Year In Pee-Yoo: 2007
So many of you lucky bastards receive my annual wrap-up in the mail. The rest must read it here.
Enjoy.
Or not.
Completely up to you.
The time has come once more to look back over the following twelve months, sigh, and say, “Wow. That sucked.”
Come with me, won’t you? As I chronicle that which rocked and that which blew. Step by painful step.
December 2006: Oldest and Youngest played soccer and immediately needed a lecture on how, “While I’m young, jackass!” is not appropriate feedback for other six year olds. Someone nominated Katie to be Team Mother. Big mistake. She immediately banned sugar-coated snacks and outlawed verbalized, group prayer. Husband continued living in Becky’s house where temps were in the teens and adult cable didn’t work in the basement. For winter break, the children and Katie left a perfectly reasonable winter season in Florida to visit Husband in Colorado. Upside: met Sister’s new baby. Downside: frozen snot.
January: Husband sent us back to Florida and pretended to be sad about it. Oldest and Youngest turned seven. They lost their first teeth-
and finally fit in around Pasco County. The following weekend, Children flew with their grandparents back to Colorado to witness the new baby’s christening. Our kids still don’t understand how they turned out Jewish. Everyone enjoyed themselves – especially Katie, who was home alone in Florida. She spent the weekend dancing around the house and enjoying clean bathrooms.
February: New realtor announced that all the creatively colored rooms must be repainted a whiter shade of pale in order to sell the joint. Broke Katie’s heart to live in a bland house, but hoped the family would soon be reunited as a result. So someone else could read “Harry Potter” out loud, every single night, for a goddamn change. On President’s Day Weekend, Katie flew to Colorado Springs so she and Husband could rekindle the magic. They watched fifteen hours of television and slept for two days straight. So hot. Boys started piano lessons. Grandpa was lectured on how, “Only fruitcakes play piano” is not appropriate feedback for seven year olds.
March: Husband came home to Florida for a few weeks so Katie could get her breast reduction and tummy tuck in order to wear a bathing suit without causing eyeballs to bleed. Surgery went fine and Katie spent Spring Break trying not to sneeze.
After lying in bed for three weeks without being able to feel anything below the neck and forced to endure hours of reality television, she became addicted to YouTube and is still seeking professional help. Husband spent entire trip babysitting and attending to moans and groans. And sometimes he helped the boys, too.
April: Oldest and Youngest met Barack Obama and Youngest’s picture even turned up in Time Magazine. This is something to use against him if he ever decides to work for George Bush’s great-grandson in forty years. Some advice for people looking to go the surgical route: Tegaderms or steri-strips that cover your wounds will itch. The only real comfort will come in the form of localized massage. This is not something you can do in public without being brought up on charges, so grin and bear it. Or go into your office, draw the curtains, and play with yourself while moaning with relief. Co-workers *love* that. You won't feel like eating much. People will worry that you're wasting away. Especially Mom, who says she's seen better legs on Ethiopian children. When your appetite finally returns, you will eat three pieces of pizza in one sitting only to hear Dad say, "Keep eating like that and your tummy tuck will have been a huge waste of money."
And since nothing makes recovering from surgery better than catching strep throat, eat extra yogurt or something. The massive doses of antibiotics gave Katie something doctors called: C-Diff. Something our boys called: The Poops. Katie was rushed to the hospital, admitted, and dodged death by a few days. Husband caught making wish list with insurance money.
May: After Katie got out of the hospital, the house was sold to a couple who offered $140K less than it was worth. When Husband asks Katie how much she loves him, she now has a figure to relate. The boys finish first grade and earn a yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do. Anonymous stranger fires tennis balls at the house...
in retaliation for Katie’s op-eds in the Trib, the boys’ increasingly loud football games in the backyard, or Husband’s habit of washing cars in his underwear.
By the end of the month, we attended a few going away parties, packed our bags and took off for the wild, wild west. Minivans, ho!
June: Stopped in New Orleans. Not nearly depressing enough, we went to Oklahoma City to tour the memorial. Quite a vacation. Next stop, kids, the birthplace of tuberculosis! Arrived in Colorado and stayed with Becky while house hunting. Husband turned 39, but the wife and kids were too busy freezing their asses off to notice. Started house-hunting and tried to avoid areas near New Life Church, Focus on the Family, and neighborhoods with signs warning “Bears in the Area.”
July: After one interview, Katie got a teaching job. She got this job because the interviewers were impressed by her humor and positive attitude. And because no one looked her up on the Internet.
Moved into new house and met five neighbors – three of whom asked about our church group. Can’t wait until Chanukah.
August: Boys started second grade, thrilled to be in our own house with daddy’s pancakes on weekends instead of mommy’s organic oatmeal.
September: New elementary school scheduled Back to School Night on Rosh Hashanah. Katie informed the PTA and asked them to get their sh*t together by Sukkot. Nominated her to be Room Parent. Twice.
October: Katie flew to Pennsylvania to reconnect with family members and attend Aunt Marie’s funeral. Husband and the boys enjoyed chocolate ice cream in front of the television for three days. Husband and Katie celebrated 12 years of marriage and fell asleep in each other’s drool. The family attended a Democratic dinner and Katie wrote about it. The wrath of hell descended upon her - in the form of hate mail and nasty letters to the local editor. Feeling more like home every day.
November: Tired of corrupt literary agents, Katie put her story online at http://www.oliviaskiss.blogspot.com/ and is hoping a naked foot will attract readers. She turned 38 and tried to explain “middle-aged” to her children. Tried to explain it to Husband as well, but he fell asleep.
And started snoring.
4 Comments:
I just recently found your site and did not realize that you were from Pasco County. That's where I'm at now!
Hey, not a granny, you seem like my sister's kinda girl! Kate, check out her profile, I laughed out loud!!
You are an absolute hoot!
I enjoyed.
And laughed out loud...
Happy New Year!
:)
Thanks the posts this year. Looking forward to more in 2008
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