Family Quotes I'm Allowed to Share

Some people complain about family. They write somber novels, produce trite movies, and drink themselves silly in some vain attempt to forget their roots and erase from memory about a trillion bad experiences.

Poor bastards.

Clearly they’ve never partied with the Durkin clan of northeastern Pennsylvania, where the good always outweighs the bad. There are different last names – Finans and O’Malleys, to name a few – but I’m including all of them under the Durkin umbrella. ‘Cause I’m a big-tent kind of girl.

My family is large, strange, crazy, complex, loving, and utterly spectacular. A cousin got married a few months ago and so his parents, my aunt and uncle, threw a party for them this past weekend. Thanks to lower gas prices and a relocation to Florida, the Robinsons were able to attend. We spent some time with my brother and his lovely wife in Philadelphia and then proceeded to Scranton for the reception.

Whenever you get a largely Irish Catholic bunch and mix in Jews, Muslims, agnostics, three Protestants, at least two Italians, some Poles, and alcohol – somebody’s gonna say something weird, funny, or both.

Here is a sample of what I heard over the past few days.

“I have the same reaction when reading her profile on Facebook that I have when eating a grapefruit.”

“Uncle Joe is in his element.”

“Your two children just offered to buy everyone in the bar a shot of whiskey with the money I gave them for Chanukah.”

“How’s DC? Wall-to-wall douchebags.”

“You’re a lot prettier and nicer than you used to be.”

“Mommy, some woman at the bar gave me her email address and said to contact her in about ten years.”

“Your husband is in his element.”

“I hate getting poked or pushed on Facebook. And why is someone always trying to get me to read Out in Left Field?”

“I liked your newsletter this year. My granddaughter isn’t learning enough curse words at school, now I have to keep her away from the Christmas cards.”

"Growing up, I spent a lot of time with the Jews. I'm probably the only Roman Catholic Jew you'll ever meet."

"Your kids make me feel like a super star."

"You don't have to hold in your tummy at all. I just heard three people say they're willing to give the vegan thing a try."

"No one told me sparkled tops weren’t in style anymore.”

“Do you see what I’m dealing with?”

"I'm not used to mingling with family while sober. Maybe I should hang out with your husband. He's been doing this for twenty years."

“Two doctors once told me that I wouldn’t live to see my fortieth birthday. That was twenty years ago. Meanwhile I’m fine. And those doctors? May they rest in peace.”

“I am not in my element.”

“The couple’s first dance is Afternoon Delight? He's got to be related to you.”

“Look at you, Catherine, in that little tiny dress, dancing up a storm. Confidence is no longer an issue, huh?”

"I know all the stories and haven't blogged a thing. Don't look so surprised."

That last comment was me.

I told you. The good always outweighs the bad. Another cousin is getting married next October.

I can hardly wait.