2008 – The Year in Pee Yoo

Is anyone really sorry to see 2008 bite the dust? Filled with great joys and sorrows, this year blasted our conscience and bowels. What’s up with ABC canceling Boston Legal? Let’s review the last twelve months that took us from Colorado to Florida, and how it affected your favorite family of freak shows.

December – Oldest and Youngest star in a Christmas play at their school in Colorado Springs. Nana and Grandpa brave airline prices and frozen snot to attend. Husband observes that the play is not *exactly* Broadway because the actors pick their noses, the "theatre" looks like "the gym" and the children in attendance a) scream, b) sing louder than the performers, and c) pass gas that would choke a cow. Catherine gets drunk for the first time in ten years at Becky and David’s Holiday Party. Husband likes her better that way. Catherine endures uncomfortable silences with evangelicals at work when she wears shirt that says, “Oy to the World.”

January – Catherine and Husband celebrate New Year with Aaron and Melissa by playing Scruples. No other board game helps you learn about your friends, how long it took for them to have sex, and their thoughts regarding stale bread in a restaurant. It helps to drink two bottles of wine and some champagne. Best New Year since Becky and Catherine rang in ’84 with wine coolers and Don Henley songs. Oldest and Youngest turn 8 and the Patriots lose the Superbowl. Youngest decides he hates New York more than Colorado classmates. Catherine starts her own business - Durkin Writers Group – trying to craft articles and speeches without sarcasm or curse words.

February – The boys take hockey lessons so they’ll fit in with toothless neighbors. Catherine caucuses for Obama and becomes a vegan – uncomfortable silences at work get longer. She drags Husband and the boys through South Dakota and Wyoming to see Crazy Horse, Mount Rushmore, and Devil’s Tower. Driving in a snowstorm isn’t as much fun as it sounds. They pass one other vehicle during the thousand mile trip. "Did you see the driver smile at us?" I asked. "Yeah," Husband said. "He's thinking, 'Jews in a can. Yummy.’”

March – Snow days bring fun conversations with kids about the Holocaust and sex.

Me: What did you learn about in Hebrew School yesterday? Oldest: A lot. We learned about concentration camps. Me: Oh? What about them? Oldest: They put Jewish people in camps. We also learned about Anne Frank. Me: What about her? Oldest: She had very special diarrhea. (long pause) Me: I did not know that. Oldest: She wrote about her life in a concentration camp. Me: Oh. She wrote about that in a *diary* sweetie. Not diarrhea.

Youngest: What does s-e-x mean? Me (reaching for wine): I'm sorry, sweetie, what are you asking? Youngest: Colin at school was talking about s-e-x. What does it mean? Me: Sex is how mommies and daddies make babies. (Eight year-olds get the less is more, conservative version. Condoms and foreplay are another talk for another time.) Youngest: How do mommies and daddies make babies? (Oldest walks over to our part of the living room. Reading his mind is easy: Forget Sports Illustrated, what's Mom and Youngest talking about? After introducing terms like fallopian tubes and parenting after graduate school, I pray the conversation is over.) Me: Sex is okay to talk about here at home with mommy and daddy, but let's not go around discussing this with others. Let the other kids' parents decide when to tell them, okay? Youngest: Yeah, cause Colin still believes in Santa. Let him wait until graduate school to find out what his penis does. (I've seen Colin. He'll be in his forties before he finds out what his penis does. But that's another talk for another time.)

April – Catherine learns how to write without offending anyone and Durkin Writers Group finally gets paying clients. Husband loses bet with Nana. It snows in Colorado and Catherine takes the boys to Tampa for Spring Break. Upon their return, drama ensues. Oldest and Youngest’s principal blames said drama on Oldest’s swagger and Youngest’s confidence. Tells them to dial it down. Catherine starts memoir about teaching in Tampa because therapy is too expensive. Husband coaches flag football team and wonders if the temperature will ever go above 40.

May – Catherine’s up for her first review in Colorado school system. Confident it'll be positive and professional, she doesn’t worry. They say she’s knowledgeable and passionate. Strong work ethic. So far so good. Then they complain she’s not empathetic or compassionate or Christian enough. Plus she wears colorful sweaters. Then a snowstorm hits. The Robinsons decide the Robinsons belong in Florida – Catherine wishing she’d never told the state to “Kiss off.”

June – Family travels to Yellowstone and The Grand Tetons because the Robinsons love nature and wild animals from the safety of an automobile that does 0 to 60 in three seconds.

Husband turns 40 and wonders why he can’t see past his elbow. Nana flies out to Colorado and drives back home with Catherine and kids in tow. Hits Memphis for family fun where they learn about alcoholic musicians, Dr. King’s assassination and lynching. ‘Cause theme parks are for pussies. Get back to Tampa and Grandpa wonders when empty nest syndrome will become a reality instead of a dream.

July – Catherine starts a new job training teachers and Husband returns to regular commuting between Colorado and Florida. He pretends to miss the arguments over tofu. They put the house up for sale in Colorado just as housing market reaches all-time low - continuing their streak of lucrative financial planning.

August – Boys start 3rd grade at a private Jewish school where they won’t get into trouble for answering questions correctly. At home in Lutz, a good old-fashioned ass whipping was bound to happen. Next door neighbors step to the boys and Oldest tries to run inside. Husband pokes his head out the side door and says, "Defend yourself, son." Another moment later, Youngest sneaks away as well. "Don't leave your brother's side," Husband tells him at the front door. "They're trying to get out of it," I say. "Nonviolent resistance." "Not on my watch," Husband and Grandpa mumble. My boys ball up their fists and start swinging. The fistfight ends in a matter of seconds. The neighbor’s kids run home crying and vowing revenge. The boys are shook up and teary-eyed, but triumphant nonetheless. The next day, all four boys are the pool while Husband fires up the grill and Grandpa tends to the lawn. Catherine grabs a beer. When in Lutz, after all...

September – Catherine wears shorts and t-shirts and takes her boys to Little League. When officials ask for parents to play a quarter or inning or whatever the hell it's called, Catherine actually grabs a bat, hits the ball, and runs the bases. Correctly. She calls women "gals", drinks cherry wine and doesn’t complain about the heat or bugs or Grandpa anymore. She. Talks. To. People. Aunt Mimi comes to town and hardly recognizes her. Buys her a pair of True Religion jeans and encourages her to “sip” her cocktails.

October – Husband and Catherine celebrate 13 years of marriage, 20 years of couplehood and fall asleep watching Boston Legal. Catherine finishes her memoir and retains legal counsel and a bodyguard. Just in case. Nana continues cooking for everyone, Catherine is so happy she vows never to leave. Grandpa takes up hard drugs and blames it on his sinuses.

November –Catherine reconnects with Julie, one of her closest lifelong friends, as well as future stalkers on Facebook. The boys get high honor roll and Husband is home often enough to steal Grandpa’s coffee and remaining good moods. Obama gets elected. Catherine turns 39 – ready to rock and roll for her last year as a thirty-something.

Here’s to 2009. Vegas anyone?