You Wanna Be a Republican?
I received this email yesterday, added a few naughty words, and made it my own.If you do, in fact, wish to swing right, you must believe that:
a. Jesus loves you, your Christian neighbors and solid profit margins. He hates the environment, Hillary, and homos.
b. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him and when Cheney did business with him. Saddam was a bad guy when Big Bush fought him and when Baby Bush needed a diversion from that whole “We Couldn’t Find bin Laden if He Was Shoved up Our Arse” thing.
c. Trade with Cuba is wrong because Cuba is a communist country. Trade with China and Vietnam is vital to both international harmony and buying cheap baby-killing toys at Wal-Mart.
d. The United States should get out of the United Nations - even though our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iran.
e. Women can't be trusted with decisions affecting their bodies, but multi-nationals can be trusted with decisions affecting mankind. Without parental approval or a 24-hour waiting period.
f. The best way to improve military morale is to praise our troops on television while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
g. If condoms are kept out of schools, teenagers won't have sex.
h. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
i. Global warming is junk science. Creationism should be taught in schools.
j. A president lying about a blow job is an impeachable offense, but a president lying 935 times to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is someone else’s fault.
k. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution. Which include praying in school, banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
l. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving and military records are none of our business.
m. Being a drug addict is a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then drug addiction is an illness and prayers are needed for *the patient* to fully recover.
n. Bill Clinton’s activities in the 1960s are of vital national interest. George Bush’s activities in the 1960s are irrelevant.
If a-n makes perfect sense - grab some scotch and bust a union - you're in.
And hopefully you'll be irrelevant for the next four years.
At least.
posted by kate @ 9:26 AM
9 comments
9 Comments:
If you're a Democrat, you must believe in the following:
The UN is there for fairness towards all nations, unless that nation is the Evil USA.
You denounce various government programs designed to anticipate and thwart terrorist attacks, yet when one happens, you blame the government for "not connecting the dots" or "doing enough"
If you don't get your way about a particular subject, you must threaten to move to Canada, but never actually follow through with it.
If you go to protests, you must block everyone from going about their daily lives so that you may yell your point of view as loudly as possible through a megaphone.
You must blame everything on George W. Bush
You will push your point of view on everyone else about global warming, yet you drive around in a VW bus that gets 20mpg and hasn't had a tune up since the Nixon administration.
You must support heavier taxes on the "rich". By "rich" we mean everyone who makes more then you do.
You must have a crush on Bill Clinton and point to his administration as "the good years when America was righteous about every subject known to man".
You must believe that Iran, Iraq, and North Korea are "just a bunch of innocent people minding their own business" and would never stoop to supporting Halliburton made up groups like Hamas, Hezbollah, or Al-Qaeda.
You must think that terrorism is something made up by Halliburton.
You must think that when Republicans are suspected of bribery, they need to be charged with the most serious crime and be executed for said crime. If it's a Democrat, they must be promoted because it's "all a conspiracy by the right wing".
You must believe Hillary when she said it was a "vast right wing conspiracy" when her husband was porking the chubby chick from the mail room.
You must believe that we never landed on the moon.
You must believe that the CIA is filled with assassination robots and the secrets of alien life forms.
You must believe that the 2000 and 2004 election was "rigged" but the 2006 election was "fair and balanced where America's voice was heard".
You must believe that no one in their right mind could possibly have a "Republican viewpoint" because all your friends are Democrats too.
You must believe that Universal Health Care is a right for everyone in America and that no tax increase should be necessary because "the government will take care of it".
You must believe that auto makers have magic cars that they've snuffed out over the years that get 1,000 mpg and sprinkle rose petals on sidewalks for children to play with.
You must believe that your 5th abortion will be your last.....really...you mean it this time.
You must believe that if Keith Olbermann said it, it simply must be true! He wouldn't nit pick facts and present them in a misleading way. That's something Republicans do.
Same for Michael Moore.
You must believe that Hollywood celebrities are experts in International Relations, Natural Disaster Cleanups, The Environment, Politics, and "What the government should do about it".
You must be star struck by Barack Obama and never question him about how he plans on running the country.
You must believe that whatever a country says about the USA must be true, but if the USA says something about a country it's "Republican lies".
You must be willing to give up a fight that you backed a few short years ago.
You must be willing to say you "support the troops" all the while you say and do as much as possible to ruin morale, undermine their leaders, insinuate they are the "real terrorists", and threaten to cut off funding for their equipment and training.
You must not let facts about Bill Clinton or any other Democratic superstar get in the way of undying devotion.
You must want taxes on the rich regardless of how much they pay as it is.
You must bob your heads to "Rage Against The Machine" music and say how you're "gonna make a difference when the revolution comes", but not actually get off your ass and do something....that's for squares man.
You must take threats against this country as "a conspiracy" because no one would ever threaten the sunshine and puppy dogs version of America.
You must say every single nasty thing you can think of about Republicans and when called to the carpet about it, scream "Freedom of Speech", yet be willing to denounce Republicans and tell them "you can't say that" when they return the favor.
You must promise the world in campaign promises during the elections when you're out of power, but when you're voted in, you must do the exact same things that you rallied against Republicans for.
You must never own a PC. Macintosh only...otherwise how are we to know when Steve Jobs is taking a dump?
You must mouth off to your boss at Starbucks but get angry when he fires your ass for insubordination.
You must have dreams of driving around in a Lamborghini like 50 cent does, but get angry when you find out that the Lamborghini people don't just give them away. They cost around $300,000 and you'll need a job to get one.
You must never pay for college on your own dime. Mom and Dad or the government's job is to pay for you to get high, do as little as possible, and "find yourself".
Speaking of "doing as little as possible", you must never want to better yourself in any way. That'd be "selling out".
Good Lord, this is too easy. :)
You must be in complete shock when you finally do move out of your mother's basement and get your own apartment. "You mean high speed internet and free food don't come with the place? This is BULLSHIT!"
You must take Nancy Pelosi, John Murtha, Sean Penn, Rosie O'Donnell, Ben Affleck, or Michael Moore's word as gospel, but never trust a word out of any Republican....even if he or she is just telling you what time the bus comes around...it could be a conspiracy to make you late.
You must shove affirmative action down the throats of everyone on the planet. Who cares if the best man for the job was white or Jewish? We got a black man now! I'm sure that taking in a lesser qualified black/Hispanic/green man for a fireman's job will be of great comfort when he can't carry you out of the burning building because he didn't pass the physical and you burn to death.
You must be willing to sue anyone with deep pockets, regardless of if they were at fault or not for your "injury".
You must play the race card even if race obviously had nothing to do with it.
You must be willing to inconvenience everyone else for your "cause", but not care enough to actually change your behavior.
You must believe that every gun owner is a maniac who only wants a fully automatic machine gun to kill deer. He couldn't possibly want it because it's a collectors item or it's just plain "cool".
You must believe that the Constitutional right to Free Speech should never be touched as it is sacred to the American people and protects your right to say whatever you want. The Second Amendment however is completely open to "interpretation" and can be practically eliminated without thought to your fellow American citizens thoughts or feelings.
You must believe that Gun Control is a valid argument and that criminals would never think to break the new law that was just established to purchase a gun.
You must believe that the government orchestrated the 9/11 attacks in one of the most precise military operation in the history of mankind without fault. But they are completely incompetent in every other area.
You must believe that Canada is doing everything right that America is doing wrong. But you're not willing to actually move there and apply for citizenship.
You must believe that illegal immigrants have never committed a crime, never took advantage of America's generosity, and that we should make them citizens automatically since they managed to cross a border when no one was looking. Also, you must never look into any other country's laws pertaining to citizenship as America would look favorable in that light.
You must believe in the "Zionist conspiracy" that controls everything. You say "Zionist" because if you used the word "Jew" you'd sound like Mel Gibson and we don't want people to be confused.
You must believe that people with conservative views are all in on the conspiracy.
You must believe that "cronies" are all that George W. Bush has used to fill various government positions. John Roberts was the night watchman at a Maytag warehouse before he became Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
You must believe that any hint of impropriety deserves protests against that person for life. But Ted Kennedy gets a slide for killing Mary Jo Kopechne. You know, it was a while ago, so stop hassling the guy!
You believe that every assassination in history was a conspiracy by one of the following groups/people: CIA, NSA, FBI, Chicago Mob, Aliens, George W. Bush, Richard Nixon, Military Industrial Complex, Halliburton, or Snap, Crackle, and Pop.
You believe that NASA should be shut down regardless of the insane amount of technology that comes of it's existence.
You must believe that the government should hand hold you and bail you out whenever bad things happen, but the minute they start "helping" you in any way you don't like, you scream "Big Brother!"
You must believe that you shouldn't be self sufficient because that would be "selling out".
You must complain about the government and the way it's handled, but you'd never consider running for office and you haven't voted since Back To The Future was still in the theaters.
You don't have a clue about economics, which is why you say "the government should pay for that", yet you fly into a rage when gas prices go up a dime.
You scream about the deficit, yet complain when wasteful government programs are cut to save money.
You view Jon Stewart as a serious news source.
You must pirate every movie, song, or software package out on the market today, but complain when these companies go after pirates. "They should just put out awesome stuff for free man".
You must worship Steve Jobs even though he has a reputation as a mean spirited boss who belittles his employees.
You must believe that Bill Gates is pure evil down the molecular level. You must photoshop him eating puppies and gulping it down with a cup full of children's blood.
You must believe that we should get off of foreign oil, but we can never drill anywhere new ever again.
You must think cars must magically get 100mpg, be able to survive a 200mph crash and walk away from it, and be less than $10,000. They must improve these statistics exponentially every year.
You must look down your nose at people who were born in this country or who immigrated to this country and love it for what it is.
You must hate country music with a passion. But if someone says your garage band's music sucks, you must immediately denounce them as they haven't "opened their mind to new things".
You must push for renewable energy, but still leave your Macintosh on at all times, drive around in a beat up car, and leave the lights on in your house all day long. You know, fluffy the kitten might want to read the paper by light coming from the lamp on your desk.
You must splatter or support the splattering of blood/guts/or worse items on people who wear fur coats or eat meat. Meat is murder after all and you're a vegetarian. Plants aren't living things.
And finally...
You must be outraged as lists like this one that points out blatant stereotypes, but be willing to do much worse against Republicans.
Democrats Rule! I mean, Democrats will rule!
Mmm, I love the smell of rabid partisanship in the morning. It smells like the decline of a country!
"You view Jon Stewart as a serious news source."
Interestingly, Anon, did you know there have been studies and the viewers of the Daily Show scored higher on questions about politics than non-viewers?
I need to post a link to the entry on my blog. Loved it.
I can rebut that post in six notes.
A s s b a g.
This now concludes my point by point rebuttal of Anonymous.
"You must be outraged as lists like this one that points out blatant stereotypes, but be willing to do much worse against Republicans."
Ouch! That hurt.
The same could be said for both sides, whether the last word in the above quote is Democrats or Republicans.
I agree that what's good for the goose is good for the gander and if you're going to dish it out you better be ready to take it. Both lists hold some truth and both lists hold some stereotypes. Only if you look at one and conclude, because of your own personal political leanings, that only one is correct and the other is not, then you're only demonstrating just how close-minded you are to anything that doesn't fit into your little box.
MDS
"You scream about the deficit, yet complain when wasteful government programs are cut to save money."
Weren't we in a surplus when Friend Bill was in office and didn't he start AmeriCorps?
Quakerjono could probably be a heckuva lot more eloquent and bust out some kick ass statistics, but I think I've made a small point (insert penis joke here).
Wow! Bush lied about the war 935 times but none of the Democrats, who BTW are the majority party in Congress, can get their act together enough to go forward with impeachment on even one of them?
If that's the case you fuckheads are beyond just being incompetent.
The mail room comment was funny. It was a quality rant (oh, the boy still aint right in the gourd, but it was funny)
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