This 'N That

Had my first Snow Day this week. Even better? Kids didn’t.

Good times all the way around.

Being able to talk extensively on the phone without having to hang up because “Mom! He’s looking at me!” leads to some interesting conversations.

Me: I think Jennifer Love Hewitt looks great.


Blood Relative: She does look good. People are nuts. She just looks bigger than she used to.

Me: I think she looks like me. I have those hips. Most women do.

BR: You’re not that big.

Me: I don’t think she’s that big.

BR: You have a distorted body image. When I offered you a cookie the other day, you only took a piece.

Me: Yeah.

BR: A whole cookie isn’t going to kill you.

Me: I only wanted a taste.

BR: I’ve never seen you act that way before.

Me: What way? I only wanted a taste.

BR: You said, ‘I *can’t* have a whole cookie.’

Me: Right. Well. I meant I shouldn’t.

BR: I was just surprised, that’s all.

Me: My metabolism is slow. I can’t eat like I used to. And so I only took a taste. Christ. I’m fighting a certain biological destiny. And so I try to eat right.

BR: You need good fat in your diet. How are you getting good fat?

(I start to sweat.)

Me: I don’t know. Olive oil. Almonds.

BR: You look gaunt.

Who knew that asking for just a piece of cookie would elicit the kind of intervention Karen Carpenter needed?

Then I got on the phone with Becky.

For twenty-five years now, people have wondered why Becky and I are friends. We couldn’t be more different.

She’s blonde. I’m brunette.

Becky is bubbly, I’ve actually heard her giggle. I’m…not.

I like music. Becky likes Will Smith and John Mayer. And that b*tch who sings Orinoco Flow.

I read Newsweek. She reads catalogs.

We’ve never had the same taste in men, clothes, or television shows.

You understand where I’m going with this - we are polar opposites. But the following conversation illustrates why *we* work.

Beck: I have a problem with your holiday newsletter.

Me: Great. What did I do wrong now?

Beck: You hardly mentioned me. Your husband lived with me for over a year. You and the kids lived here at least a few months. I think I deserve more than just one line. Don’t you?

(long pause as I tap into the phone)

Me: Is this thing working? I mean, I usually get lectured when I *include* people in my writing –

Beck: When was the last time you got in trouble for teasing me?

(long pause while I try to remember)

Me: You know. It’s not like I don’t have plenty of material…If you want me to make fun of you more often, I can certainly do that.

Beck: That’s all I’m saying.

Me: And that’s why you’re my kind of girl.

(long pause while we bask in the light of a perfect friendship)

Me: Have I mentioned my theory about how I look like Jennifer Love Hewitt? And how I got shit from a family member because I only wanted to eat half a cookie?

Beck: I don’t want to hear your bullsh*t about half a cookie. I just ate half the contents of my refrigerator. You have a distorted body image. Oh and another thing…

Where are distracting kids when you need ‘em?