An Assignment

A local paper asked me to write a few words for each of the three major candidates, as if they were being sworn in as President on Inauguration Day.

This is what I sent them:

John McCain: "They said the nation wouldn't support an old man out of touch with reality. They said people would reject my plan to spend 100 more years in Iraq and eventually invade the rest of the world. They wrote me off when I chose Dick Cheney as my running mate, saying it showed an unwillingness to break with the Bush administration. But we showed them, didn't we, Dicky? Four more years!"

Hillary Clinton:"I did not get here on my own. Pioneers such as Jannette Rankin, the first woman elected to Congress, and Hattie Carraway, the first woman elected to the Senate, paved the way. Heck, even Nancy Pelosi played a part. Our victory is the result of their hard work and sacrifice. Of course, they never had to campaign with an opinionated man who can't keep his hands to himself, but enough about James Carville. Maybe I do deserve some credit."

President Barack Obama: "Today we begin to move our country forward. All over this nation, people have been crying out for change. We must come together to build a better tomorrow. But first things first. Jesse, Al, Clarence, where you at? Let's get fabulous up in this piece."

The editor thought the last part was racist ("Ummm, I made it clear that he should be President. How is that racist?") but anyway, I rewrote it and to my surprise they published it yesterday.

Barack Obama: "All over this nation, people have made a choice between today and yesterday; with great hope and enthusiasm they have chosen the future over the past. To that end, it is my hope that in the future Dick Cheney takes George Bush on a few hunting trips and that Ted Kennedy drives them. Vice President Clinton, you feelin' me?"