Nothing But Inside Jokes Here. Move Along.

Out of all possible activities in which to participate when returning home in a few weeks, there is one thing I definitely WON’T do.

I will not visit Superior High School, that remarkable institution where I first learned to:

• Teach history effectively.


• Appreciate co-workers who hunt and cry and yell at their dogs.


• Define and pronounce jingoism.


• Get through meetings without laughing, especially when co-workers throw vibrating phones in my lap.

I will not even *drive by* those hallowed grounds. For several reasons.

My reasons don’t include a certain angry, bitter Language Arts teacher who passed around copies of my website in an attempt to get me fired. (Big ups, Lois!)

My reasons don’t include horny coaches who stare at my chest. (Big fan!)

And my reasons don’t include you. So get over yourself.

I won’t be visiting my old stomping ground because:

• Former colleagues don’t have time to urinate or blow their nose after hourly crying jags, much less visit and hug and list in alphabetical order all the ways they miss me.


• Alcohol isn’t allowed on campus. ‘Nuff said.


• When I invited Beth to a family gathering, she said she’d rather nap. And she’s serious. So f*ck her.


• Michelle* hasn’t lost a single kid all year. So there’s nothing to make fun of her about.


• Frank lost a ton of weight and if I hug him, I'm afraid I might actually feel his penis.


• Karen will be there. And she obviously no longer talks to Jesus on my behalf. So f*ck her, too.


• Chris, Mike, Steve, and Mark aren’t around to make fun of my hair and pale skin.


• Jimmy can't be bothered.


• Robin and I will still meet for happy hour. And talk about each one of you.


• Carol isn’t there to judge my life choices.


• Kristina and Barbara suck at keeping in touch.


• Despite shortcomings and obvious character flaws of all involved, I still might crawl under Sheila’s desk and refuse to leave.

So unless Brian promises to wear shorts and show off his legs, I’m afraid it’s in everyone’s best interest if I stay far away from the overworked, stressed and unfunny creatures you’ve become.

Goddamn Elia.