Living with My Parents

It presents certain challenges. Dad's a grump and Mom never met a catalog, children's artwork, or lottery ticket she didn't want to keep "just in case."

The benefits of living here are abundant. I'm saving a ton of money, my mother cooks the most delicious meals and she enjoys hanging out with my children.

The best though are their conversations. These conversations usually take place while the washing machine, dishwasher and surround sound are kickin' all at the same time.

The other night, Mom and Dad were hammering and drilling together a wooden table that will hold the All-White, All-Christian, All-the-Time Christmas Village. Dad, squatted, tried to maneuver himself underneath and got stuck. He looked like Jabba the Hut. Then he got pissed.

Mom: Don't point that drill at me. It makes me uncomfortable.
Dad: You don't know uncomfortable. I can't sit this way much longer. Pass me my beer.
Mom: Where did I put my wine?
Dad: Your second glass of wine.
Mom: Your second beer!

Dinnertime is always a load of laughs. Check it.

Dad: You asked me if I wanted a meatball sandwich and I thought it was gonna be on a hoagie. This is a damn hotdog bun!
Mom: I toasted it up real nice for you.
Dad: Can you get me a fork? Christ. It's fallin' apart.
Mom: How about 'Thank you, Noreen. This sure is tasty.' That's what our friend Alan* says to his wife even if what he's eatin' is shit.
Dad: Jeez, darlin'. Two cosmopolitans in you and this is what happens.
Mom: Those two were just what the doctor ordered.
Dad: How about that fork?
(Mom dances around the kitchen and ignores him.)

Mom and Dad saw Neil Diamond in concert a few weeks ago. Woke up the next day and put on their Neil Diamond DVD to relive the magic. Volume was 57 out of 60.

Dad: Is he married?
Mom: Huh?
Dad: IS HE MARRIED?
Mom: Oh! Catherine said he's married to some young chick.
Dad: Huh?
Mom: YES HE IS.
Dad: Oh. Yeah. That's what I thought.
Mom: That woman doesn't sing as well as Barbra Streisand.
Dad:Huh?
(Mom gets up and dances. My kids complain they can't read their books with all the goddamn noise. I wonder if it's too early to start drinking.)

Then there's this from the other day...

Mom: I got shrimp on sale at Publix today.
Dad: Huh?
Mom: I got shrimp on sale at Publix today!
(Dad shakes his head, all disgusted.)
Dad: I don't know why in the hell you'd buy a shirt at Publix. They mark it up to high hell and the quality is for shit...
(Mom laughs and pours herself another glass of wine.)

If you can't beat 'em...