bet she talks within two weeks.

I'll keep ya posted.