Had to be Said - An Argument For Thinking Liberals to Vote Republican

My cousin wrote a rant. Not the one who appeared on The Today Show with a man purse. Another one.

I've got *a lot* of cousins.

For the record, this one is a veteran and a nice guy. He's been educated in an Ivy League school and eats Kashi cereal. But I've heard him engage in burping contests as a kid so he's got that going for him. Plus he's related to me. We used to watch The Gong Show and listen to Howard Jones late at night back in the mid-Eighties.

Anyway, Homeboy's pissed and wrote himself a gem.

Some highlights:

The Iraq War is certainly a deep dividing line between the Right and the Left, but barely a fraction of our society is involved in the war and most have no real understanding of the sacrifice of those who are fighting it. The divide this time is cultural, and this is an attempt to spell it out in real terms that are impossible for public figures to express.

By the way, I speak for every educated liberal when I write this so don’t let them tell you any differently. First and foremost we divide the Rep party into two groups: dare I say the “elites” that run it, who are wealthy and educated, and the rambling, smelly masses.

We comprehend and actually admire the way your party leaders are able to use hot-button issues like abortion, stem cells, and gun shows to mesmerize the retards and get them to do their bidding – if only we could do the same, we lament, as we break down in the shower and cry to ourselves after yet another stunning defeat at the polls.

We find your absolute faith in the literal translation (and literal is the key word here) of the Bible baffling and, ultimately, disheartening, in that it precludes you from objectively evaluating science and subjugates another generation of our nation’s children to forced lobotomization. We mock your failure to recognize human instincts and give up your drive for abstinence-only sex education and find your lack of support for birth control immoral and dangerous, especially in places like Africa.

We believe that your endless rants about higher taxes and Dem “welfare state” comments highlight both your hypocrisy (for the educated) and your retardedness (for the peasants). Most of these rants come from parasite states that are net receivers of Federal aid that pours out of the blue states like CA and New York (gasp!), New Jersey, and other liberal enclaves. Excuse us if we stare in disbelief while some leech in Mississippi is taking my money to buy stop signs and school text books while regurgitating some nonsense about big government.

If you pick elite athletes to represent the US in the Olympics, and we comb the Ivy Leagues for our next business CEOs, why do we want to send squarely average people to lead the US and the free world? Do you pick average mechanics and doctors? WTF is wrong with you?

We are embarrassed of the possibility of these rednecks going overseas and meeting with Sarkozy or some other multi-lingual, cosmopolitan leader.

You are dumbfounded that we still read Marx and think that Che Guevara had some real good ideas.

You find our moral and cultural relativism abhorrent and anathema to Winthrop’s idea of our nation as a “shining city on a hill.” You hate me because I use the words “abhorrent” and “anathema,” and because I know who Winthrop is.

After eight years of nonsense and lies and abysmal approval ratings for the incumbent, if we can’t capture the White House then we ought to throw in the towel. At that point I will join educated Reps with a wink and a nod at the door of the secret club and join in the fleecing of white trash America.

Don’t want to pay taxes? Fine, don’t. I will send my kids to private school while your public ones crumble around you.

Fuel prices are high and progressive Dem solutions for fixing it will take time and be painful, but the Rep option of “drill, baby, drill” just delays the pain while simultaneously filling their pockets and the pockets of their friends with more profits. It won’t help you. But have higher gas prices changed my habits? No. I couldn’t care less, really. It doesn’t cost much to power my 4-cylinder car or heat my small apartment. You just lost 40% of the value of your stupid SUV in less than a month and are taking a Stay-cation this year. More like a Gay-cation. I went to Europe. Seriously. But hey, at least your VP believes in creationism and infuses her military strategies with messianic visions of righteousness. That should feed and clothe your family.

Maybe it is time I start following my own advice, and vote my interests.

Are you clapping? I am.