With Every Goodbye You Learn

When chaos swirls around me, or inside my little head, I often try to make some sense of it. The Days of Awe are upon us and that means even more introspection. I think and ponder and then apply whatever changes need to be made. Drama isn't fun and change can bring with it knowledge, wisdom, and peace.

Sometimes change comes quickly, other times it takes awhile. For example, cutting out two or three soul-sucking family members took me almost twenty years. Leaving that western world where free thought goes to die? Ten months.

Applying needed change usually happens between these two time extremes.

Let's go back to those excommunicated family members, shall we? I'm notoriously bad at ending relationships. It doesn't feel good to say goodbye. People evolve and grow and we don't know for sure that there isn't room for whoever they may become down the road. However. Within the past year, I decided that a few relatives were not good for me and my children. Since then, enormous burdens have been lifted and freedom never felt so good. I no longer have to be around people who don't approve of or appreciate me. I will never again go back to obligatory *anything*.

So I'm thinking - why stop there?

Why not close the door on anyone who is either a negative life force or who leaves me feeling yucky?

I know. You're probably thinking - you have shitty friends? Three or four. And I'm as surprised as you are.

I'm not perfect. I come across as opinionated, talkative, and my personality is jarring. Especially for those who don't have one of their own. I'd rather spend my time with people who consider such traits charming rather than challenging.

I talked to Becky the other day about friends who don't put forth much effort. They will lose touch for weeks, sometimes months at a time, and then get back in with minimal effort. I'm right where they left me. Accessible. Convenient. With few if any judgments.

Becky thinks it's a compliment in a way. They can straighten out their lives without worrying about me and whether or not I'll be there for them.

Meanwhile, what about my needs? Those are of no concern, really.

Well f*ck that.

Most people know I'm back in town, working hard, and by myself most of the time. Those with hearts of gold have offered sincere support. So why not just focus on them? Why do I reach out to people who don't offer me the same in return?

Therefore, when I get those insincere texts, IMs, or voicemails - "How have you been?" "Sorry I've been out of touch." and "You awake?" - I'm ignoring them. And the people who left them will slowly fade into the background. We won't discuss the end of our relationship. It will just be over.

Because they won't put forth the energy required to find out why.

I won't change my number or erase people from my online rolodex. I'm not running away. Just letting go.

You're probably thinking they'll read about it here and understand what's happening. No they won't. Checking in, reading my site, reaching out - all that smacks of effort. It shows a concern that doesn't exist.

If there's one thing I know, it's the limitations of the people in my life.

Reminds me of a poem I had to interpret in high school. I dig the part about decorating our own souls. I liked it then, but it makes even more sense now. (I've always been ahead of my time.)

Maybe Rosh Hashanah isn't about endings, but a renewed appreciation for people who value me enough to stay engaged is the best gift I can give. You may see it as a sunset. But I see the sun rising. Higher and higher each day.

Happy New Year, peeps.