Speaking of Minutia

After arriving home yesterday afternoon, I listened to my incoming messages and heard an unfamiliar voice.

“Hi, this is Monica* over at Gloss – A Denim Bar. Please give me a call when you get in.”

For those who might not remember, I am suffering from Flat Ass Syndrome – a horrible condition that renders a perfectly acceptable ass flat when in a pair of jeans. Becky and I tried desperately to solve this dilemma recently and I wrote about it in “Booty Call.” This article was picked up and published in our local paper.

Since Gloss was the store we spent most of our time in that day, I figured they were calling to

1) thank me for the free press,
2) invite me back, and,
3) oh, I don’t know, maybe offer a huge discount as a reward for my wit and ability to turn a phrase.

Umm. Wrong.

“We don’t have $355 jeans,” Monica said when I called her back.

Okay. But the article wasn’t about *your store* so much as *my bum*. I thought it was funny…

“Besides,” Monica said, “we don’t just sell expensive jeans. We offer $60 jeans as well. And no one named Elizabeth* works here.”

“First of all, I sometimes put an asterisk and change names as a courtesy so that some people are not embarrassed by anything I write,” I said. “Secondly, I didn’t see a single pair of jeans in your store for under $150. No one brought me $60 jeans to try on. I can assure you.”

“I just don’t want people thinking our jeans are so costly. Our most expensive pair is $319.”

Long pause while I used my fingers and toes to do the math.

That’s right. Monica called me *at home* to complain that I misrepresented her prices by $36 and ask me to print a correction.

As if a person shopping for premium jeans would say, “$355 is a bit too much, but $319 fits my budget as perfectly as these jeans fit my ass. Ring ‘em up!”

She went on to say that I should come back, drink a glass of wine, and they’d find a perfect pair for me. I don’t have to “go undercover” and then write about it.

Go undercover…who am I? Geraldo?

“No worries,” Monica said close to thirty times. “This store is my baby and I don’t want the wrong facts getting out there.”

Both Becky and I could have sworn the price tag said $355 but does it really matter? Shouldn’t the store owners and workers be thrilled with any type of press out there that creates positive buzz about their product? It wasn’t a negative article.

It wasn’t embarrassing either. Not to them. I didn’t say the jeans were cheap and disgusting. I went the other way.

If I can live with a picture of my bottom half in saggy Gaps for the entire community to see, I don’t want to hear anyone b*tch and moan over a difference of $36.

“A friend of mine recently celebrated a birthday and her husband got her a $300 gift certificate to Gloss,” I told Monica.

Therefore, I doubt I’m hurting her baby’s bottom line.

But maybe I should go elsewhere to cover my cooch. Plenty of owners would love to see their store as a setting in a funny story in the paper.

“One quick question,” I asked. “How did you find me? My number isn’t listed.”

“Google,” she said.

Great.

People, just a tip: Unless you’re offering a store credit or compliment, don’t call me at home. Contact the editor for Christ’s sake. I’ve got dinner to make.