Tricks, Treats or The Black Plague. Your Choice.

Talked with dear friend Matthew* the other day. Went a little something like this:

"So the boys are getting ready for Halloween," I said. "Oldest is going as Anakin Skywalker. Youngest will be a Stormtrooper. Plus I got gloves, hats, and winter coats. So no one will be able to tell who they're supposed to be when the blizzard hits. Should be fun."

"I bet it'll be nice back here in Florida."

"Don't rub it in," I said. "So what's your little boy going to be for Halloween?"

"Anthony* is going to be a Crusader."

Long pause.

"A what? I didn't hear you right."

"A Crusader," he said.

"You're kidding."

"No."

I wait for the punchline. And wait. And wait.

"Why?" Matthew asked. "What's wrong with being a Crusader?"

I blink into the phone. Hold it up and inspect it.

I am talking to a crazy man.

I clear my throat and try to speak clearly.

"What's wrong with being a Crusader? You do realize I'm Jewish, right? And a *history teacher*? Right?"

Crazy Man laughs.

"Come on, Katie, it's not as if he's dressing up like a Nazi."

"This is no different than putting him in a Nazi uniform or Ku Klux Klan outfit. The Crusaders were just as bad, they're simply ancient history and therefore more remote. That's all."

"No way," he said. "It's not that bad."

"Look it up!"

"Anthony is adorable in his costume," Matthew said. "He's got the outfit, sword, and shield. I'll send you a picture."

"Tell you what," I said. "We'll fly back to Florida and you can have Anthony drag my sons around by their yarmulkes and then pretend to stab them with that adorable sword if they don't convert. Onlookers will throw Skittles and Holy Water. It'll be a hoot."

"They were all barbaric back then. It'd be no different if he wore a Gladiator outfit or went as Atilla the Hun."

"Those are the choices?" I asked. "What the f*ck happened to SpiderMan?"

I took a deep breath and went to my happy place.

"I shouldn't be surprised you are transforming a beautiful and innocent child into a mass murderer. You voted for Bush after all. Twice."

Can't you just hear the neighbors as they answer the door?

"Oh look, honey, the kids are here. We have Cinderella, Winnie the Pooh, and a handsome boy with a red hot poker up a Jewish kid's ass!"

The Inquisition's here and it's here to stay.

Oh well, live and let live, I suppose.


Adorable Soldier for Christ?

Or Homicidal Child with the Crazy Parents?

Again. Your choice.