Speaking of Selfish People
I have a friend, no, a very dear friend who started having job problems over a month ago. Around that time, he distanced himself. You could see it in his eyes - he wasn't really there or present in the moment.
Then he lost his job.
And I haven't heard from him since.
I have reached out several times and expressed my support. He barely acknowledges it.
What the hell is wrong with men? So filled with testosterone that they allow themselves to drown in a mixture of manly pride and fear. Not just men either. I once had a friend who fought a particular nasty form of muscular dystrophy. She pushed everyone away. I haven't spoken to her in over twelve years.
Lots of people are facing tough times these days. Why can't we all get through it together?
Everyone who knows me, knows that I don't give a poop about someone's title in life. I'm not that shallow. I couldn't care less if a person throws dairy at Publix or runs a state agency as long as he or she is a good person and laughs at my jokes.
I try to understand the idiosyncrasies of a grown man who voted for Bush - twice. But it ain't easy. In this time period, I have been going through some sh*t of my own and it would be nice to hear one word of support. Maybe two.
I've heard nothing.
It's become remarkably easy for me to write people off who are so busy wallowing in their own nonsense that they've forgotten to show an ounce of concern for anyone else. This just adds one more to the list.
I mean, really. If you want shallow, I'll show you shallow.
posted by kate @ 7:57 AM
14 comments
14 Comments:
People. What are you gonna do?
You know, I've been open about problems int he past -- some have come back and nipped me int eh bud when I went outward in tryign to get support. Other times, I've confided problems and have been given a talking-to of the insincere sort about the fact I am "playing the victim" or that I must "expect me to do something about it."
So instead of opening up a can of worms to good friends, I am aloof soemtimes. Partly because I don't want to get them down, partly because of the negative reactions in the past.
A LOT of people are facing problems right nwo, you are correct madame, and it would be wiser for us to band together.
Speaking of which, I think I ought to drop Lisa C. a line of support. I haven't spoken to her in a few weeks
Many people (often men, but by no means always men) are so identified with what they do for a living that to lose that role is to come near to death. Feeling dead or identity-less can produce depression in some people. Go figure. Depressed people tend to isolate themselves.
Telling severely depressed jobless people that their value system is whacky and that to help others is a way to feel better is a lot like telling someone with two broken legs that jogging increases bone density. While absolutely true, it is wasted breath. I identify with your frustration totally, though.
And ... Kate, sometimes dudes do thing differently than women ... like, when I'm in pain, I just want to sit. by myself. Doesn't mean I'm not someday going to appreciate all the care of others, but sometimes ... just let me sit.
This happened in a race in February, I was in real pain, pretty much mentally and physically shot, and you know the distances I run ... so I sat. And put my head in my hands.
And sat.
And someone tried to come and support me. I wasn't, say, my best at being nice.
Bottom line, I didn't want anyone near me. I recovered. finished.
But I really think men sometimes deal with things differently in all walks. We don't not appreciate you, but really, sometimes, we want to sit. Alone.
And later, we'll be all smiles and we really did appreciate it. Later.
Maybe this person needs alone time. Otherwise, there wouldn't be country songs.
Chase is right. "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" is cheesy and written for too broad an audience to be particularly entertaining. Yeah, I know. This is gender stereotyping and it isn't always true. The book is, nonetheless, not too bad an explanation of the ways that men and women, generally, are socialized to handle their problems differently. And you can read it in, like, three hours.
I remember my daughter, Caroline, complaining about her middle school rival: the putdowns, the boy-poaching, the cheerleading competition. After starting to try to "fix" her problems, it occurred to me that she didn't want me to fix anything, just listen. I'd've wanted to be left alone, but I'm a dude. I bit my tongue, actively listened, and in the end, told her I though Stephanie had skinny legs and a big nose. Caroline brightened and gave me a hug.
...and I know you're not a shellfish person. Dietary laws, and all. What? Oh, never mind.
Chase is right. And I'm fine with solitude. I need it myself when upset.
However! Even while in the midst of your own drama, you could take TWO GODDAMN SECONDS to call or write a quick email saying:
"How's that potentially dangerous blood disease going?"
"I'm thinking of you. How's everything?"
"New job okay?"
"You're on your own again. Everything cool?"
or how about
"I'm sorry you had a death in the family."
TWO GODDAMN SECONDS to send it or call. If you care.
If. You. Care.
And if you don't, you don't.
Sounds like I didn't know all the details involved here ... dudes are different, but sometimes we're just dumbasses.
You don't know who your friends are until you're going through the shit. So maybe he's not a "very dear friend" like you thought. Or maybe there might be something else going on his life that he hasn't told you. I don't know but I know how I am.
Kate, now you know who your real friends are.
And it is not the ones you thought ! Don't let it get you down. It is their loss.
And Chase, it is not usually just men, either.
So you want to hear from people so they can ask you how you are doing? How you are handling your own crisis. Sounds like you are the one who is in need. Which is fine, as long as you are not swimming in Eqypt.
Swimming in Egypt? Hmmm. Let's see: I'm in de Mediterranian Sea? No. I'm in de Red (or Reed) Sea? No. Nope. Drawing a blank, here.
Oh Jasper don't be a douche. When I talk to someone over several weeks to express my concern and support, it'd be nice to have some in return.
I'm heartbroken that I haven't received love and support when I needed it most.
It's not that hard to understand.
Kate, you seem like a person who has it together most of the time. Maybe with all of his problems, he doesn't see the extent of what you are going through. Have you talked to him about what problems you are having now? He may just be so wrapped up in his own problems he doesn't realize others have struggles also.
But..you know him....I don't....it's just a thought.
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