The Caucus is Coming to Colorado

I didn’t realize Colorado Springs had a ghetto until I drove to the Democratic Headquarters last night for Caucus Training. Oooh, run-down buildings and not an SUV in sight...scary.

Not like I expected valet parking or anything. Always keepin’ it real, Democrats are the party of the people.

After double-locking my vehicle, saying a few prayers, and running inside, I sat down to hear John Morris discuss the workings of a caucus. He did a fine job training us – and by “us” I mean “sadsacks guilted into volunteering as Precinct Chairs.” Against our better judgment and instead of watching TV Land reruns that night, we pledged to help run El Paso County’s version of Super Tuesday on February 5th.

I’m not quite sure how Caucus Day will turn out here in The Springs. I looked around at my fellow trainees who were supposed to leave the room as authorities and – oh good Lord. These people couldn’t grasp the workings of attendance-taking. How will they also complete the Delegate Math Work Sheet, with levels of arithmetic I haven’t seen since college, in the allotted time?

Our party expects an answer, goddamn it, by 9:30pm that evening.

Good luck. Good luck to all of us.

Not only are we going to have to work a calculator and take attendance, we will ask for donations (unlike Republicans we’ve never *charged* folks to participate in the process), beg for election judge volunteers, elect delegates, take preference polls for Senate and Presidential nominees, and, in what promises to be the biggest assache of the night, write down Resolutions to be presented to the Platform Committee.

Look, I’m all about grassroots activists. However, in addition to stinking up the room with essential oils and tofu breath, they do ramble on and I’ve got a life to lead. “Pipe down, Al, no one gives a shit about your broken street light” will be the mantra of the evening. Guaranteed.

I also plan on announcing: We must keep whereas out of the Resolution, folks. Like my Aunt Edna’s ass, whereas-es are unnecessary and take up too much room. Got me? No whereas-es, smartass-es, or dumbass-es.

I’m sure that comment alone will win friends. And votes. I am running for Precinct Chair, after all, and must be elected on Tuesday night before any other shit can go down.

I haven’t run for office since 1987 when I expected to be the first female president of Chamberlain High’s Thespian Society. Our sponsor, Ms. Nall, canceled the vote, thereby wrecking the democratic process, and chose Mieke Beck instead.

Because Mieke didn’t have a “compulsion to argue.”

So on Super Tuesday, it’s gonna be Hillary, Barack, and Me.

Your friendly neighborhood agitator.

Good luck. Good luck to all of us.