I Am Exactly What I Want to Be

The Proust Questionnaire is an interview that ends every issue of Vanity Fair. Granted - those who answer are way more interesting than I am.

Still. It's a good way to end the year.

Feel free to answer these yourselves and either post or email your answers. I eat you up - friends, family, and readers who think you are interesting enough to approach me. Keep it coming.

Happy New Year.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Getting involved. Eating graham crackers and warm milk when the weather is frightful. And orgasms. They rock.

Which historical figure do you most identify
with?
Harriet Tubman and Moses. For obvious reasons.

Which living person do you most admire?
His Holiness The Dalai Lama.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Those rare moments when I'm judgmental.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Judgmental fools - live and let live, peeps.

What is your greatest extravagance?
A Brazilian wax every three weeks.

What is your favorite journey?
When information travels through my ears, is understood, absorbed, then out my mouth at just the right moment.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Modesty.

On what occasion do you lie?
The last time I really lied was when I pretended to graduate from high school. Since then, I don't *lie* so much as keep sh*t to myself. Sin of omission - big fan!

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My boys did a number on my breasts and belly - but all that will change (hopefully) March 19th, 2007 when Dr. Berger works his plastic surgery magic. Afterwards I'll obsess about my Irish jaw and sensitive skin. Can't wait.

Which living person do you most despise?
Mel Gibson. Dick Cheney. Karl Rove. And anyone who despises
me.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Suck it.

What is your greatest regret?
No regrets yet. Give me time.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Me. Who'd ya think I'd say? You?

Which talent would you most like to have?
I'd like to be able to carry a tune. I also wish I could still put my ankles
behind my ears.

What is your current state of mind?
I'm lookin' Floridian, but feelin' Coloradoan.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
I love them just the way they are.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Provided my two sons lay off the sauce, they will be it.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would
be?
Me - only new and improved. A novelist, maybe.

What is your most treasured possession?
Knowledge.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Not having the balls to act.

Where would you like to live?
Colorado Springs, please. (But really Boston.)

What is your favorite occupation?
Teacher, writer, mommyness. And I'm all three.

What is your most marked characteristic?
Laughing with my tongue out.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Kindness, humor, intelligence, oh and he reads my site

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Kindness, humor, intelligence, oh and she reads my site

What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty and love (oh, and they read my site, too)

Who are your favorite writers?
Harper Lee, Maureen Dowd, Al Franken, Cameron Crowe

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Scout (To Kill a Mockingbird), Tom Joad (Grapes of Wrath), and Conor Larkin (Trinity).

Who are your heroes in real life?
Nana, Mom, and Husband. Plus those people who commit random acts of kindness without bragging about it on Oprah.

What are your favorite names?
The names of my children and Norah.

What is it that you most dislike?
Unjustified cruelty. And when people call me Cathy.

How would you like to die?
Fighting the good fight.

What is your motto?
You're not the boss of me.

Rock this Joint in the Old School Way

From an email I received.

I don't normally look back with rose-colored glasses. With the exception of our dying planet, conditions tend to *improve* with time. However, these entries make a point about our school system and the way we sometimes make mountains out of molehills.

Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1973: Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his gun to show Jack.
2006: School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail. Never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1973: Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
2006: Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charged with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1973: Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006: Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Billy breaks a window in his fathers car and gets a whipping.
1973: Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, becomes a successful businessman.
2006: Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist.

Mark gets a headache and takes some medicine to school.
1973: Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006: Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Johnny falls during recess and teacher, Mary, hugs him to comfort him.
1973: In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006: Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. Faces 3 years in State Prison.

What is Goin' On?

Tonight, as news of Saddam's execution is covered with glee in the mainstream media, I must point out that more civilians have been killed in Iraq since Bush ordered his invasion than Americans killed on 9/11.

It begs the question: Who's the bad guy - Hussein, bin Laden, or Bush?

The Best that You Can Get

There is so much to enjoy about winter weather...

So enjoy.

Some Words That Apply to Us

Last week, the Trib printed my op-ed regarding an increase in teacher workload.

You all responded:

"Rock on with your bad self."
-Jeff

"Teachers cannot get by with less than an hour of planning time every day. I believe every teacher and administrator knows this. Let me know when you plan to run for State Senate as I want to join your campaign team!"
- Dave

"Thanks for getting our concerns out to the public."
- Paul

"Great article!! Do you really suggest dropping out of CTA, however? As lousy as they are, they are all we have for bargaining for raises...Convince me to drop out."
- Ron

"Nice job."
- Sue

"Clearly, the spirit of the classroom-size-reduction law is not being followed. I do not believe those who voted for the amendment wanted the burden to be put on teachers. In fact, the spirit of the law is for teachers and students to have a classroom environment more conducive to learning. "
- Steve

*Moderate* and some creep commenter at Sticks were the only ones with any criticism. However, I must ask my fellow teachers:

Did you write a letter to the editor? Did you organize a rally with like-minded educators? Will you attend a school board meeting? Did you cancel union membership? Did you do anything at all besides bellyache through the holidays about your lot in life?

If not, then shut the f*ck up already and do something. For once.

Here We Go Again

from today's Gazette -

Snow is expected to start falling after 2 p.m., and it might continue through
Saturday, according to the National Weather Service forecast. Up to a foot
of new snow is possible by the time the latest storm is done. The high
temperature is expected to hit 36 degrees.

Yet another opportunity for me to play in the snow.

Wearing only a t-shirt and underwear is better than looking like this:

Here We Go

Tomorrow John Edwards will announce that he is running for President of the United States. His vision includes:

• Providing moral leadership in the world -- starting with Iraq, where we should begin drawing down troops, not escalating the war
• Strengthening our middle class and ending the shame of poverty
• Guaranteeing health care for every single American
• Leading the fight against global warming
• Getting America and the world to break our addiction to oil

Sounds good to me.

A Year and A Day

Do you get annual newsletters so pretentious you want to scream? Me, too. Therefore I send one every year just to make people laugh. If you didn't get one, I don't have your address. Send it along and you, too, can share in the joy of my family's accomplishments.

Or read it here. Completely up to you.

Our Annual Year in Pee-Yoo

Let's look back at 2006 just one more time before the meds kick in. Here we go:

JANUARY: Husband gets new job - no longer surrounded by menopausal women. Much rejoicing. New job folds two weeks later. The boys turn 6 and must learn a trade. I write about my breasts for The St. Petersburg Times. Mom is thrilled.

FEBRUARY: Husband gets job offer in Colorado Springs. That lovely retreat just north of intolerance, to the west of bigotry. Upside: Becky, Sister-in-law, and Sister live close by. Downside: Becky, Sister-in-law, and Sister live close by. Bio Dad gets in touch after 15 years of peace and quiet. Seems he found my site and decided to reach out. Gotta love Google.

MARCH: Husband leaves for Colorado and moves in with Becky and He Who Owns. I begin romantic relationship with battery-operated machinery. Host house party for Jim Davis, proving a political event in Pasco County does not have to include farm animals, pick-up trucks, or guests with missing teeth. The boys and I go to Colorado Springs for Spring Break. Kids love the snow and I relate to the cold. Plan to sell house back in Tampa, hoping to be reunited as a family, come summertime. Next day, ten-year real estate boom tanks. God heard laughing his ass off.

APRIL: I consult plastic surgeon and begin saving for $20K tummy tuck/breast reduction procedure. Husband pretends I'm perfect then contemplates selling a kid or kidney to pay for it. The Tampa Tribune prints story about vegetarian Jews in the Bay area - all two of us. Runs my picture on the front page. Circulation drops by 40%.

MAY: I undergo hernia surgery and alienate half the nursing staff at St. Joe's Hospital. Seems they don't respond well to requests for beer. Summer begins and I embark on Goodbye Tour that never ends. Husband continues to come home for monthly conjugal visits and is thrilled that "relations" have increased in frequency.

JUNE: I learn to shoot guns - because nothing is scarier than a well-armed liberal. Also stuck talking to six year olds all day. Husband turns 38 and "accidentally" finds naked pictures of Becky. Best gift in fifteen years. House still hasn't sold, but we're hopeful. Attend Husband's 20th high school reunion before leaving for the Wild West. Plan to never return. So long suckers!

JULY: Minivan dies in Melbourne along with my remaining good will. Camcorder and DVD player are stolen. Youngest is heard mumbling, "F*ck Florida." Finally, vehicle is fixed and we make it to The Springs without following through on divorce proceedings. Move in with Becky and prepare for demise of 23+ year friendship. Husband and He Who Owns stock wine cellar and act interested when "Woody Miller" story comes up for 156th time.

Three weeks later, I get a job offer in Tampa. Becky pretends to cry as I head back to Florida with the kids. Dad meets us in Missouri and sleeps the rest of the way home. Threatens to hitchhike in Tennessee when I won't stop for unscheduled bathroom breaks.

AUGUST: I am back at Superior High School. Boys start 1st grade and begin asking more questions about sex, drugs, and Jesus. Loving public school. Husband enjoys football season, downtime, and the Internet. Pretends to miss my to-do lists.

SEPTEMBER: Jim Davis wins primary. We lower price of house and offer two healthy boys as incentive. No takers. Yet.

OCTOBER: Breast cancer foundation asks local bloggers and writers to donate pictures of their breasts. I get involved. Mom is thrilled. Site views increase and new friends are made. Foundation raises ten bucks. Husband flies home to surprise me for 11th wedding anniversary. New friends are told to "cool it" for three days.

NOVEMBER: Election ends with Charlie Crist as Florida's new governor. I turn 37 and Husband stops taking my phone calls.

DECEMBER: After Sister and Brother-in-Law sign waivers promising new baby will not be a "talker" or registered Republican - brand new nephew is welcomed into the world. Kid takes one look at everyone and tries to go back inside. I'm with him.

Here's to a peaceful and prosperous 2007. Wait. What's that I hear?

God - still laughing his ass off.

"I Want to Enjoy the Fruits of My Labor"

You can take the cowboy out of Texas...


but you can't take Texas out of the cowboy.

Your Midlife Crisis War Unfolds

And don't you want it? I do.

I want an end to:

- American imperialism because we're not doing it right.

- cracked heels. But that's another post.

- death, death, and more death.

- separated families.

- wars for oil.

- incompetence.

- mismanagement.

And to all a good night.

Come of Age

I grew up Catholic and believing in Santa. Want proof? Here ya go.

And here's another. Circa 1981.


Merry Christmas.

Posse in Effect

It's always scary meeting online friends. A year or so ago, I remember being mildly surprised that Tommy and Brett were not the types who lived in their parents' basements. Not really, anyway.

Of course, the rest of the Sticks crew made me realize that the Internet appeals to more than the just the people who send anonymous hate mail. And a few of you have made the meeting process even more than extremely enjoyable. Still. The idea is sometimes frightening.

I'm not alone. Others have expressed the same trepidation with me.

"Are you normal?"

"Is your hair really that big?"

"Own all your own teeth?"

No worries, folks. I know how to clean up, make eye contact and laugh appropriately at all the right moments. I'm a godd*mn delight.

And so it was that Husband and I went out last night with another transplanted Tampa-to-Colorado couple: Chase Squires and his lovely wife Saralee.

I used to read Chase's work regularly in The St. Petersburg Times. So sad when he left the bay area last year. Yet he somehow caught wind of my site and realized we were both moving to the same state. An online best buddy was born. It's about time we made each other's acquaintance in person.

We had a fun double date. Chase showed off Denver with all the pride of someone who's been here for years instead of months. He and Saralee had better luck selling their home back in Z-hills and offered up several ideas, imploring us to "get out of Florida once and for all."

While Chase bought round after round, and even our dinner, we talked about everything: trail running, politics, vasectomies, plastic surgery, tattoos, and tennis. My head is so much bigger than his - but he was polite enough not to notice.

This is the beginning of a wacky, western friendship.

From Expensive Men

For those last minute shoppers.

Best. Gift. Ever.

Just so you know.

Lay It On Me

Yesterday we drove from The Springs to Denver and witnessed more than a few cars covered in snow. The roads in and around Denver were plowed only a little - so we slipped and slid to sister-in-law's house. I called sister and brother-in-law and offered to care for my newborn nephew all night long.

"Come get me!" I said.

They arrived in less than fifteen minutes.

Never underestimate the will power of a sleep-deprived couple in need of a babysitter.

The little angel slept all night and left me little to write about. He's an angel. So I got to thinking about my favorite Christmas movies. (What? A Jew can't appreciate Dickens? In more ways than one, peeps.)

These are in no particular order. Depends on my mood.

- A Christmas Carol: The 1938 version is the best. Accept no substitutes.

- Scrooged: "Nobody gets me." This movie also has sentimental value because I watched it on television, July, 1999, when I took a pregnancy test and discovered I was with child(ren).

- A Christmas Story: Love the scene where Ralphie finally lets loose on Farkus and then cries when his mother arrives. Only a Mommy with a little boy can fully appreciate that look and it still gets me. Every. Single. Time.

- A Charlie Brown Christmas: "Real estate."

- It's a Wonderful Life: "We don't need any characters to give the joint atmosphere."

I need some nog.

On the Microphone, You Know that I'm at Home

Conservatives have allowed religious whackjobs to hijack their movement. Dig on this: Ten Principles of Conservatism. I've taken the liberty of publishing these so-called principles with what they *didn't say* in bold.

No really. It was my pleasure. Gotta do something while the weather is frightful.

1. God’s Law Governs Nations as Well as Men.
The Ten Commandments should not only be enshrined in our courthouses, they should be engraved in our hearts and minds as guides to all behavior, public and private. This doesn't apply to our elected officials or pastors. Obviously. As the Founders acknowledged in the Declaration of Independence, laws and policies that violate the natural law are abuses of government power that must be resisted and reversed. I haven't actually *read* the Declaration of Independence. I was homeschooled.

2. Life Is the First God-Given Right
It’s always wrong to deliberately take an innocent human life. When this principle is abridged, violence escalates. Thus we have aborted 47 million unborn babies in the past three decades, begun to accept euthanasia and doctor-assisted suicide, and stand at the threshold of cloning human beings for the specific purpose of killing them. I learned all about this on The Sci-Fi Channel. Again. Homeschooled.

3. Marriage and Family Come Before the State and Deserve Its Protection
The marriage of one man and one woman is the natural foundation of all human society, except in P-Town, and the means by which children ought to be brought into the world and taught the basic values of our civilization. Government has a duty to recognize and protect the family and must not grant alternative relationships the same status and privileges. Back of the bus, homos!

4. Freedom of Conscience is the Soul of Liberty
Understanding that freedom of conscience is at the heart of liberty, the Framers protected freedom of religion and assembly in the 1st Amendment. Movements to force the Boy Scouts to accept homosexual scout masters, or to compel religious individuals or organizations to distribute birth control or abortion drugs against their beliefs, directly attack these freedoms. Gay men and sluts - f*ck em! They don't deserve any protections or freedoms. Can I get an "Amen"?

5. Private Property is the Servant of Freedom
The more that individuals, families and businesses can acquire and control the goods necessary to sustain and advance themselves, the more autonomy they will have from the state and others who may wish to unjustly restrict their freedom to bring weapons to work and pray in school. The free and responsible use of private property tends to create greater wealth and greater freedom for greater numbers of people. Learn more in my DVD series, "How to Become Mega-Rich: First, Take a Million Dollars..."

6. Government Dependency is the Seed of Tyranny
The more that individuals, families and businesses are dependent on the state for the goods necessary to sustain and advance themselves, the less autonomy they will have from the state and others who may wish to unjustly restrict their freedom. This is why expanding the welfare state is bad, and Social Security personal retirement accounts, Health Savings Accounts and school choice are good. When we say so, the opposite applies: Reproductive freedom - bad; Defense contractors - good. Freedom to marry for everyone - bad; laws allowing us to shoot first and ask questions later - good. We clear?

7. The Constitution Means What It Says
Believing in the God-given rights of man (like when a man desires a woman - it's a gift from God, but when a man desires a man - it's the result of bad tequila the night of conception) and understanding the imperfect nature of human beings, the Framers crafted a Constitution designed to protect the former from the latter. Many of the problems in U.S. government would be resolved if the President, Congress and Courts limited themselves and each other to the authority the Constitution actually grants them. Don't bother with law school - too elitist. Just go to church and ask Pastor Ted about boundaries. He has all the answers.

8. Taxes Are Justified Only to Fund Necessary Government Spending
A massive and complex tax code has become a powerful weapon politicians can use to pressure citizens to behave as the politicians, or the interest groups that support the politicians, wish. The correct function of taxation is to equitably collect only that revenue needed to fund the legitimate activities of a constitutionally limited government. Like war. And wiretaps. Oh, and war.

9. National Defense Is Just That
The first duty of the federal government is to defend the American people against foreign enemies and the media. While advancing freedom in the world is good in itself, if oil is involved —and, where it prudently can be done, like Iraq - we're kicking ass over there - would advance the interests of the United States--ultimately, the mandate for our national leaders is to use whatever moral means they can to carve out that path in our relations with foreign powers that is most likely to lead to enhanced security, prosperity and freedom for this nation. And we're all about moral means. Ask Iraqi civilians and the prisoners at Gitmo. Praise Jesus.

10. We Should Strive to Give Our Children a Better Country
America is more than just an expanse of territory or a set of laws. We also have Wal-Mart and the Lord. It is a culture, whose art, architecture, journalism, music, movies, television, schools and universities, should reflect and reinforce the traditional values that made this country great. So let's burn down Harvard. We owe this to our children, who will build the America of tomorrow on the foundation of the America we teach them to love today. Traditional values ruled our great country before sh*t like the 14th Amendment, Civil Rights Laws, and Roe v. Wade f*cked it up for the rest of us. We need to go back to the days when white men were in charge, poor women died and everybody else played along or were beaten to a bloody pulp. You know, the good old days.

Peepin' Out the Colors

From a very dear friend:

In the season of giving and other good stuff, I am asking all my friends
who blog to help promote my mom’s new website. We are trying to spread the word
about her gallery and her paintings. If you are so inclined, I would appreciate
the favor. May the new year be full of blessing for you and your loved ones.

Plus she's Jewish. So nice!

Visit Nona's Gallery. Happy Chanukah!

Get off the Bus

A friend of mine read that a woman had been beaten on an Israeli bus. This friend thought to himself, "What have those wacky Muslims done now?" Then he discovered the woman in question was beaten by Jewish men. Such news surprised me, too.

I thought only Italian men hit women.

Oh, and Irish men.

And let's not forget the Russians.

But I digress.

Seems a 50 year-old religious American-Israeli didn't appreciate being told to sit in back of the bus. When she refused, a scuffle ensued with several Orthodox men beating her about the chest, face, and back.

I know. What would Moses do?

Some believe she should have observed the culture of her host country. Rubbish. Whether we're discussing the American south during the 1960s or Israel today, a cultural norm shouldn't be followed if its morally wrong. And whether we're discussing fundamentalist Christians, Muslims or Jews - they are often fundamentally wrong.

Miriam Shear might be the Israeli Rosa Parks. Believe it.

I'm in a Rhyme Zone; A Different Time Zone

Colorado Springs is experiencing a blizzard and sub-zero temps. Not sure which by-product of cold weather I'm enjoying more:

- hot chocolate-burned tongues
- dry skin
- trucks plowing snow outside bedroom window before Matt Lauer makes waking up an enjoyable proposition
- frozen snot
- spending half an hour bundling up children who stay outside ten minutes
- constantly erect nipples (big fan!)
- hat hair + static cling = frightened dinner party
- vaseline's many uses
- asking about grocery delivery services and getting awkward silence in response ("That's how they did it in Boston. You mean we have to drive in this weather?")

The Real Deal

For you.

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior
motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false
friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and
frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you
spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be
enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the
final analysis, it is between you and God;
It never was between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa

I've Got More Spice Than the Frugal Gourmet

After flying across country with two little boys, arriving in Colorado to snot-freezing weather and spending several hours with my newborn nephew - there's not a whole lot to blog about.

Jet lag. Kids hopped up on gelt. A precious baby that slept in my arms for the better part of five hours.

Who the hell wants to hear about that?

Never fear. I get by with a little help from my friends. And family. You know who you are. Sending funny holiday-related material that I can pass off as my own discovery.

Let's get started:

• Ladies - we are presented with this "gift" year after year after year. Not complaining. Big fan!
• Another song to add to my Chanukah Tunes (read: Adam Sandler) collection.
• And finally a blast from the past.

Keep the comedy coming because it's supposed to snow today and the boys were up at 5:30am looking for more gelt. Peace be with *me*.

Some Beastly Joys

When one contemplates the rural wreckage that is West Pasco County, images of cow pastures, keg parties and Klan rallies come to mind.

Menorahs? Not so much.

This Tuesday, December 19th at 6pm all that's going to change. Rebbe's in the house - davening, dreideling, and so much more. Unfortunately, the Robinson Crew can't make it. So tell Shlomo and Moshe I said hello. From Colorado. Freezing my ass off.

Chin up, peeps. I'll be back in two weeks. You all are stuck with me until June at least. So have fun Tuesday and enjoy the rest of Chanukah.

If you listen closely, I'm threatening to drop two boys out of a plane somewhere over Missouri.

h/t to Jeff

Funky Boss

Normally I run my nonsense here and at Sticks of Fire before submitting to local papers. However, this latest assault on teachers had me so infuriated that I rushed an op-ed off to The Tampa Tribune first.

Work schedules will change for high school teachers next year. Read my response.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Contemplation Time

I'm walking through the grocery store and can't help but notice something called a Chanukah House. Had to have it:


I take this confectionery contraption into work because it might melt in the car. Thinking back to certain declarations I've made against the combining of holidays, it occurs to me that sh*t might be shoveled my way for such a purchase.

"You've sold out!"

Beth's first words. We argue all day and into the next. I maintain this is not like putting up lights and attempting to assimilate. Beth and the rest of my girls aren't buying it.

I do believe people enjoy giving me sh*t. And that's all there is to it.

I've Got The Light Bulb Flashing At The Top Of My Head

"How the Grinchenberg F*cked Chanukah"

All week long the boys left voicemail messages akin to:

"Hi daddy, we really miss you. We love you. Three more days 'till Chanukah!"

"Hi daddy, it's me. Wish you were here. I miss and love you. Can't wait until Chanukah! Woo Hoo!"

They have been hearing Jingle Bells since Thanksgiving. Teachers don't really "do" menorahs so my children color pictures of Frosty instead. But we prepped them. They know they drill. Eight days of Chanukah. Starts Friday. And so on.

They get in the car on the way home last night and ask,

"Mommy, tonight is the first night of Chanukah, right?"

"Yes babies, tonight is latkes and songs and candles and books!"

Dead silence.

"Books?"

The moaning started off low, then it started to grow. Husband called and expected happiness. Instead he got wails.

"Wow, Kate, that's a bit of a shock."

"I like books. I don't understand the problem."

"Sure. Maybe tomorrow or something. The first night could be Fun Night, right? They've been looking forward to this all week. Clifford Gets Distemper is a bit of a downer. Just sayin'."

Okay, boys, repeat after me: Mommy doesn't mean to suck the fun out of everything. She just can't help herself.

After a heart-to-heart with my boys, we switched nights around and made last night: Fun Night. Then I worked some nuts and screws and put this sh*t together.



Now that's more like it.

My Little Slice of Life

Chanukah. Eight crazy nights.

In our house, we break it down with a different theme each evening. Try these ideas and add them to your own celebration:

1st Night - Books: They are a treasure and more valuable than jewelry. You heard me. Old, new, paperback, hard cover - doesn't matter. Whenever someone asks about movies for my children, I politely ask them to get books instead. A book is always better than the movie anyway.

2nd Night - Practical: Underwear. Socks. Sweaters. Important stuff.

3rd Night - Fun: Has to be something enjoyable. No other redeeming value necessary.

4th Night - Homemade: The gift must be our own creation. Poem. Rant. Rave. Or stick figures glued together and colored with Crayola's finest. More than likely these are future decorations to be stored away and taken out each December until the kids graduate college. Gifts that keep on giving.

5th Night - Charity: We bust open the piggy banks and donate some money to a worthy cause. We talk about why Joshua House, Mother Jones or the American Civil Liberties Union deserves our cash.

6th Night - Family: A gift we all can use and appreciate. No honey, this doesn't count. Nice try, though.

7th Night - Educational: Must *encourage* the use of brain cells. Not their destruction.

8th Night - Freebie: Whatever you want. Within reason. No honey, this doesn't count. Nice try, though.

Come up with some themes yourselves and don't forget to pass the latkes. Happy Chanukah!

You Reap What You Sow

Big changes in store for high schools in this area. Changes that will negatively affect all of us. My opinion is forthcoming.

Screwed, I tell ya. Screwed.

I'm In

Jim Davis will be on CNN this Thursday, Dec. 14, at 7 pm.

He will be a guest on Lou Dobbs' War on the Middle Class Town Hall, being held in Tampa.

Wanna relax in front of the television, eat popcorn and dream of what coulda been?

Me, too. See you then.

Song for Junior

A friend of mine is trying to raise money for this little boy named Joey,



by selling the following items to interested buyers. Joey's dad passed away a few years ago and his mom isn't in the picture, therefore all proceeds will go to Joey's college fund.

Buc's Jacket (XL)

Amp Soundwave 65 - Ibanez

Tama Rockstar - complete drumset

Extra pedals

Zildjian Cymbals-
16 in. Rock Crash
16 in. Acustom Rockcrash
16 in. Med Crash
20 in. Ping Ride
14 in. Hi Hat
8 in. Acustom Splash

Will sell pieces separate or together. Please contact Ken at 813-785-6939.

Go ahead and make him an offer. Or email this post to someone who might.

For Joey.

Happy Holidays.

Gettin' Live on the Spot

Updates are in order.

A while back, I related a story about my friend's miracle pregnancy. Her miracle baby girl is doing well and keeping everyone up at night. I do believe their circle is now complete.

And another has just begun.

Remember when my sister was looking forward to a serene and beautiful pregnancy? I tried to inject some reality, but she wouldn't listen. Good for her. She remained beautiful and positive and gave birth to my nephew last night.

Ah Yeah, That's Me

Years ago, my friends and I watched Broadcast News. Favorite scene: Holly Hunter tells her boss a thing or two and he says, "It must be nice to always believe you know better, to always think you're the smartest person in the room."

Holly Hunter cries and says, "No. It's awful."

My friends pointed at me and laughed. Yes. I'm so in touch with that emotion.

When people ask why I'm a vegetarian, I often say, "Got an hour?" Seriously, there are several reasons, but basically I don't dig on flesh because a vegetarian diet is better for my health, better for the animals, and better for the planet. If someone wants to rant that meat doesn't do harm to heart, arteries, blood pressure and sex drive, I point to the other reasons. Someone else attacks the idea that animals weren't put here for our consumption, fine. What about the other issues?

Now there is news that backs up my third point. Eating dead animals harms our home.

I am always right. And it's a damn tough burden to bear.

Old School Flavor

'Tis the season for this particular blast from the past.

Enjoy.

Or not. Completely up to you.

Riddle Me This, My Brother

I had this conversation with Bro Mein last night:

Me: (answering the phone) Brother.

Him: Husband is in Colorado. Kids are with Grandpa. And you're at home? What the f*ck, Kate. Spitfire Grill on cable?

Me: I'm going out.

Him: Yeah. To Blockbuster. So, our sister still pregnant?

Me: Due any second. I have some news.

Him: Hit me.

Me: A family from Great Britain wants to rent our house for a year.

Him: Yeah?

Me: Yeah, well, we'll see what happens. They say they want the house by the end of
December, but they gotta check out, cough up the dough. They might even want to
up the rent if we leave everything here.

Him: You willing to part with your sh*t for a whole year? What about that f*cked up chair and your Bon Jovi collection?

Me: They're not getting my toys. Otherwise I'm fine with at least six months of not having to pay storage.

Him: And what happens to you?

Me: I'll stay here.

Him: Yeah. Where's here?

Me: Tampa. I gave my word at work to stay until June.

Him: I'll ask again, where's here?

Me: Well, husband wants me and the boys to move in with mom and dad. Bank some money.

Him: Yeah he does.

Me: I can't live with dad.

Him: Yeah you can.

Me: No really. Much love for the man, but I can't live with dad for a week much less six months.

Him: Enough Xanax and you can live with anyone.

Me: It's beyond the realm of possibility.

Him: You'd live with Charlie Crist to save a buck. Put the boys in my room. I got rid of my old Playboys.

Me: Not happening.

Him: I'm going to call in a month and say, "Is that pot roast I smell?"

Me: Funny.

Him: "I gave my word at work!"

Me: Shut up.

Him: "Is that dad snoring - across the house?"

(pause)

Him: "I gave my word!"

Me: Okay, fag. I gotta go.

Him: Have fun tonight. I'll call you tomorrow.

The fun continues...

All I Really Want is Girls

For a good laugh, visit Jeff's defense of funny females. The first clip alone, from My Name is Earl, will give you lasting giggles.

Amazingly, Jeff includes every woman who's ever made me laugh hysterically. I do believe Kathy Griffin is the only missing link. So here she is.

And yes I'm in there, too. Which means Jeff is back on my list. To hell with processed cheese spray.

Chosen Bound

Don't hate us because we're smart, funny, and great in bed.

We're better than you in more ways than that.

Mazel Tov!

Don't Even Get Me Started...

What a difference a day makes.

Youngest says, "I love you, Mommy," and gives me this creation.


Oldest shows me his love letter.

That's sweetest to me and you.

Who's teary-eyed now?

Smoke the Holy Chalice

This child's views on culture and religion is causing quite an uproar. Of course, Bill O'Reilly is crying child abuse.

Watch this trailer and weigh in: Is there a difference between the two?

Which is worse?

Explain it to me, please. I'd love for you to try.

All This Cheese Gonna Make Me Cry

I'm about done with emotional males. I mean, enough already.

Take this for what it's worth, I'm an acting-single parent trying to raise two little boys in a messed up world. I'm a little to the left - rejecting gender stereotypes and encouraging these future men to get in touch with their emotions and, by all means, let it out.

However, I'm a bit daunted by all the godd*mned boo-hoos.

Tonight's crying jags brought to you by two tired six year-olds and:

- Aftercare. Seems the group leader gave a treat for Best Behavior to someone else besides Oldest, who's gotten it three days in a row. I know. The injustice.
- Mommy, who announced dinner time after a half-hour of football in the backyard.
- Mommy again, who doesn't allow: I do not what the numbers are? as a homework spelling sentence. Because it doesn't make any sense.
- Brother. Apparently he "won't stop looking at me."
- Mom once more for saying, "Enough" after ten jellybeans.

Best friend Becky has a sign in her kitchen that says, "Memories Made Here." I want a sign that says, "Sack up, boys!"

Now, who is this morose motherf*cker right here?

Sack up, old man. Done, I tell you.

Kick it Over Here Baby Pop

Shopping season is upon us. Only a few weeks left to find that perfect gift.

I prefer to give and receive books. We even devote one night of Chanukah to such treasures - Book Night - because used or new, regifted or recycled, fiction or non - doesn't matter. Better than jewelry.

You heard me.

Funny story:

Years ago, Husband bought me a diamond bracelet. I opened the box, smiled and
thanked him profusely. The next morning, I grabbed my breakfast banana and
said,

"Can we talk about the bracelet?"

"Don't you like it?" he
asked. "Elise helped pick it out."

"That was your first mistake," I
said, laughing. "Elise eats veal, wears fur, and sparkles from head-to-toe. Now
her husband you could have asked, he still wears Birkenstocks."

Calm
down. Husband wasn't hurt. He's used to me.

"You really don't like it?"
he asked.

"I like it," I said. "I just can't, in good conscience, wear
it. Too many starving people in the world."

"Well," he said, "you
weren't born a Jewish girl. That's for sure."

"What do you mean?"

"You're talking about returning jewelry while going down on that banana.
Total convert. Trust me."

There are other gift ideas out there besides books. Taking Joel's advice, for Charity Night, I'm buying my children a membership to the American Civil Liberties Union. Cause why not.

And Joel spotted this winner first, but Jeff ran with it. So hot. Apparently I am not the only woman in America who wants to burn calories while looking like a porn star. We should form a club.

And this t-shirt design comes in children's sizes, right?

Put a Quarter in Your *ss Cause You Played Yourself

Listen up, folks, cause I'm about to break some rather important news, a scandal really, the likes of which haven't been seen since...well...last week within the Bush administration.

A group of grown men are cheating in Fantasy Football.

I know. Shocking. Seems Husband, who's a lot like me except normally kind and considerate, belongs to a league with grown men who find it necessary to sit their starters.

You heard me. Sit. Their. Starters.

WHAT THE F*CK HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?

Husband tried to talk some sense into them:

Come on guys...let's man up and adhere to the "gentleman's" agreement that we won't give up and sit our starters. Just because your season's over doesn't mean everyone's is. Don't take your nerf balls and go home quite yet fellas. Season is not over...

Someone with a guilty conscience offered this rebuttal:

Vagina Whining Pointless - Maybe the reason you're not winning is because you don't know who to start. Either way, your whining amounts to no difference. Keep pissing us off, and we WILL rest LT for the playoffs......after all, wouldn't want him not to have fresh legs, would we?

Vagina Whining? Okay, b*tch. It's on. Someone on the side of Truth, Justice, and the National Football League issued a response:

When you've won a fantasy title, we'll allow you to squawk SweetPea. But just a little bit. Until then, man-up, play your starters and finish washing up our jock straps.

Cheater pants came back with -

Congratulations, you win an all expenses paid trip to the luxurious Isle of Lesbos where you can continue your transformation into the woman you have always truly wanted to be (and are becoming). Come, come now silly she-male. I admit I tried to trade away my team but that was purely for the sheer pleasure in aggravating the snot out of the other whiners in the league, knowing that it would be voted down. (It was a rather BLATANT discrepancy, no?) By the way, I didn't think that voicing an objection about a problem with the system automatically made me eligible for dismissal from the league - are you a Communist as well? Buck up, shut up and play your game, dude.

Yes, this blatant misogyny is so hot. And nobody calls my husband a communist. Only I deserve that worn-out and overused comparison.

This is where sh*t hits the fan. Husband drinks too much coffee and lets 'er rip:

Hi, my name is **don't wanna get sued*** and I use cute words. I fully admit that I'm an Assbag and just recently realized that Taco Bell wasn't the Mexican Phone System. Now that I've been caught trying to trade all my players and sit my starters, I'm going to laugh it off as joke and act like I know what the hell I'm talking about. Because it's believable that Steve Smith has been on a cold streak as he put up 24 and 17 points in the last two weeks, while staying as the 5th ranked receiver in the league...WHILE MISSING THE FIRST TWO WEEKS OF THE SEASON... Tell us another lie, assbag.

Okay, I don't know what half this means, but clearly I need to get to Colorado and administer sexual healing. This exchange makes Charlie Crist's guys and I look like *lovers*. Ummm. Yeah. That's my analogy and I'm sticking to it.

Then another manly man gets in on the action and threatens my babies' daddy with grave physical harm.

How about i just kick your ass and stop the crying posts. I don't even know who the f you are, but you're a flipping infant. Shut your mouth.

I know. They sound like the pro-life Christians who send me hate email. Some more love:

We'll take our $300, your $300 Mrs. Robinson, and everybody elses, too. Then we'll leave the league and take the non-vaginas with us. You F'd with us without provocation and you paid for it, "Swee-pea". Next time keep the pie hole closed. I want to know where you live in CO b/c I'll be there in two weeks and want to see you ;).

Oh, it just goes on and on, but you get the point. Nothing like men in tights fighting over pigskin to bring out the love of the game.

And I thought politics was rough.

Something's Really Wrong

I'm always on the lookout for stories about my future home: Colorado. This time of year, most of the news is predictable: Colorado Springs has freezing temperatures. Some of it is bizarre: jammed garage doors.

And some of it is heartbreaking, like this article about an unfortunate victim of abuse and a jail-happy Colorado culture. When a young man is violated by his parents in gruesome and savage ways, how should he react when the state refuses to take action? The kid in question killed his mother and will live the rest of his life in prison as a result.


We must learn from Nate Ybanez. His experiences could help change destructive policies that leave all kinds of children behind - changes that would make both Colorado and our country a better place for abused children and everyone else as well. We can learn from criminals. We can learn to prevent future crimes by getting at the real reasons many "bad guys" strike in the first place.

Jails provide an ugly but necessary service. And I'm all for the death penalty. But taking a child who was forced to save himself and throwing him into jail for the rest of his life is wrong. Get that key out of the garbage and unlock Nate's secrets so it doesn't happen again.

That would really be justice served. For a change.

And I Thought it was Known

Animals were not put on this earth for our entertainment.

Go ahead and roll your eyes.

A killer whale has a bad morning, no one picks up on her grumpiness so she drags her trainer to the bottom of a pool and almost kills him. Who do I feel sorry for? The whale.

These creatures swim thousands of miles every day and are now kept captive inside a tiny pool, trained to jump and make spectacles of themselves for a bunch of mouthbreathers.

Sea World, the circus and rodeos - boycott them all.

A Lot of People Making Music

"Ms. Robinson, you got any Chanukah music?"

My students ask lots of questions this time of year. They can't help themselves.

"Well," I said, "Adam Sandler songs are fun. I personally enjoy that South Park tune about Kyle."

Long pause.

"I do believe that's all we got," I said.

Then John sent me this delightful ditty. So now we got three. Enough nog in me and I might even sing along.

When the Snow is Fallin' then I am Gone

My favorite brother - okay, my only brother - sent this email. Seems our former Florida boy is freaking out.

Dear loved ones,

Please help us. Wife and I are in serious trouble and
we need your help...

Crushed Ice is falling from the sky here in Kansas
City. Since we are from Florida and ill-equipped to deal with this situation we
are seeking your assistance.

My mom says that "Brandy Alexanders" are
the way to go because Brandy "warms you up."
(her words)

But those
drinks have, as you may or may not know, ICE CREAM as an ingredient. I thought,
perhaps, there was a schnapps to deal with this situation.

Any input or
advice you have would be greatly appreciated. Please keep in mind, however, time
is of the essence since the roads between our apartment and "Bagglia Liquors"
could be closed off very soon.

Our favorite Uncle had this piece of advice: Buy plenty of fruit syrup to make Italian ice cones.

Another gem of a relative let loose this wisdom: in such situations i am partial to the harder - straight to the brain type drinks - jack daniels - old grand dad - straight up or with a splash of water. my wife on the other hand is into the hot chocolate and brandy type things - either way - definitely no ice cream. life can be cruel and difficult.

Smartass Sloan was no help at all. What else is new: That's a shame because it's 80 and sunny in Tampa today. Why would anyone leave this place?

Anyone else wanna weigh in?