It Hurts To Grow Up

Thursday was a monumental day of great importance in our house. Milestones were achieved and years of hard work finally paid off.

My children graduated from preschool.

That’s right, all you hard-hearted cynics out there. My babies are boys now and I’m going to soak in the warm tub of nostalgia for a moment. Indulge me. They might be growing up, but I am comforted to know they still need hugs, kisses, and rocking chair moments.

What kind of little boys are they turning out to be? I thought you’d never ask.

My oldest is kind and sweet. He sticks up for his brother and tells bossy friends to “Step off”. He likes sports (“Let’s go DEBIL WAYS!”), Beastie Boys, and vanilla ice cream. He loves root-beer floats during sleepovers at Nana/Grandpa’s house. When I suggest something he likes, he says, “You’re the best mommy I ever met.” This bundle of sunshine greets his daddy with a rowdy, “Hey buuuudddddyyyyy!” every night, always excited to see him. Jafar from Aladdin and Cruella from 101 Dalmatians produce nightmares so he insists the bathroom light stays on indefinitely. The kid can dance, too. He’ll boogie-woogie his little heart out all while side-peeping to make sure everyone's watching.

My youngest is bold and daring. (“Mommy, when I’m a pilot I’ll take you wherever you want!”) He loves to snuggle on Saturday mornings and whisper, “I’m never going to leave this family.” He likes Spiderman, sports in the backyard, and chocolate ice cream. It’s almost always his way or the highway. Nana/Grandpa sleepovers while watching movies and eating “cheesy poops” is his favorite way to spend a Saturday night. This boy is also a talker, recounting every experience, dream, and emotion – he’ll even tell us when he “made a bad choice” at school. (“But you still love me, right?”) He also likes to sing Reading Rainbow and Postcards from Buster theme songs loud enough so they could hear in Guam.

Yes, they are about to leave the comforting arms of a private, Jewish preschool to enter a rowdy, secular public elementary school. We’ve all heard horror stories this year about Florida schools: abduction attempts, school bus deaths, and one kid who ran away from school and got hit by a car. It’s enough to make a mom crazy.

I’ll drive them to school so the bus problem is solved. I don’t want either of them to be THAT KID – he who makes faces at passing cars, picks his nose and flicks it at others while motorists shake their heads and mumble about overpopulation. No yellow traveling zoos for my children. Thanks, though. As far as lurking strangers or leaving school grounds unaccompanied, I have a solution: How about I attend elementary school with them? They'll be safe, act appropriately, and eat only healthy and organic food. What’s wrong with that?

I know, I know. This is the beginning of the “letting go” process.

Well, I’m not promising anything of the sort. We have two months of summer vacation left where hand holding is still the preferable method of crossing a parking lot and kisses still make boo-boos feel better. Two more precious months before they enter a world of booger and processed food–eating gentiles who will, undoubtedly, ask them silly questions about yarmulkes and life in a Santa-free zone. Two more precious months before they come home with requests to hang glide because BLAINE’S mother lets him do it.

Two more months before they take yet another step away from me.

Thursday was a monumental day of great importance in our house. And it just about broke my heart.

To Remember Them

What is Memorial Day all about? For most people, Monday is just another day off. It’s an occasion to sleep late, relax at the beach, or enjoy potato salad at family barbeques.

Several years ago, my family started a new tradition of observing certain holidays by honoring the reasons they became holidays in the first place. On the Fourth of July, for example, we take turns reading the Declaration of Independence. Charities devoted to former soldiers need help on Veteran’s Day and urban renewal projects look for volunteers on Martin Luther King Day. On Labor Day, we watch Grapes of Wrath. See the pattern? We acknowledge the meaning behind days off, teach our children some history, and serve our community at the same time. Everyone wins.

Memorial Day is an annual opportunity to pay tribute to those who have died for our country. There are many ways to demonstrate our appreciation and remembering them is the least we can do. Grateful Americans attend services at military cemeteries and wear red poppies to show they haven’t forgotten the fallen. Flags are proudly displayed, Taps is played, speeches made, and graves visited.

Early in this new “family tradition”, I remember looking around a tranquil Bay Pines National Cemetery in St. Petersburg during its Memorial Day ceremony and feeling embarrassed at all the empty seats. After the terrorist attacks on 9/11, attendance rose sharply and finding parking spaces became more difficult. Seats continue to fill as Afghanistan and Iraq remind us of sacrifices our soldiers continue to make on a daily basis. Yet, I will be saddened Monday morning that more people aren’t in attendance when I sit down and pin poppies on my children’s shirts. Is an hour too much to give to those who have given everything for our country, for us?

When people ask about my plans this weekend, I will measure my words and try not to sound sanctimonious. I will appeal to their sense of patriotism, especially in this day and age, and invite them to make the drive to St. Petersburg or any locally organized observances. There are many to choose from and a beautiful morning is expected. It’s also one of those rare moments when we can all come together, put aside our differences, and say thank you to millions of sons and daughters who have paid the ultimate price for our liberty and freedom.

I will also tell them it only lasts a short while, leaving plenty of time to head back to the beach, barbeque or bed. Then I will ask them again to please, join us.

Idiots Rule Vol. I

This is too good to pass up. Rightwing Christians at their MOST hypocritical. How often does that happen? Okay, a lot. Here's the gig: A young student attending St. Jude Educational Institute gets pregnant. She's not married and decides against having an abortion. Praise the Lord. Her reward? Besides an eternity in God's Kingdom, she can no longer attend classes and won't be called at graduation. Peace be with you. And also with you. The bonus? The male student who knocked her up got to walk across the stage. Catch the whole story here. Then go throw up.

Random Thoughts

Bust Me: Here is an interesting site. Study it. Learn it. Know it. Then email your Senator and demand Republicans stop rewriting rules every time they don’t get their way. Does anyone else see a pattern? For years, rightwingers didn’t have enough elected officials so they scrambled districts until the Repubs became a majority. For decades, they railed against a strong federal government usurping states’ rights until Bush and Co. arrived in Washington. Now, f*ck the states and our bureaucracy has grown like never before. Every problem has a solution. Frustrated because Dems aren’t supporting judicial nominees who turn back the clock on women’s rights, choose big business over poor folks, and trample civil rights? Threaten to rid the country of filibusters!

I’ll repeat myself and urge all two of you to email your Senator today. Tell them enough is enough. Conservatives already have every branch of government controlled in their power-hungry hands. We can’t afford for them to steal any more.

UPDATE: A deal was reached, a compromise made. Apparently. Here are the main points from the AP: "These officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the agreement would clear the way for yes-or-no votes on some of Bush's nominees, but make no guarantee.Under the agreement, Democrats would pledge not to filibuster any of Bush's future appeals court or Supreme Court nominees except in "extraordinary circumstances."For their part, Republicans agreed not to support an attempt to strip Democrats of their right to block votes.Under the agreement, Texas Supreme Court Justice Priscilla Owen, nominated to a seat on the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans, would advance to a final confirmation vote." I'm inclined to agree with Senator Feingold. Will the real battle regarding the Supreme Court be extraordinary enough?

Racism + Homophobia = Big Laughs: Does anyone else see evil behind Blue Collar Comedy? These so-called comedians joke about minorities of all kinds, belittling and berating them in the name of good humor. Mouthbreathers line up to applaud because at least these God-fearing freakshows don’t take the name of the Lord in vain or use the “f” word. This is yet another example of Dumbya-Down America where ignorance reigns supreme. Why are we celebrating the blue collar lifestyle? When did this trend start? Parents used to say, “Kids, daddy didn’t go to college because he couldn’t afford it. So we saved our money to make sure you'd have a better life. Start studying because we don’t want you to repair microwaves for the next fifty years.” Today? “To hell with those educated liberals. We don’t need that shit! Ain’t nothin’ wrong with repairing microwaves as long as queers don’t get married and ruin the country. Amen and pass me a Bud.”

Weak: Newsweek magazine printed a story claiming US interrogators flushed Korans down toilets to torture prisoners at Gitmo. Afterward, when extremists went on killing sprees in Afghanistan, the article was cited as provocation. Then Newsweek retracted the story and apologized. Why would a magazine with a great reputation put that reputation on the line by either a) retracting a true story or b) printing a story that wasn’t true in the first place? Many on the right use this as evidence of a biased liberal media, which is ridiculous. Ever read Newsweek? Liberal, they ain’t. Many on the left insist the story is true and point out international news agencies running similar claims. Maybe, but stop looking smug and thrilled to report our military’s evil doings. It makes us look like we’re not on our own side.

As always, these scandals erupt at a convenient time. The BBC recently reported new evidence suggesting Tony Blair and George Bush conspired to sell the Iraq war way before it became a foregone conclusion. Now, that’s news to people who thought Michael Moore was blowing smoke up our collective ass. Still, can’t find anyone talking about it on cable news. They’re sidelined by irrelevant news stories and blaming a magazine for evils that extremists do. Liberal bias, my ass.

Act Local: In 2006, Floridians will pick a new governor. Jeb Bush’s days are numbered – thank God. As a teacher, I am appalled by how little support our schools get from Tallahassee. Lack of funding for the No Child Left Behind Act leaves children and teachers not only behind, but choking in the dust. Our next governor has one hell of a mess to clean up.

That’s why I’m happy Jim Davis has gotten into the race. He declared his candidacy some time ago and I can’t think of a more worthy person to head into Tallahassee and straighten everything out.

Former mayor of our state capitol, Scott Maddox, recently joined Jim in pursuit of our party’s nomination. Scott led the state Democratic Party last year. Need another reason to reject him as candidate for governor? How about this. In October 2004, he was busy working for a developer against environmentalists that are the backbone of our party. What else did he have going on that month that demanded his full attention? Oh, right, that election where we lost the state to Bush and gave up a senator to the right.

This is the Thanks I Get: Friday was graduation day for my seniors and I had planned to see them off into the real world. Then my children got sick. So, I canceled plans, called my husband and told him I’d pick up the kids instead and take them home early. I arrived expecting appreciation. Instead, hesitant smiles turned to frowns turned to tears because they were expecting their father and got me instead.

Story of my life.

Instead of fudge cookies and Nintendo DS systems from daddy they got fig newtons and conversation from mommy. They HOWLED. I drove home thinking I should have gone to graduation and out for drinks afterward. To hell with ‘em.

It Starts: A few months ago, my mom went out for breakfast with my dad and left without paying the bill. (They’re good Christian folk and went back afterward to pay.) This past Friday she went to work, but forgot to put on shoes. I told her to lay off pork products and drink more green tea, but she’s not listening. What's ahead? Adult diaper-wearing, Shiavo Land where mom moves in and I force-feed organic food while she curses soy milk. Instead of the Bible, I’ll make her read Newsweek.

I can’t wait.

Dear Diary Vol. V

The year was 1987 and my mood was as large as my hair. I should have known not to expect much from a time that gave birth to Lisa Lisa and "The Secret of my Success". This one's for you, mom...

January 6: "Becky and I are going to join the army under the buddy system. Maybe boot camp in Hawaii. Can't believe Cathy smokes now after lecturing me that it's uncool."

January 30: "Have to carry around an egg and pretend it's a child. Named mine YOLKO ONO. Get it? Michele told me she didn't like the way I walk. It embarrasses her. She's a sophomore in FLAG CORPS. Don't tell me about embarrassing."

February 3: "I like Brad. He has long hair. Boys with long hair are cuter than ones with short hair. Mom is not thrilled."

February 5: "Got kicked out of Thespians for being too mouthy and argumentative. They suck anyway."

February 13: "Brad came over and watched a movie and snuggled. He kissed me goodbye. Then it took him five whole minutes to get his car to start. It smelled up the driveway. NOT ROMANTIC. Have to go to Night School since I 'insist on not living up to my potential' according to Guidance Counselors AKA Gods of Chamberlain High School. Cathy and I got thrown out for talking so we went to Harbor Island because she likes the fudge guy. Got a job at Showtime Video. Watch Talking Heads video every night. I love it!"

February 27: "Cathy has the greatest friends even if they scare Becky. They drive me to school every morning now. Finally no more bus. A few of them are in a band called Saber and the coolest one likes Cathy. His name is Steve and he is so nice to me. He likes it when I hang around and he even taught me how to play drums. A little. EVERYONE SMOKES POT. It's utterly fantastic."

March 3: "Took the ASVAB with Becky. Did all right. Skipped school again and went to Harbor Island with Cathy and the gang. Met English sailors and snuck aboard their ship and tried a drink that mixes beer and lemonade. Had a blast. Becky's wrong about them. They're not so scary!"

March 31: "Threw up from too much beer last night after a Saber show. First time for everything. Suffering through one whole week of ISS and will have another week to go. FOR TARDIES! Wish I could get in trouble for something decent. Like Ana. She flashed someone. Changed my mind about the army. Can't take an oath to follow Reagan. He sucks! Becky's a little pissed off."

May 16: "I turned in a paper that was hysterical and my teacher gave it to the school shrink because he thought I was secretly crying out for help. Nobody gets me. Prom Night. What did I miss? Becky lost Best Looking and her date won Cutest Couple with someone else and then cheated on her later that night. Cathy's date was like three hours late and ended up with his nose in cocaine all night. Julie got arrested and Sharon lost Most Talented. Maybe repelling guys isn't so bad."

May 28: "I'm out on my own and into an apartment with Cathy and two other people. We painted our bedroom pink and black. Threw a hell of a party and passed out. Ana took a baseball bat to some guys who were trying to take advantage of me. Scary friends come in handy every now and then."

June 2: "Big problem. Blew off school for the last month and now I'm not quite going to graduate. Pretending my ankle is broken because relatives are coming into town starting tomorrow and can't possibly walk across the stage and GET NOTHING. I AM SCREWED! Gotta produce a diploma or shit will hit the fan. Maybe Steve knows someone? I'll ask Cathy. THE WORST!! Oh, we all got kicked out of the apartment because our parties are too loud. Moving in with Becky!"

June 8: "Met Dennis, Becky's new boyfriend. Not her type. Really cool and taught me how to funnel beers. Mom found out I am a big liar about graduation. So ashamed. Will never lie again."

July 3: "Best friends should never live together. Called Becky a dumb blonde and moody and she thinks I'm mean and rotten. Moving back home. Got a job at Little Caesars Pizza and can hardly get all my HAIR into the hat. This summer sucks so far."

July 19: "Dennis called me because he misses me. Becky didn't want him to call me but he did and they broke up. Isn't that cool? "

August 1: "Dennis likes me. Liked him until he took me out to play put-put golf and I had to pay. What is it with boys and their asshole ways?"

August 26: "Cathy has her own apartment. She threw a party where we played the OUJA board and she asked LOUDLY if I'd remain a virgin forever and pushed it toward "YES". Everyone laughed but then JEFF LOUTY told me he thought virginity was cool. Sweet! Cathy has loved Jeff all year and they are finally together so I won't flirt back. I promise."

September 2: "Jeff and I got together and Cathy hates me. REALLY hates me. She'll never talk to me again. But finally a really nice, cute guy chose me. But not friends with Cathy or Becky now. Something good happens and bad stuff has to come along with it."

September 10: "Jeff is just great. He gave Michael his AC/DC records and Michele even thinks he's cute. He looks like Dweezil Zappa! Mom isn't impressed because he said, 'My mom's divorced and she likes the beach, too.' Mom rolled her eyes. Who cares if he's not a genius?"

September 21: "Jeff says he's 'frustrated' because we have an 'innocent' relationship. I guess all that 'virginity is cool' stuff was LIES LIES LIES. We went to third base and if that's what it's all about, forget it. He can go find someone else. All that talk about love and trust and that he won't hurt me but it's all the same shit from guys. Do they all read from the same book of lines? If one more tells me it won't hurt and that I'm driving him crazy and that I can trust him I WILL SCREAM! Not worth losing Cathy over - that's for sure."

October 23: "Jeff told me he loved me. BIG LIE. Still trying to be my first. Plays that Billy Joel song about Virginia into the phone every night but pretends it's not him. I like him but no way. His old girlfriends are DUMB. I won't be the next. Waiting for someone special."

November 2: "Jeff and I together two months. Wish I didn't like him so much. Know he's sleeping with Della the Dumb Ex-Girlfriend. But at least he's not pressuring me anymore. Decided I should get my diploma so I started night school."

November 10: "Turned 18 and registered to vote. Jeff doesn't even know what it means to be a Democrat. I don't think it's TLA* with him. Even though he told me he loved me twice. He also told me I frustrate him YOU KNOW WHERE."

December 31: "Worst New Years ever! Jeff said I think I'm smarter than everyone else in the room - NO MATTER WHAT ROOM I'M IN. Jeff said I think I'm better than him. I ignored him until he said, 'There's one thing you don't know EVERYTHING about: SEX!' I could have died. Chris told him to shut up but he kept yelling about how I'm not so superior. Whatever. I threw a drink at him and said I missed Cathy and he wasn't worth ending a friendship over. It's done. What a year. I hope 1988 is better. I graduated from high school and am going to college and won't ever date anyone again. MEN SUCK!"

*True Love Always

Achtung Baby! – Track #4

One of my happily married friends has the hots for another man.

I know you’re thinking,

“Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You have friends?”

But seriously folks.

This came as quite a shock. I thought only unhappily married people felt the urge to stray. This married friend, let’s call her Emma, isn’t bored, frustrated or even looking for some strange.

What’s the deal? That’s what Emma would like to know.

She says she won’t act on her feelings and I believe her. First of all, she’s fairly religious and believes that “to forsake all others as long as you both shall live” was a vow made before God and the world. She’s a woman of her word. She also loves her husband and can’t imagine lying naked with anyone else.

Still. It’s freaking her out. This is the first time since her wedding several years ago that she is thinking, dreaming, fantasizing about someone other than her husband or Brad Pitt.

“If I were single, he’s not the type I’d even go after,” she told me one afternoon over drinks.

(Okay, I don’t drink in the afternoon unless it’s alone, in my closet, while on the verge of a nervous breakdown. But I don’t want to give her away. Or piss her off.)

“This is the other man we’re talking about, huh?” I asked. “Why isn’t he your type?”

“I like the Red Sox, he loves the Yankees.”

“Say no more.”

“Seriously, he doesn’t even go to church. He has a wife of his own. He’s grumpy and yells at the television when his team loses. Scares the shit out of his dog.”

“Something must get you all hot and bothered.”

“He’s smart and funny.”

“Now we’re getting to it.”

“We have some intense conversations and connect, that’s all I know. I try to keep my distance but it’s hard. He has a wonderful smile and turns me on. I’m an awful woman!”

I said the obligatory, “No you’re not” while wishing I knew an old, married woman who might be of help to her guilty conscience. Then I remembered I’m an old married woman.

“I worked with this guy in Boston,” I said, “who was happily married, sensitive and sweet. He and his wife even adopted a Chinese baby. I liked him for all those reasons and the fact that he resembled Greg Brady during the Hawaii years. His last name was actually Dangler, I kid you not. Anyhoo, we would discuss all kinds of personal matters and he’d talk about sex dreams featuring co-workers, including me, in starring roles. A few times, I thought about him in the biblical sense. Turned out it was just a phase and eventually passed. I’m sure this will pass, too.”

Long pause.

“That’s your big advice?” Emma asked.

“Emma, don’t be a bitch,” I said. “My point is this: It’s okay to drool over men you are not married to, whether it’s Brad Pitt (yuck), Jason Lee (yummy) or a guy at work. You can’t commit adultery with your heart or head, okay? No matter what Jimmy Carter says.”

“I suppose you’re right,” she said, still not sold on the idea.

“Would you be angry if your husband pretended he was f*cking Angelina Jolie instead of you every once in a while?”

“I guess not.”

“What if he flirted with his new secretary and it made him feel attractive and desirable? Is that so bad?”

“No…”

“Feelings aren’t right or wrong as long as you behave yourself. Not every infatuation has to turn into an Adrian Lyne film.”

Emma sighed. I continued.

“Relationships aren’t impressive while the skies are sunny and neither is fidelity without temptation. It’s good to meet someone who stirs up your juices because it shows you have strength not to tear off his clothes and go at it right there no matter how much you’d like to. So don’t worry and enjoy the fantasy while it lasts.”

Emma smiled.

Can I hear married people in the house say, “Amen”?

Dear Diary Vol. IV

1986 After reading this shit and remembering what I'd forgotten, it's becoming quite clear why I blocked it all out in the first place...

February 15: "Went to a church dance with Cathy and met Jon. We both like Violent Femmes and he's going to dedicate a song to me on the Radical Noise Show on WMNF this weekend. He's cute, but wears a trench coat so who knows? Becky's boyfriend Jeff fainted in school today. She picks some winners."

February 24: "Manic Monday. Got a job at McDonald's and worked french fries. Now I smell like one. Jon took me to see Pretty in Pink. My first real date and I hate his car and he never opened doors for me. Never again!"

March 10: "Becky's newest boyfriend goes by the nickname "Skip". When I made fun of him, he called me a c*nt and says whenever he looks at me all he sees are my tonsils. Becky says that means I talk too much. Another winner."

April 14: "We bombed Libya. Reagan sucks and mom says he doesn't do enough for "poor slobs like us". The fan in our living room started going backwards and smoke came out of it. Michele and Mom called the fire dept. and Michael slept through the whole thing. Maybe our new house is possessed. I was at a Thespian party with Becky meeting MITCH THROWER who is the hottest senior at Chamberlain even though no one else thinks so. I do. He's going to West Point next year. I love him."

May 5: "So get this. John comes up to me asking about Becky. He barked at me last year. I hate him!!! So I was mean. Then he asked Becky out and she said no. I told her good and that she better not. She told me not to be soo bossy and then "changed her mind" and now wants to go out with him. Best friend of the year."

May 14: "Becky and John were holding hands today so I guess it's really over between us. Forever. Got invited to her surprise birthday party. Called and said NO! Ran for president of Thespians and Ms. Nall decided at the last minute to stop the election and appoint the president herself. She picked Mieke! Over me! Biggest joke of the year. How's that for democracy? I had the election won so she picked someone else. Who does that? Dictators!! I hate high school."

June 6: "Last day of school. Last Saturday John stood up Becky. I laughed so hard. I feel kinda bad but not really. The problem with me is that I can't tan. Guys call me "Casper" and Cathy pretends when I'm in a bathing suit that the glare is worse than the sun. If I stay out too long, I burn. Good thing I'm in Florida - the SUNSHINE state."

July 16: "This guy Mike at work likes me. He's so nice and drives a Ford Mustang. I think he's Italian and looks like Corey Hart. It's nice to finally be pretty."

July 31: "Today is mom's birthday so gave her ginger ale, took her out to dinner and paid for it. Also gave her a ruby ring from all of us because Michele and Michael are kids and can't work. Mike drives me home every night from work and says he'd like to take me out. What does that mean???? I think I'm in love. Should be nicer to him, but he acts so weird. He said drama people are nerds. I got mad and he said not me. Still."

August 20: "Mike kissed me today at the pool party for work. He's great. But no tongue, just a lot of pecks. I thought Italian boys were supposed to be sex maniacs."

August 23: "Mike and I are through. He got mad because I jokingly said he had no body. He does! I was being funny, I thought. What a nerd."

September 1: "Well, I'm a senior now. Saw Becky and ignored her. Then felt bad and called her. We "made up". An extreme day. Ms. Nall is telling people not to hang out with Cathy and I because we are not "progressors". Hanging out with Josh - a sophomore but hot with long blond hair. Good kisser. But he listens to rap and grabs his crotch a lot. Staying neutral."

November 12: "Josh and I went to second base. To put it in one word: UNCOMFORTABLE. Not sure he knows what he's doing. He left roses on my front door for my birthday. Cute. Wish he was better you know where - in case Michele reads this and tells mom. I can't say too much."

November 20: "Me and Josh broke up because I wouldn't go all the way. Cried a little but know I'm doing the right thing to wait. Quit my job at McDonald's because they wanted me to rat out a friend who was skipping work and I walked right out. Just like Norma Rae. I'm proud of me."

December 31: "Mom finally joined the rest of the world and bought a VCR. Teaching Becky how to smoke cigarettes but she doesn't really catch on. "She's too pure to be pink." My new years resolution is to get a new job and fall in love. I'm beginning to think that love is made up and bullshit and only for people who never break out or have frizzy hair. That's what I think. I really do."

My Own State of Mind

I was in NYC this weekend to experience and participate in a wedding. This is the third time in less than seven months someone close to me has gotten married. (Enough already, people!) First my sister, then brother, now best friend. What I liked best of all? It doesn’t matter where you tie the knot, city or suburbs; when done right, love feels the same everywhere.

This weekend did, however, hold some unique experiences:

Let the games begin One of David’s (the groom) homes is an apartment in Manhattan. There I sat Friday morning, surrounded by valuable works of art, a few framed pictures of Albert Einstein, a thousand books to choose from and a harp. No Elmo coloring books anywhere in sight.

Va Va Voom I haven’t been out of the house without a bra since the late Eighties. So, I was a tad worried about walking down the aisle in my Vera Wang gown and pulling a Tara Reid. Turns out, all was fine. Something happens when a team of professionals tackle hair, make-up and nails, all while murmuring about your complete and utter fabulousness. Combine that with a limo ride through the city sipping champagne and watching a friend you love being pampered like a princess and – oh, if one of the girls want to pop out and play, to hell with it.

Our Lips are so Close Sharing a hotel room the size of a shoebox with sister and brother-in-law will make you close and crazy. Luckily, we still like each other. Scott now knows more than he ever wanted to about my digestive system, Vaseline’s many uses, and Beastie Boys songs.

Where are you? Several things should not be attempted while drinking: long-distance text messaging, using cell phone/camera and only winding up with pictures of your mouth mid-conversation, hailing a cab in high heels, partying in winter weather wearing close to nothing because it’s Spring, dirty dancing to “Brick House” in front of children and a rabbi, and giving a speech longer than the pope’s eulogy.

Speaking of speaking in public, here is what I had to say at the reception:

As I stand before you today, it occurs to me that I’ve known Rebecca longer than anyone here except her mom, grandmother and sister. So, I’d like to share with you some of our memories. See, we were not always Catherine and Rebecca, the sophisticated and glamorous women you see before you. Once upon a time, we were awkward, we were Square Pegs, we were Katie and Becky.

When I thought about speaking to you all, I consulted a book I hadn’t looked at in a long time. It’s a book known for wise words and hidden truth. More so than the Kabbalah, the Torah, or even the Talmud….this book holds deep, dark secrets about the meaning of life.

I’m talking about my old diary.

As I looked through its worn and weathered pages, I reacquainted myself with the young girls that still live in both of us. Let me take you all back for a moment to a world of Slam Books and pep rallies, birthday parties where we dressed like punk rockers and sleepovers where we baked chocolate cake and prank called boys all night long. A time when friendships were forged walking home from school every day, when a straight-laced good girl stopped ignoring the frizzy-haired bully long enough to ask her name, where a teenager with braces on her teeth played clarinet and twirled a flag on the football field.

Becky and I would meet at this neighborhood gazebo when we felt at our most misunderstood, commiserating about boys, parents, and school. Often, we would daydream about the men we hoped to meet someday, fall in love with, and marry. We had high standards and here was Becky's wish list. He had to be kind toward animals, appreciate independent women, and resemble Simon LeBon circa 1984. He had to be romantic, even on bad days, approve of late-night phone calls between friends, and be willing to hold her hand during horror films.

It's a profound moment, standing here, witness to almost twenty-three years of twists, turns, and triumphs. David, you are everything a girl could want for her lifelong friend, despite zero resemblance to any member of Duran Duran. Thank God.

Some say love keeps marriage alive, but the longest loving couples will tell you that marriage…commitment… that’s what’ll keep your love alive. Everyone, please raise your glasses to my best friend and the man of her dreams. A world of love to you both.

Now, I’m not saying I rocked the house. That honor belongs to a band that can play Ben Folds, The Commodores and Frank Sinatra all in one evening. But, when a member of the Kennedy clan tells you you’re eloquent, bank on it baby. That’s better than sex!

Helluva night. Mazel tov, guys.

Dear Diary Vol. III

Another trip down Amnesia Lane. The year was 1985 and the hairdos were large...

February 19: "Went to see Hall & Oates with Becky. General Public opened the show and was the best. Also pierced my ears twice with ice and needle. Hurt like hell. Will cut my frizzy hair next week and then maybe Cathy will stop calling me Afroqueen."

March 9: "Went over to Cathy's and TP'd this guy's house. I guess we hate him. Cathy found out I haven't gotten my period yet. She may not let this one go. Hope I don't hear about it at school. Becky wants me to try out for Flag Corps. Not really for me. But her fat friend Lori is going to try out and I hate her so I might, too."

March 18: "Cathy called me 'Bloodless' in front of everyone. Michele is snoring at night just to bug me. Apparently, according to Ryan, I have no butt and that is a big problem. No chest. No butt. What was God thinking when he made me? High school is hell without a bod. Becky doesn't understand and neither does Cathy. I need some ugly friends. Tried to drive today and said 'F*ck' in front of mom. Grounded."

April 1: "Got grounded for gayest reason ever. Told a grosser than gross joke at the dinner table. Told Michael that he should slide down naked off a razor blade into a pool of alcohol. Mom said I'm no lady and to go into my room and laugh at myself in the mirror if I'm so funny. So I did. I am funny even though she thinks I'm disgraceful. Cathy thought I was pulling an April Fool's Joke on her but I'm really grounded. Life sucks."

April 10: "Put a dissected frog in my World History teacher's bag yesterday. Too funny. Cathy and I spread him out so he looked really gross. Ms. Orr almost had a heart attack. Laughed all day. Today went canoing (sic) with Jim, Kelly, and Stewart. Mom thinks it's improper to spend time with boys and no girls. Girls are a pain in the ass. Not Becky or Cathy, though. Except sometimes."

April 15: "Becky and I met Paul and Larry at Mission Bell. They pretended they were from another country. Made out with Paul for a whole hour! Mom is going on strike and no more dinners. Ha Ha. She is funny."

April 21: "Thespian competition at FSU. Partying all night. Watching Mtv. Paul never called me. Oh well. He sweats too much anyway and everyone calls him a dick and gay. My first one-night stand. Now I know what Duran Duran was singing about. Sigh. FSU is great."

May 4: "Skipped school today. Cathy went back because she was scared and I hung out with the seniors. We watched Grease. Cool or what. "

May 7: "Cathy's mad at me and tried to hurl a book at me. She missed and hit the locker. The whole school is scared when we're fighting. Too funny. I just wrote some mean stuff about her in the newspaper. She will be pissed. I still like her a little though. Got into Thespians. Trying out for Flag Corps. Sorta embarrassed. Cathy laughed at me. I would too."

May 19: "Didn't make Flag Corps, but fat Lori did. Life isn't fair."

June 10: "Hanging out in Chicago babysitting my cousins. It's okay but I miss Mom and Michele and even Michael. Missing Becky and Cathy and driving around Mission Bell. Here I am staying up late to watch the Gong Show with two kids. But it's nice. Aunt Mimi is fun and she likes to do fun things. So it's cool. I want a romance!"

June 29: "Cousins are immature. They keep making fun of my hair and calling it nappy. Then Debbie found my savage underwear and got everyone to call me 'mature nappy savage'. My family is so weird. I want to go home."

July 15: "Chicago is good for me. I actually think I'm getting prettier. Finally got my period. Called Cathy and told her. She's happy for me."

July 16: "Don't know why I wanted this for so long. Gross, gross, gross."

August 17: "Home at last. Went out with Becky and got buzzed for the first time off rum. Love Wham! and picked up boys and brought them back to fat Lori's house. Her dad has pornos. The boys just talked about boobs and I went swimming by myself. Weird huh?"

August 26: "First day as a junior and they gave me French 2 and Jazz Band. Do they even know me at this school? Becky and I are going to backpack across Europe after we graduate and screw a different guy in every country. Doesn't that sound like fun? We're really going to do it. A boy barked at me in the hallway. Cathy says it's my own fault for not wearing makeup. Need a cigarette."

October 5: "Played Abigail in The Crucible. Shaved my head and then pretended I went to a party and friends did it cause kind of embarrassed. It's short! I'm practically bald but it's kind of punk. Angela in French is bi-sexual. She had to explain cause I've never heard that before and couldn't ask MOM. Angela also told me what a dildo is - I thought it was something you smoke pot out of but that's something called a bong. Learning a lot this year."

My Baby’s Got Sauce

I’m a sucker for well-worded compliments. Many people mistakenly believe I’m difficult and hard to please. (When I say “people”, I mean “friends and relatives”.) Quite the contrary, it’s embarrassing how easy I am. All it takes is a genuine flattering remark and I’m yours on whatever platter you’d prefer.

DISCLAIMER: If the admirer is dumb (thinks Bush is great for our country), boring (regurgitates WSJ’s opinion page and local preacher’s ramblings), or tacky (worships all things Britney) – then the accolade is automatically null and void and leads to a further souring of mood.

Otherwise, praise away. Here are my top three favorites:

#3: Fellow feminists unite! I know we want to be valued for what goes on inside our head, but isn’t it hot when someone notices weight loss or a dress bringing out the color in our eyes? Even the occasional “Nice rack, lady!” gets juices flowing if he has all his own teeth. Obviously I have other strengths and don’t hear such comments very often from someone other than the man legally required to bed me nightly. Still, when someone coos in a way reminiscent of James Spader’s character in Sex, Lies, and Videotape, he automatically replaces Chris Cornell in various fantasies involving satin sheets. I forget I’m an old married woman with two children and five loads of laundry and the buzz lasts at least five days and nights. (winkhusbandthanksyouverymuchwink)

#2 –My wit and wisdom, though cultivated for years, are no foregone conclusion and when someone says they enjoy my company and/or writing, I am high for at least a month. I melt like a sixteen year old receiving tongue for the first time when published, even if it’s an obscure e-zine only six people read because, still, those six people read it religiously and are convinced they share secrets no one else knows. And they like me, they really like me!

#1- The best and most frequent compliments regard my children. A part of me realizes they’re the ones receiving kind words; however, while they’re young, Husband and I are reflected in their every move. Since parenthood is our most important calling, when people comment favorably about our kids, we feel vindicated and worthy.

That’s why Thursday sucked. (Well, not the only reason, but I’m looking for a scapegoat.)

Thursday was Take Your Children to Work Day. For some reason, I thought it might be fun to take my boys to school and show them what Mommy does for a living. It was fun – at first. My students were terrific, happy to get out of real work by coloring and entertaining two five year olds, questioning them about life without meat and so on. Teachers *in my department* were great as well, mostly because they are mothers who understand and appreciate children.

With few exceptions, no one else said a thing. People walked right by and didn’t even smile at my two precious children. Many came up to discuss business as usual. I wanted to scream,

“Are you blind? Yes, I will discuss with you all the ways Florida’s Department of Education is incompetent if you will acknowledge these little cherubs at your feet. Smile, goddamn it, and tell me you’ve never EVER seen such cute/smart/charming children in all your life! They’re not going to be ignored, Dan!”

Cue up the score from Fatal Attraction.

You know reception is rough when one co-worker comes along and says, nonchalantly, “Cute kids. What are their names?” and I almost smother him with hugs and kisses. The upside is I’m no longer as blue about transferring to another school next year as I can now count on one hand the amount of people I’m fond of – even with two fingers chopped off.

In true non-hypocritical fashion, I am always quick to compliment others’ hair styles, teaching abilities, writing, and dirty jokes when appropriate and in a most heartfelt way. I really do. Only because I know it lifts spirits and encourages feelings of self-worth. But, next time one of my insensitive colleagues brings in something or someone of worth, hell, even a puppy, I’m gonna look away, scratch myself and ask their opinion about Tom Delay.

Count on it.