"Wanna buy five copies for my mother"

The latest edition of Rolling Stone arrived yesterday and I almost choked on my soy nuts.




Don't get me wrong - I loves me some Kanye West and I'm all kinds of down with social statements. Big fan! Besides, Rolling Stone articles are the best in the business. However, I couldn't help but wonder what the editor of this traditionally liberal magazine was smoking when he approved this cover.

SIDE NOTE: Howard Stern once offered similar pictures for the cover, but was turned down. Interesting...

I remember reading tough criticism, on the pages of this magazine, for our soldiers kicking the Koran in front of Muslim prisoners. Soldiers were rightfully held to task for disrespecting a religious holy book. At the same time, few journalists suggested Muslim leaders were out of their collective minds to call for violence in response to such desecration.

Would this cover have been rejected if West were dressed like a persecuted holy man Muslim's revere? Those fundies got their undies in a wad when Sharon was photographed just walking around the Temple Mount. Imagine what they'd say if Rolling Stone photographed a half-naked Madonna gyrating all over the Dome of the Rock. (Been there, by the way. Lovely place. Lovely people.)

Should Christians blow up some sh*t because this cover disrespects their Christ? Or is it okay because Kanye West is an outspoken Christian and making a point? (To be fair, inside the magazine, he is imitating Ali as well. So I suppose that counts for something.)

My last question: Is it okay to disrespect God or Christ because, let's face it, Jews and Christians are reasonable people and won't behead anyone, but lay off Muhammad the Prophet and the Koran because those g*ddamned Muslims...we don't know what the h*ll they're gonna do?

I'm not advocating censorship or saying stores shouldn't sell this recent descent into bad taste. Rolling Stone's cover simply demonstrates a double-standard in the world today. Only certain faiths and ethnicities are to be feared. I mean, revered.

And that's the most disrespectful part of all.

**UPDATE: CASE IN POINT**

Calling Concerned Dems

Fellow Floridians: Call Senator Bill Nelson and tell him to support John Kerry and Ted Kennedy. Filibuster Alito right out of consideration.

If you're living large somewhere far from the Sunshine State, here's information on your Senators and ways to contact them via Main St. USA :

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Below are numbers for the various offices. However, many of the voicemails are full, so use other numbers, fax, and e-mail. Please do this no matter where you live in the U.S. (And no, you don't need to lie about where you live. If they ask, be honest. If they don't, fine.) Also included in the list: people on the fence or people that we need to work on, indicated by various offices. Robert Byrd already said he would vote in support of Alito. Some offices have given out these names. We need them. If they don't want to vote "No" on cloture, ask them to "Abstain". Don't vote at all - stay home.

Here we go: Senators You Can Contact:

* (Reports are Mary may vote for cloture!!!): Mary Landrieu (D-LA) - PHONE: (202) 224-5824 . FAX: (202) 224-9735 OR New Orleans FAX: (504) 589-4023 . OFFICES: http://landrieu.senate.gov/services/offices.cfm WEB FORM: http://landrieu.senate.gov/contact/index.cfm

* Kent Conrad (D-ND) - PHONE: (202) 224-2043 . He has indicated he may even vote YES on Alito! NO! At the very least, do not vote at all, Conrad! OTHER OFFICES: http://www.senate.gov/~conrad/contact.html WEB FORM: http://www.senate.gov/~conrad/webform.html

* Tom Harkin (D-IA) - PHONE: (202) 224-3254, FAX: (202) 224-9369, http://harkin.senate.gov/contact/contact.cfm District Offices: Des Moines - (515) 284-4574, Cedar Rapids - (319) 365-4504, Davenport - (563) 322-1338, Dubuque - (563) 582-2130, Sioux City - (712) 252-1550 .

* Barbara Mikulski (D-MD) - PHONE: (410) 962-4510 and FAX: (410) 962-4760 for the Baltimore office, PHONE LINES: 410-263-1805, 410-269-1650 and FAX: 410-263-5949 for the Annapolis office. PHONE: 202-224-4654 and FAX: 202-224-8858 for the D.C. office.

* Ken Salazar (D-CO) PHONE: 1-888-355-3588 press 2, or (202) 224-5852 . FAX: (202) 228-5036 OR FAX: Denver, CO (303) 455-8851 .

* Maria Cantwell (D-WA) - PHONE: (202) 224-3441 . OFFICE LOCATIONS AND NUMBERS: http://cantwell.senate.gov/contact/office_locations.cfm WEB FORM: http://cantwell.senate.gov/contact/

* Mark Pryor (D-AR) - PHONE: (202) 224-2353

* Mark Dayton (D-MN) - PHONE: (888) 224-9043 . (He will vote no. But he's unsure about a filibuster.)

* Evan Bayh (D-IN) - PHONE: (202) 224-5623

* Ben Nelson (D-NE) - PHONE: (202) 224-6551 or FAX: (202) 228-0012. Ben Nelson originally stated that he would vote Yes for Alito. His office even stands by it. But they are taking a tally of people supporting the filibuster. So call.OTHER NUMBERS: Omaha - PHONE: (402) 391-3411, FAX: (402) 391-4725. Lincoln - PHONE: (402) 441-4600, FAX: (402) 476-8753. Chadron - PHONE: (308) 430-0587. Scottsbluff: (308) 631-7614 . WEB FORM: http://bennelson.senate.gov/contact/email.cfm

* Bill Nelson (D-FL) - PHONE: (202) 224-5274 . Bill Nelson says that he is not getting enough calls from his constituency. Even if you don't live there, call. The Republicans are calling him continously to ask him to oppose a filibuster. OTHER OFFICE NUMBERS AND FAX NUMBERS: http://billnelson.senate.gov/contact/offices.cfm WEB FORM: http://billnelson.senate.gov/contact/email.cfm

* Robert Byrd (D-WV) - PHONE: (202) 224-3954 or (304) 343-7144 or (304) 342-5855, OR FAX: (202) 228-0002 OR FAX CHARLESTON, WV OFFICE: (304) 343-7144. http://byrd.senate.gov/byrd_email.html

* Daniel Akaka (D-HI) - RECONSIDER PLEASE! 1-888-355-3588 ask for Akaka. OTHER OFFICES: http://akaka.senate.gov/offices-b.html E-MAIL ADDRESS: senator@akaka.senate.gov

* Joe Lieberman (D-CT) - PHONE: (800) 225-5605 OR FAX (860) 549-8478 . WEB FORM: http://lieberman.senate.gov/contact/

* Lincoln Chafee (R-RI) - PHONE: (202) 224-2921 . WEB FORM: http://chafee.senate.gov/webform.htm

* Joe Biden (D-DE) - PHONE: (202) 224-5042 . E-MAIL FORM: http://biden.senate.gov/contact/emailjoe.cfm

* Frank Lautenburg (D-NJ) - PHONE: (202) 224-3224 http://lautenberg.senate.gov/webform.html

* Robert Menendez (D-NJ) - PHONE: (202) 224-4744

* Tim Johnson (D-SD) - PHONE: (202) 224-5842

* Barack Obama (D-IL) - PHONE: (202) 224-2854 . FAX: (202) 228-4260 . PHONE (SPRINGFIELD, IL): (217) 492-5089, FAX (SPRINGFIELD, IL): (217) 492-5099 . EMAIL FORM: http://obama.senate.gov/contact/contact.cfm?cat=legal

* Olympia Snowe (R-ME) - PHONE: (202) 224-5344 · Toll Free in Maine: (800) 432-1599 · Fax: (202) 224-1946 OR FAX BANGOR, MAINE OFFICE: (207) 941-9525 .

* Susan Collins (R-ME) - PHONE: (202) 224-2693 OR FAX (202) 224-2693 . FAX: (202) 224-2693 or FAX BANGOR, MAINE OFFICE: (207) 990-4604 .

* Byron L. Dorgan (D-ND) - PHONE: 202-224-2551

* Republican Lamar Alexander (R-TN) - Not likely, but he's a moderate. Try? PHONE: (202) 224-4944

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Sunday Fun

Mr. C is the rat.

I Heart Jim

Everyone needs a break from reality once in a while. After the dishes are put away, papers graded, laundry folded and spouse satisfied - what do you do to recharge your batteries? There are plenty of options. I’m not talking about exercising or cleaning. Two of my favorite activities, they have other benefits besides stress relief. I’m talking about something you do that is a guilty pleasure with no other redeeming qualities except that it makes you feel good.

What is it?

For me, Jim is that guilty pleasure.

If you’re not already familiar with the Jim Phenomenon, as it will soon come to be called, let me break it down for you. I realize he’s a younger man, but when Jim’s smile lights up an entire atmosphere, I’m a goner. When his hair grows a little too long and starts to curl around his ears? Sexy! Jim is way too tall and messy, but melting is unavoidable when he makes sarcastic comments and silly jokes. Besides, his eyes convey a kindness rarely seen in modern men.

So why is Pam marrying Roy?

You’re thinking I need serious help, but even a wife and mother – heck, especially a wife and mother – needs good escapist fantasy every week. I get mine from The Office.

Well, I enjoy Sex and the City reruns as well.

But The Office is where it’s at. Jim and Pam have replaced Ross and Rachel. Will they? Won’t they? Dwight is pee-in-your-pants funny and we've all had at least one boss like Michael.

Therefore, if you’re overworked and cranky, tune in and turn on every Thursday night at 9:30pm EST (NBC) for about a half-hour. You deserve it and so do I.

See you there.

Honesty is the Best Policy

...all the way around.

Bill O'Reilly on David Letterman.

To Life!

Hamas is now part of the political process in so-called Palestine.

SIDE NOTE: I've been accused of converting to Judaism just to have more to rant about. Not true! Everyone knows I converted for the food and free toaster oven. Oh, and because I like to tell Jewish jokes and get away with it.

Seriously, Hamas winning so many votes has Israel nervous, but I believe this is a positive step. Sure, these terrorists are ranting and raving now, but that's easy to do. Wait until they actually have to govern and foreign aid is cut off. They will sing a different tune. Besides, don't misunderstand the voters' intentions over there; they voted against corruption more than voting for homicide bombers. Most people in that region are sick of the fighting and just want to live in peace.

I'd rather Hamas involved than standing on the sidelines playing spoiler. In order for any aid to flow into that area from America or the European Union, Hamas has to denounce violence and recognize Israel's right to exist. This has to happen sooner or later and then real progress will begin.

Surely, another organization will come along to rally the fundie faithful. However, having Hamas as a part of the solution will hopefully retire them as part of the problem. That would be a welcome relief indeed.

You Don't Have to Take Your Clothes Off, To Have Good Time, But It Helps

A recent article about Paradise Lakes, popular nudist colony, caught my eye. They are hosting a strip poker tournament tonight, following a day-long "Bulls in the Buff" event, targeting local USF students. College students get in free, along with anyone under age 25, and the tournament itself is for single women and couples only.

If you are so inclined, go for it. Tell 'em Katie sent ya.

I've visisted Paradise Lakes with my closest friends (we were young and impressionable college students as well) and enjoyed myself. Mike liked to be naked even without high walls and a security system and Julie and I thought, "Why not?" There's something exhilarating about stripping in public and rejecting conventional societal norms. Freedom never felt so freeing.

Let me debunk a few myths about the clothing-optional lifestyle. First of all, the experience need not be sexual in nature. Yes, Paradise Lakes has an active bar and dance club. Boys will be boys, with or without clothes, but tend to rely on intellectual mating rituals when exposed in more ways than one. That leads to stimulating conversations and a more honest approach. Still, even with everything out in the open, I never spent the night. Went in pure as snow and left with everything intact. Everything.

Secondly, revelers are not young hippies with a free-love philosophy. I always laugh when political candidates attack these resorts as "sin bins" and vow to rid Pasco County of places where you can't throw a rock without hitting a naked keister. Then Republican Zealot gets elected and realizes these residents are older, conservative, and rich enough to finance several more campaigns. Afterwards we don't hear much from them or their Bible-toting constituents which is why Land O' Lakes remains home to four separate clothing-free compounds. That's about the only alternative lifestyle these nudists can get behind.

And if you think you're alone in there, think again. Over 100,000 people flock to these Naked Experiences every year. After a few of my own, I went with family to an Ybor City restaurant and our waiter recognized me. Future Husband laughed out loud when the guy said, "Didn't I meet you last night at Paradise Lakes?" I turned red, smiled politely and avoided my relatives' disapproving looks.

Then it hit me. He really did focus on my face! Should I be insulted or impressed?

One last piece of advice: If you bare it all, bring a towel to place under your tushie when taking a break from socializing and dancing. Those seat cushions get moist.

Oh, for goodness sake, take off your clothes and have a good time. When gravity becomes The Enemy, you'll look back and be glad you did.

Lazy Monday

"Yo, your mom is gonna love that Menorah."

Nice try, boychicks, but East Coast rules - West Coast drools.

His Way or the Highway

Governor Bush doesn't seem to care that voters, in 2002, demanded smaller classes or that the Supreme Court, a few weeks ago, declared his voucher program unconstitutional. (The system really only works when everyone sees it His way. Otherwise, voters don't know sh*t and activist judges need to be brought down.)

Therefore, with infinite wisdom, Jeb! will push two agenda items before heading off to plan Bush World Domination. He's pressuring the Legislature to 1) make the classroom-size amendment more flexible and 2) restart his voucher program in such a way the court can't touch it.

I've got news for our (can't-wait-to-see-him-go) governor.

Smaller classroom sizes, especially in elementary schools, are essential to a good education for all our kids, especially students who struggle. Talk to some teachers - there is universal agreement on this issue! They know a thing or two about how to help our kids and were able to convey that when voters approved the law. Now reallocate some funds and get it accomplished. Enough excuses.

Secondly, take a look at some "failing" schools. Are they overcrowded? Especially, are they overcrowded with underprivileged (economically and intellectually) students? If so, then the solution isn't to pull some kids out at taxpayer expense and to hell with the rest. There are few students with parents who can place them in private schools - with or without taxpayers' help. For example, Hillsborough County had no such instances last year.

Why not focus on solutions that will actually make a positive difference for most public school students in this state? Build more schools to deal with explosive growth and hire qualified teachers to staff such schools. Not to beat a dead horse, but take a look around and do something productive.

Jeb! - your posturing hasn't solved a thing. The voters have spoken. Now get on it.

**Missing Person Alert**

My friend Ben asked me to post this about a missing woman he knows from Orlando:

NAME: JENNIFER KESSE
DOB: 05/20/1981
RACE: White
SEX: Female
HEIGHT: 5-07
WEIGHT: 130
HAIR: Brown
EYES: Green
LKA: 3735 Conroy Rd.
CASE #2006-32039
VEHICLE INFORMATION: 2004 black Chevrolet Malibu 4-door Florida Tag H90KYC

CASE DETAILS:
THE ABOVE LISTED PERSON WAS LAST HEARD FROM ON 01/23/2006 AT APPROXIMATELY 2200 HOURS. SHE DID NOT SHOW UP FOR WORK ON 01/24/2006. HER VEHICLE IS ALSO MISSING. THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR IS VERY UNCHARACTERISTIC. SHE HAS BEEN ENTERED INTO TELETYPE AS MISSING-ENDANGERED.
Anyone with information may call the Orlando Police Department or Crimeline 1-(800)423-TIPS. Callers will remain anonymous and may be eligible for up to $1000 reward

Please click here for her picture and more information.

What Happened to "Mary Had a Little Lamb"?

Contrary to popular belief, there are things I will not put in my mouth:

- dead animals of any kind
- partially hydrogenated oils
- trans fats (no, they're not the same thing)
- high fructose corn syrup

People act surprised when I'm equally picky about what my children eat. I love these two little guys more than life itself. Why would I shove unhealthy food down their throats?

Last night, my youngest sang a song he learned at school and I almost stroked out on everyone:

"Pizza Hut! Pizza Hut!
Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut!
McDonald's!
McDonald's!
Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut!
Burger King!
Burger King!
Taco Bell and Burger King!
Red Lobster and Taco Bell!
Dairy Queen, Dairy Queen!
Arby's and Dairy Queen!
Yum, yum, yum."

I realize it must be heard to be appreciated, or to induce a stomach ulcer, but I don't want to exploit my children by encouraging this kind of chanting ritual more than once.

Why are schools teaching children such a song? I'm afraid to ask and get labeled: That Mom. I don't want to overreact, but I read an article once about corporations targeting children because the Whining Factor pushes parents to purchase things they wouldn't otherwise buy just to shut up the kids. Whining doesn't bother me at all. I have a strong threshold and the boys can whine for days without affecting me in the least. I still can't help but wonder how many "donations" these fast-food chains made to my kids' elementary school to encourage teachers to teach new kinds of nursery rhymes.

The upside came when my oldest asked,

"What is Red Lobster and what do they eat there?"

We had a fun talk about how, as Jews, God forbids us to eat animals that eat fish-poop. We made up fun rhymes because nothing entertains kindergartners like potty talk at the dinner table. I can't wait for them to share their new songs with everyone today.

It's the little things that bring joy to a vegetarian's heart.

The Mommy Edition

I hardly ever answer these emails, but Addison is a good guy, so I'll play along. Besides - I was up late with a sick child and therefore not quite right in the head. Forgive me.

Four jobs I've had in my life:
1) Unlicensed Physician. Proudest moment – creating a near-toxic cocktail of prune juice, figs, and raisins to cure my children’s constipation. Patent Pending.
2) Private Investigator: I can find missing socks and underwear in any dryer, couch, or laundry basket – try me.
3) Once I sold grilled cheese sandwiches at Dead Shows for five bucks a pop. (The secret was replacing Velveeta with Havarti. I outsold all the other hippie-chicks.)
4) LuLu the Love Machine: I was drunk and needed a ride home. JUST KIDDING. I wasn’t drunk.

Four movies I could watch over and over:
1) My friend’s arrest tape from ten years ago that has him drunk and belligerent inside a Boston police station. Never gets old.
2) Home movies
3) Paris Hilton’s video to remind myself there’s at least one thing I can do better than a debutante.
4) That one where the good guy gets put in a real bad spot but then gets out of it and life lessons are learned by all.

Four places I've lived:
1) Boston
2) Wesley Chapel
3) Heaven
4) Hell
Oh, wait, that’s only two…

Four TV shows I love to watch:
Only one: When Children Eat Chocolate and Refuse to Sleep: The Complete Box Set

Four places I've been on vacation:
Summed up in one word: Paradise (but I’ve never been to me)

Four websites I visit daily:
1) Out in Left Field
2) Sticks of Fire
3) all of your sites
4) Peer Review – strictly for the porn

Four of my favorite foods:
Anything I can digest quickly between homework, tubby, and bedtime stories. Oh, and sometimes I eat my words. Does that count?

Four places I'd rather be right now:
In bed. Sleeping. Smiling. With you.

Can't Buy Me Love

Are you one of thousands of Tampa commuters who'd rather drive off a cliff than down Bruce B. Downs or I-4 during rush hour? Do you have children attending an overcrowded school? Are homeowner's insurance premiums going through the roof - forcing you to subsist on grilled cheese sandwiches and American beer?

If so, please contact your legislators in Tallahassee. Tell them to shelve the idea of a week-long tax-free holiday. Jim Davis correctly referred to this plan as a gimmick and I agree. Instead, our representatives should use this revenue to solve some problems.

A quality education is expensive and kids cannot excel in elementary schools currently overcrowded by about 500+ kids. Perhaps you don't have children and can't understand the influence smaller schools have on a learning environment. Okay, how about this argument: Property values go up and crime goes down when neighborhood schools are well-funded and supported by the local community. Take it from someone involved both as a parent and educator - investing in education helps the residents of our state more than discounts on plasma televisions.

The widening of Bruce B. Downs from four to eight lanes has been postponed - don't expect relief until at least 2008. Currently, New Tampa residents spend a half-hour just driving down the street! Ever visit other highways in town during morning or afternoon hours? Combine careless drivers with too-few lanes and about six hundred rubberneckers and I'm not surprised when a stray bullet grazes someone's windshield. Unless we start kicking people out, Florida legislators are going to have to solve our growth problem. Open the roads and clear the way.

The Tampa Tribune even suggested using this tax money to alleviate the current crisis with Citizens Property and rising homeowners' insurance premiums. Citizens is often the last resort for folks who can't get insurance elsewhere and all Florida homeowners pay to offset its deficit. What are the alternatives? Try foreclosures and bankruptcies. As a community, we must make a decision: Do we want a work force owning homes here or not? I believe its best when everyone - those with and without - are connected to the towns in which they live and work. Ownership has its privileges.

Tallahassee: keep my hundred bucks and fix our schools, roads, or insurance woes. Instead of a week, try making every day a holiday.

Why I Love Being a Mommy: Reason #53

Inspiring priceless artwork.

26 + 6 = 1

British police are investigating unsolved murders in Ireland, some going back thirty-seven years, to try and resolve them. The Historical Enquiries Team won't be putting anyone in jail, just trying to find answers and provide closure for victims' families.

Probably more than a few Catholics between 1969 and 1998 were murdered by British police officers. Therefore, I’m a tad skeptical that the same organization is able to effectively probe itself. (Insert your own joke here.)

Disclaimer: I was raised a Republican and remain proudly Republican today. Irish Republican, that is. I'm a full-blooded rose - the first to break ranks by marrying outside the clan, bringing into the fold a child of Eastern-European immigrants and don't think that doesn't piss off more than a few Uncle Jims/Uncle Joes/and Cousin Patricks. I support Sinn Fein and was Joe Doherty’s pen pal for years while he sat in an American jail. I drink Guinness like a champ and refer to the six stolen counties as “The North”. Once I dragged my husband and brother from Dublin to Belfast to Free Derry and back again on a half-tank of gas. Check out cover girl on Galway Bay.




Ireland will always be one country, not two, as I forever cling to hope that one day Great Britain will march its bloated and uptight arse out of my great-grandparents’ country – once and for all.

That'd be real closure - for everyone.


**Response to Anonymous**
I don't have an xbox or live in an apartment. I spent my peace corps years educating juvenile criminals and am not interested in your undying respect. I'd rather stick stateside and raise my children - earning their undying love. Thanks anyway.

Equal Opportunity Offender

I'm ready to hurl...

as a Bill Clinton fan.

as a John Lennon fan.

as a Jew.

This piece of work wounds both physically and emotionally. (He sounds like Elvis.) How can butchering a beloved song advance the cause of peace? I'm non-violent and afterwards even I wanted to kill someone. Listen at your own risk.

You've been warned.

Jump In

All this talk about reform from Republican blowhards has me thinking - between dry heaves - about the money it takes to run for office. Candidates have to amass a fortune just to compete, which leaves those with the most money enjoying the most influence. Obviously, Republicans are more open to corruption in this regard because a) conservatives as a whole have more money while liberals are busy working for the good of mankind and b) in turn, conservatives give their dirty dollars to likeminded politicians.

Here's an idea for the rest of us: get in the game. Find a progressive candidate you like and send him/her a contribution.

We must help candidates compete and that means people (not corporations) should level the playing field. I'd much rather see a neighborhood alliance from Lutz writing checks than a company specializing in laser-guided missiles. What we lack in big bucks, we make up in moral fortitude. Who says we can't influence public servants to look beyond the big guys and listen carefully to our concerns? I know more than a few elected officials who'd love to hear our discussions and never require a campaign contribution to open their doors - which is why they deserve those contributions the most.

Hold a car wash and send the proceeds to whoever is running against the town bully. Host a house party for your favorite challenger. Pool resources with others and bring the check down to local campaign headquarters with balloons and pizza for overworked staffers. Not sure which candidate deserves your hard-earned money? Research the guy conservatives are endorsing - and then give to the other one. That's always a safe bet.

If you really want to help your neighbors and fellow Floridians, take my lead: Jim Davis is the man with the plan.

In order to get elected, candidates need money. It's their least favorite part of the job and we can help. So we should.

That is all.

Safety First

Parents are often unaware their kids' favorite toy presents a choking hazard if parts come loose and get into the wrong mouth. Almost every day something, usually a knick-knack from Target purchased under intense Toddler Pressure while trying to find tube socks, is declared unsafe and recalled. We might hear about it on the news or read it in a magazine months after the recall has been announced. Sometimes we don't hear about it at all.

Even if you have no little ones running around, you'd still want to know immediately if your stove is about to explode. Right? Of course, right.

Visit the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission to sign up for email announcements. Yes, it's a free service and you will hear about the recall long before mainstream media decides to crawl out of Angelina Jolie's uterus and print something worthwhile.

And after posts about my breasts and tuchis, I know a thing or two about worthwhile writing.

Sounds the Same

We try to have intelligent conversations in our house. We really do. At dinnertime, I usually talk about current events and ways a Democratic White House would make everything better. My babies’ daddy (love the way that sounds) covers all things sports while the boys 'fess up to antics at school. However, sometime between dessert and teeth-brushing, the conversation usually takes a turn for the worst:

Oldest Son: There’s a pizza covered with ants in the middle of the road. I “one” it.

Husband: I “two” it.

Youngest Son: I “three” it.

And so on until the inevitable:

Husband: I “eight” it.

Both Sons: Eww, you ate it! Gross.

All three erupt into raucous laughter. I try to look stern and show disapproval, but that only makes them laugh harder. Besides, I have no credibility anymore. For an hour yesterday, my males worked hard on a model of the solar system for a kindergarten project. Out of nowhere, my oldest said,

“Mom, your anus is looking good.”

I smiled and said,

“Thanks sweetheart! I try my best!”

Awkward pause.

“He’s talking about the planet, Katie,” my husband said, trying to look stern and show disapproval as I laughed with my tongue out for five minutes straight.

I know. Family of the year.

Catching On

This article says what supporters have known for years - Jim Davis is a unifying force for Democrats. He continues to reach out and bring people back to the party. In turn, voters re-pay Jim by re-electing him - year after year after year.

This United States Congressman appeals to folks all along the spectrum - moderates, liberals, and conservatives like what they see.

An exerpt: Davis, 49, is a moderate who can win in North Florida. Yet, he isn't abandoning the Democratic base in South Florida. Gay leaders like Michael Albetta of Fort Lauderdale are backing him.

The article also goes on to say: Davis is the only candidate for governor in either major party with nine years of experience at the federal level, vital at a time when the state needs cooperation from Washington to solve problems.

Click here for the entire article. I suspect as Jim continues traveling the state, more people will return to their roots in the party of the people. They will recognize that Jim Davis, with connections to many different communities both in Florida and the nation, is the one to lead our state into the future.

A future where we all belong.

From Top to Bottom

For the past year, I’ve been battling low platelet disease. Don’t cue up violins just yet; watching Alito’s confirmation hearings will probably kill me before ITP. Although my blood issue prevents another pregnancy, nothing more negative has come of it. Instead, quite the opposite.

I’ve attempted to chronicle such struggles (pun intended) with humor – humor and pictures that might get me disowned, but humor nonetheless. A few months ago, Doctor Love prescribed iron supplements to pump up my platelets. Are we all familiar with iron’s added benefits? Much to my parents’ chagrin, people must feel my pain because this particular entry has brought in many new readers. Especially from places like Wisconsin and Minnesota. Makes sense, I suppose. The Midwest is binding.

Who knew constipation was a uniting theme? This humble little lady…okay, ‘lady’ is stretching it...from Wesley Chapel has written an item getting forwarded all over the country. Could the rest of the world be far behind? (Again, pun intended.) My piece on prune juice won’t ever win a Pulitzer, but if I’m lucky it might land in a museum someday along with posts promising a fortune from Europe or emails warning women about perverts armed with perfume samples.

What a week! A story about my breasts appears in The St. Petersburg Times and a story about my tuchis appears in strangers’ inboxes from here to Sacramento. Little girls, listen up: Dreams can come true.

Whom should I thank?

Dare to Do

There are plenty of ways to pay tribute to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. this weekend. In the Tampa Bay area alone, events scheduled all weekend include the entire family. I'll be downtown Monday afternoon with my children showing them a thing or two about the reason for this particular season.

However, I can't help but wonder: Is a parade and celebration the best way to honor Dr. King? Go ahead and roll your eyes, but consider this: Dr. King talked about dreams and ways to make them come true. What would he do with a day off?

Unfortunately, many places require young volunteers to be at least twelve years old. My kids have another six to go. However, if old enough and so inclined, call the Tampa-Hillsborough Urban League at 229.8117 and see if there isn't some way you can help. In your own corner of the world there are ways to contribute and push a stroller at the same time. Go downtown and:

-- Clean up a park.

-- Bring old books and magazines to any assisted-living facility or homeless shelter.

-- Take some stuff you were saving for a garage sale and donate the items to Goodwill instead.

-- Serve food at a soup kitchen.

-- Take your kids to a nursing home and let them hang out with older folks. The stories are better than anything showing on television.

These are just some ideas. Feel free to come up with your own and do some good for the neighborhood.

And My Zodiac Sign is Scorpio

This Sunday, The St. Petersburg Times will print one of my essays on the front page of the Floridian section. Hopefully they won't change their minds and stick it back in classifieds where Aunt Martha is selling her cabbage plate to the highest bidder.

When these yahoos happen, oftentimes the editor asks me to submit a sentence about myself. I like to be succinct, but just one sentence? What should I highlight in less than a dozen words: favorite smells, silly quirks or interesting quotes from my high school yearbook? Perhaps I should focus on a unique ability to drink grown men under the table. What about my flexibility in both a physical sense and when evaluating others’ moral values?

Think about how you’d sum up yourself in one sentence. What would you say and what would you leave out? These were my choices:

Catherine Durkin Robinson

--Talks a good game but cried like a schoolgirl watching The Family Stone.

--Enjoys moonlit walks, fast-paced arguments, physical confrontations – and those are her good qualities.

--Talked like a grown-up until Elmo and Friends sucked out her brain.

--Spends random evenings drooling over Mandy Patinkin in Yentl while wearing a mud mask and flossing her teeth.

--To know her is to love her – more than if you just saw her on the street – then not so much.

--Is a Jewish mother, wife, friend, teacher, political activist, writer, of Irish descent and all-around pain in the ass.

--Can’t iron or cook worth a damn.

--Loves her some Beastie Boys.

I could go on and on. Literally. The sentence I ultimately submitted isn't crass or alienating. My writing alone accomplishes that so I tried to describe myself in a semi-normal way.

Look for it Sunday and try not to laugh. I dare ya.

Current Events

Happenings in Tallahassee affect us here in Tampa and deserve attention. For once I have no opinion either way, YET, so if you feel strongly about these issues please enlighten me.

--The Florida House of Representatives are allowing a bill out of committee that would delay the start of school. Currently, students return at the beginning of August. If passed, this bill would require schools to begin the year no earlier than the week before Labor Day.

People who support this bill do so because August is the hottest month and right in the middle of hurricane season. Their argument goes that putting kids in a classroom at that time of year is dangerous. People in favor of an early August start date insist more time is needed to prepare for FCAT. This schedule also allows first semester to end as we leave for winter break, we pick up second semester at the beginning of January, and no one has to spend Christmas studying for midterm exams.

August is the hottest month so why isn't an air-conditioned classroom the best place to spend it? However, we could always move FCAT testing so our summer vacation is in synch with the rest of the country.

--The second issue involves our incredibly large school districts. The Florida House also moved a bill out of committee that will allow voters to split districts serving more than 45,000 students into a much more manageable size of 20,000 students. The amendment could hit ballots this fall.

Hillsborough County is one of the largest school districts in the country. A huge bureaucracy is difficult to manage and control. It also makes for fewer schools. However, if split in a hurry without proper planning and foresight, the poorest areas and students would fall even further behind.

Like everything else, we need to do this right or not at all.

Another Leftie to Love

Yesterday was a rough day for hockey fans. A dark day. A sad day.

Dave Andreychuk has been waived from the Lightning. There is a pit inside my stomach that will not go away. The man who carried this team to a national championship, who dared the rest of us to dream, who whipped younger players into shape...oh, I suppose we still have Martin St. Louis and Fredrik Modin and the rest of them...but it won't be the same.

I can no longer go to a game and search the bench or rink for #25. An era has come to an end.

Ahh, well. I still have the memories. It will have to do.

The Eye of the Beholder

Only Republicans could screw up an act protecting women.

Last Thursday, Bush made it illegal to post annoying messages on the Web or send annoying emails anonymously. He buried this nonsense in the Violence Against Women and Department of Justice Reauthorization Act.

Since when is ‘intent to annoy’ an offense so grievous it deserves fines and jail time? The people who created reality television better watch out! A certain website sends anonymous emails to people who singe nose hairs with their bad breath, telling them toothpaste is their friend. Are these good samaritans helping the rest of us deal with Milk Mouth subject to arrest at this point? What about bloggers who use an initial and post obnoxious messages that belie their true feelings of love for an ideologically-opposed writer? Surely such a lack of original thought annoys someone, right?

People who hate the American Civil Liberties Union certainly give this valuable organization more reason than ever to stick around and fight.

The law's exact language: "Whoever...utilizes any device or software that can be used to originate telecommunications or other types of communications that are transmitted, in whole or in part, by the Internet... without disclosing his identity and with intent to annoy, abuse, threaten, or harass any person...who receives the communications...shall be fined under title 18 or imprisoned not more than two years, or both."

I’m not sure when President Bush decided the Constitution wasn’t important enough to uphold, but enough is enough. First torture, then spying, now this? Our personal freedoms are at stake (yes, we are and ought to be free to annoy) and Dumbya, the one against a growing government (remember?), ought to direct Justice not to enforce this ridiculous law.

I like annoying emails and posts so keep them coming. I promise not to have you arrested 'til you go after my hair.

"Adolescence is a marketing ploy."

As a parent, I’d like to think my style more closely resembles that of my own mother and grandmother (two best moms I know) rather than a character from a movie. However, I do have my favorite Movie Mom:

Frances McDormand from Almost Famous. She’s the best on-screen portrayal of a socially conscious, smart and funny modern mother. Love her. ("Look at this: an entire generation of Cinderellas and no glass slipper.")

Some other moms with whom I relate and adore:

Dianne Wiest – Parenthood

Olympia Dukakis – Moonstruck

Husband picked Shirley MacClaine from Terms of Endearment.

Father-in-law picked Kathy Bates from Waterboy.

I know there are more...

Katie's Choice

I don’t know and I can’t decide. How can one make such an impossible choice? It’s almost like trying to pick which kid you’ll keep and which you’ll hand over to German soldiers. Sort of. In a way.

Here’s my quandary: Do I keep XM Radio and continue enjoying Mark Riley in the morning and (my absolute favorite) Randi Rhodes in the afternoon OR do I switch with my husband and listen to Sirius and all-time greatest Hunk of Man: Howard Stern?

Air America or The Whack Pack? Randi or Robin? My head hurts from all this thinking.

01.07.00

On this day back in 2000, two wonderful little boys entered the world.

Funny story: I actually went into labor a week beforehand. Ain't that something? I happened to be in the doctor's office due to gestational diabetes (I loved me some apple juice) and my nurse asked if I felt okay.

"Gas cramps," I said.

"Gas cramps?" my nurse asked. "Come into my office, put up your legs and let's have a look."

I'd have been more thrilled with such a request if I hadn't been eighty pounds overweight. Anyhoo, turns out I was dialated and in labor and never even knew it. How's that for being one tough b*tch? Oh, wait. This was supposed to be about my children.

By the time January 7th rolled around, I was ready to pop. Twin A positioned himself feet first so they had to perform a C-section. I felt sad because I had planned to give birth underwater with candles burning nearby and soft music playing in the speakers overhead. Although my husband may have needed a sedative, the rest of us were going to experience the entire event drug-free. However, the Lord had other plans. When doctors gave me an epidural and asked how my legs felt, I truthfully answered,

"Hairy."

At 11:24, my oldest was out and about. At 11:27, my youngest joined the crew. They were beautiful and strong-willed from the beginning. Within twenty-four hours, both pulled out their feeding tubes and were ready to hit the high road. I should have known then that my hands would be full for the rest of my life.

Six years ago today. And I've been the luckiest mom in the world ever since.

Pet This

The country’s largest teachers’ union, National Education Association, has been donating money to left-leaning organizations. This is news?

Disclosure: I'm a pro-union teacher who does not belong to a union. Why would I join a group that only gets us a whopping 2% increase each year? Most educators join because they want protection if they're sued. As far as I’m concerned, that's too much money to throw away on a what-if scenario. I'm pro-union in general because unions have done a lot for our country and worker's rights. The ability to organize and bargain collectively is the only way to get management's attention. I’ve got family in the teamsters. I loved Norma Rae. I’m Jewish. Of course I’m pro-union.

Anyway, the Wall Street Journal is up in arms. They rant and rave over NEA giving money to liberal groups as if they can’t believe the outrage, the horror! They also credit the current Secretary of Labor for pushing through new rules that say unions must disclose their spending to the public and, most importantly, dues-paying members. Unions should disclose their spending. Members paying a hundred bucks each paycheck deserve to know where the money goes. If a union can't conduct affairs in the open, then perhaps they deserve to be exposed. Members will either be thrilled with these partnerships and continue supporting them or they will drop out. Still. It’s their money and they’re entitled to “throw it away” or “invest in Democratic ideals”. It’s up to them.

However, the WSJ failed to disclose a few things themselves.

They claim dues are mandatory. Not true. Oh, sure, they’re mandatory if you want to join. However, teachers can work without joining up and not a penny is deducted from their paycheck.

Also, union members typically vote on where to donate union money. The article doesn’t mention that either. Perhaps the right-wing journalist(s) would be just as angry if the beneficiaries had been conservative groups like the Heritage Foundation, but the article seemed most incensed about liberals getting the loot. Most educators are educated themselves, committed to helping people, and spend a majority of their time with the future of our country. No one should be surprised when they vote Democratic, give to like-minded institutions, and enjoy decent karma. Is anyone shocked when business leaders spend money fighting unions, joining country clubs that keep everyone else out or donate to groups working to get even more money away from working people? Of course not; right-wingers are only doing what comes naturally to them: screwing the disenfranchised. And teachers try to make the world a better place – by teaching, organizing and giving to groups that share the same focus. We all have our priorities.

They gave money to Amnesty International and AIDS Walk Washington? Those bastards! Maybe I should join the NEA after all.

Me and My Crystal Ball

Predictions for 2006:

--I lose my mind. For sure this time.

--Indianapolis Colts win the Super Bowl and Peyton Manning takes off his shirt in celebration.

--My children talk so much they literally run out of breath.

--Jim Davis wins the election in November. I sing the National Anthem at Davis’ Victory Party and several partygoers sue for unspecified damages.

--A horrible person is found guilty for the last time.

--Grieving family members of deceased miners in West Virginia realize maybe a union and mining regulations aren’t so bad.

--George Bush continues to ignore our Constitution, Bill of Rights, and common decency.

--Bill O’Reilly strokes out on national television. (Fingers crossed!)

--That hottie Samberg from “Lazy Sunday” replaces Jon Stewart in several nocturnal dream sequences. Double true!

--I realize a 45-minute commute to once again work with warm and wonderful professionals is not that long a drive after all.

Feel free to add your own or bask in my brilliance. Whichever you'd prefer.

Nothing Personal. Really.

Sexfiend says, "What?"

Oh, that's right. You said, "Falafel." I keep forgetting.

Bill O'Reilly loves him some President Bush, doesn't he? Gonna lay down the law like a big man! Billy's so hot when he's threatening journalists on national television. I gotta go stick an ice cube down my pants.

Rock on with your bad self.

The Greatest Show on Earth?

This week, the circus is coming to town.

My children will not attend. Surprised? Call the authorities if you must, but we can't participate in anything that makes mommy throw up. Many meat-eaters justify their dinner-time decisions because they don't know...not for sure anyway...that the dead animal was tortured beforehand. Besides, a person's got to eat. Fine.

We know for sure Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus treats their animals with cruelty. Such abuse has been documented, filmed, and filed away. Don't believe PETA? Okay, check this out.

Does anyone out there really think animals were put here for our entertainment? If you believe in God, do you also believe animal abuse is ordained or excused? I'd like to hear justification for teaching children that torturing God's creatures is wholesome family fun.

Still pro-choice across the board, but this kind of sh*t is deplorable. Period.

Let’s End This Nicely

I’ve covered bad and ugly; what about the good that happened in 2005? Just one more look back and I’ll be ready to move on. Pinky-swear.

Here are happy happenings from last year. At first, I thought about including only events that hurt no one at all, but then I realized I’d have only one or two items to talk about. So I opened up the list to include anything good – feel free to add whatever I’ve missed in the comments section or, as always, through anonymous hate mail.

On the bright side, I:

--Felt alive.

--No longer had to justify my love for Sarah Silverman, Lewis Black, or Kathy Griffin. B*tches blew up last year!

--Made new friends and reconnected with old ones.

--Hugged and kissed my kids.

--Suffered no disfiguring car accidents.

--Renewed wedding vows under a chuppa this time with a real, honest-to-goodness Rabbi, which means my children are finally legitimate and my husband is sticking with me. For a while anyway.

--Enjoyed self-satisfaction that comes with the rest of the country realizing Bush is bad, bad, bad. Finally someone agrees with me.

--Looked into your eyes and fell in love all over again.

--Told the truth.

--Lived to see Karl Rove cement his place in hell. Oh, wait. I don’t believe in hell. Damn.

--Watched my children get smarter and sweeter. And bolder. And more opinionated.

--Laughed through it all.

--Affected you. And you affected me, too.

It wasn’t so bad after all.

Here's to an even better tomorrow

Any good resolutions out there? No one I know is taking the "resolution thing" seriously.

I get smartass answers when I ask adults about this annual tradition and my children have no idea what I'm talking about. What happened to the days where we promised to lose ten pounds, go for that promotion at work, or stop banging guys who can't commit?

I'm gonna make several resolutions to pick up the slack I see around me. In 2006, I promise to:

1) Work hard ensuring Democratic victories in November, especially for Jim Davis so we can improve education, protect our coast once and for all, and lower property taxes for a struggling middle class.

2) Quit with the shoes and get serious about saving so Magic Man can return my body to its former glory. The madness must end. Maybe this summer?

3) Smile at a conservative at least once a day. Even if it hurts.

4) Listen more, talk less.

5) Be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend. It's the least I can do.