Cleansing

There is a conspiracy out there to 1) freak out expectant moms and 2) make them feel as ugly as possible.

I am not yet an expectant mom. We’ll start trying next month, which means I’m preparing my womb and refraining from anything that may produce gills on a fetus. Six years ago, when conceiving our twin sons, the List of Gill-Producing Toxins was a short one: no booze or caffeine. Today our list is longer than Dumbya’s Made-Up Words.

No:

• Alcohol, drugs, or over-the-counter medication. That means – meditate your way through the headache, b*tch. And quit complaining.
• Caffeine, including chocolate. Yes, Butterfingers count.
• All wet cheese. Just say “no” to feta, goat, blue, gorgonzola, or Jim Carrey movies.
• Phthalates, which are found in make-up, nail polish, and plastic toys. That means put down the vibrator and slowly back away.
• Mercury, commonly found in fish. God love the tuna. First dolphins, now this.
• Holistic meds such as St. John’s Wort, Ginseng, or Echinacea. Isolate yourself like Willy Wonka, girls, ‘cause ain’t nothing going to help a runny nose or lack of energy. You’re on your own.
• Neil Diamond records. ‘Nuff said.
• Drunk, obnoxious co-workers who poke you in the shoulder at office parties and demand answers to questions like, “Who the f*ck do you think you are?” It just raises your blood pressure. Think happy thoughts and walk away, tough girl.
• Green tea. Apparently cancer-fighting antioxidants lower folic acid levels. Unless you want a kid with lips like Joaquin Phoenix, sip bottled water instead.
• Fox News and talk radio. Giving birth is embarrassing enough; do you really want the kid to arrive cursing about Bill O’Reilly?
• Aluminum, the main ingredient in anti-perspirant. Feel free to use baking soda instead. Yellow stains under the armpits and smelling like an old refrigerator…that’ll get him in the mood.
• Hot tubs.

So I can’t relax, drink, or pleasure myself after avoiding people all day with a make-up-free face and polish-free gnarly toes. Fantastic.

My husband refrains from most of this crap as well because his boys are preparing for their own little triathlon. Sperm Training Camp, if you will, and in a few short weeks, they’re going to be swimming for their lives.

Maybe a cup of coffee would do them good.

A Jewish Dilemma

God love the hicks. At least they're trying.

Summertime Blues

Books and Dirty Looks

Teachers are back to work on Wednesday. Two glorious months have passed and time once again to shape some hearts and minds. I like this gig; just when you’re about to strangle your students, it’s time for winter, spring, or summer break. Just when you’re about to strangle your kids, it’s time to go back to school.

I’m ready. Teaching is appealing because it allows me to work, yet keep family-friendly hours. I was never really cut out for soap operas and Oprah-approved reading lists. Spending hours upon hours at home, imperfections scream out to be fixed. I’ve been hammering, re-grouting, weeding, waxing – completing just about every home-improvement project my wallet and psyche will allow. Don’t get me started on those children-improvement projects. My children scatter when they see me coming with my caulk gun.

They’re starting to get a bit bored as well. I can tell because annoying me has become their favorite sport. I’m living with two miniature versions of my dad. One kid tells me girls aren’t allowed to change tires at NASCAR events and the other kid laughs as veins bulge out of my head. I whisper “Go play outside and leave mommy alone,” through clenched teeth because “Shut up and go away” sounds rude.

Summer ’05 favorites and number of times said:

“Hands to yourself!” (915 times)
“Time out – five minutes.” (914 times)
“G*ddamn Karl Rove.” (911)
“G*ddamn Tom Delay.” (910)
“Inside voice!” (875)
“Grandpa says a lot of things we don’t say here.” (850)
“Walking feet!” (622)
“What the hell did the President do/say/screw-up now?” (615)
“Wrestling is outside play.” (600)
“Stop right now or I’ll sell you to Mexico. They’d pay top dollar for two healthy white boys. Pipe down and fix me a drink.” (5,463)

That Staples Commercial Ain’t Popular for Nothin’

My children are starting kindergarten. I try not to be nervous; they are handling this whole thing better than me. Their new elementary school is the best in Tampa, but that’s like saying we’re going to the best opera house in West Virginia. When there’s no competition, the best is really the only option available. Still, I’m hopeful. We’ve been reviewing lessons and they’re ready. How do home-schooling moms do it? After fifteen minutes studying upper and lower case letters, I want to pull my hair out. The boys will benefit from a real teacher who doesn’t wonder aloud, “What the hell is so hard about writing S?”

Here’s why the end of summer has me sweating bullets:

In order to be closer to my children, I'll teach at a new high school this year. I’m always a bit edgy when it comes to meeting people.

Most people’s motto: like everyone until given a reason not to.
My motto: dislike everyone until given a reason not to.

For the last two years, I’ve come to like some fellow teachers. A few will be missed immensely and are, quite frankly, a tough act to follow. Don’t believe me? Think back to your own high school experience and picture your old teachers. How many would you want to hang out with – on purpose? Like warm-hearted conservatives, cool teachers are a rare breed. Plus, I’m difficult and opinionated. It takes a special someone to listen to my inappropriate stories and come back the next day eager for more.

My boys and I are going to try and be open to new experiences, faces, and, hopefully, friends. Wish us luck. Or wish The Husband luck.

Better yet, pray for all of us.

Battle Ready

Joseph Lieberman is a huge diappointment. I was behind my fellow tribe member when Al Gore picked him as a running mate. When Lieberman went after television and radio for indecency, I whistled and stared at the ceiling. When he ran for President in '04, I pretended he was relevant. Now, Lieberman is saying John G. Roberts isn't so bad.

Joe, seriously, get your head out of your ass.

Don't listen to the good Senator from Connecticut. His fire went out long ago. We must fight because, if confirmed, John Roberts could be interpreting the Constitution when our children are diapering their own children.

The latest: We all know it takes a lot of hard work to make it to the Supreme Court. Did you know it takes a lot of money, too? Roberts spent $80k in donations to the Bush presidential campaign and then helped out with the Transition Team. Is this the kind of moderate you were hoping for?

Check out Republican talking points on Roberts. They outline issues better than anyone so far along with arguments easy to counter. Research doesn't get much easier than this, folks.

And the Hits Just Keep on Coming

Dumbya fooled a whole lot of people - didn't go with a woman or a Hispanic or Karl Rove. Instead, he went with John Roberts. The same man who worked as council for the President during the 1980s on Central American stuff. He is against legalized abortion and environmental protection laws. Should be a shoo-in.

Which one will speak for us?

That’s Me in the Corner

I just finished The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. (Yes, the book is so five minutes ago. At least I read it before the movie comes out.)

*Spoiler Alert*

First of all, it’s a damn fine book. A master of suspense, Brown had me racing to discover identities of mysterious characters. He’s also brilliant in his knowledge of religious issues and ancient symbols. Such hubbub about Mona Lisa and Madonna on the Rocks should cause modern artists, filmmakers, etc. to consider putting symbols in their own creations to ensure centuries of debate and discussion. It keeps art alive, that’s for sure.

Brown also recycles an age-old rumor about Jesus hooking up with Mary Magdalene and siring a child. (Anyone seen Dogma?) The theory goes that descendants of such a union live among us, protected by some secret society until the truth can be revealed to an ignorant and unsuspecting public. While reading the book, reading about reactions to the book, and discussing the book with others, I’ve come to the conclusion reactionary readers can be divided into three categories.

1. Whack Jobs. These poor slobs cling to every plot detail as if Dan Brown penned the newest addition to their Holy Bible. These people would get along with folks who believe aliens come down to probe prostates. They’d party hard with freaks who think dead people speak through television shows. Come on, you think ghosts get into “Fear Factor”? Typically such readers are middle-aged, live in their parents’ garages and have never been involved with anyone other than their fellow Klingon Enthusiasts.

2. Whack Jobs with a Superiority Complex. Holy rollers' collective panties are in a wad over this book and to them I say: calm yourselves. Dan Brown writes interesting fiction. He’s no more a part of some anti-Christian conspiracy than John Grisham is trying to rid the world of lawyers.

Such fanatics really believe there is nothing new to discover about their belief systems. Despite centuries of strife between scientists and religious “authorities” – scientists coming out ahead every time – they cling to the faith of their ancestors. They’re scared silly to learn anything new.

Now before the hate mail comes in, let me be clear. Religious extremists, despite totalitarian attitudes, are only trying to keep their respective religions relevant. Most practice their faith in a beautiful way – even if the blinders are a tad tight.

3. Skeptics. These realists don’t believe in conspiracy theories because, let’s face it, people can’t keep secrets. Period. And they sure as hell can’t keep whopper secrets for two thousand years. If descendants of Jesus truly existed, they’d have been on Larry King by now.

Does that mean this theory about Jesus and Mary is beyond the realm of possibility? Of course not and don’t underestimate the fear that thought generates within hearts of the faithful. I feel for them. Remember the good old days when Rome was always right? When the world was flat, Earth was the center of the universe and God help anyone who tried to prove otherwise? Just ask Galileo, Newton, Darwin or countless others. Look what happened as a result of free and logical thought: Denominations started sprouting up all over the place, slaves freed, women no longer burned at the stake and our world hasn’t been the same since.

I find myself on middle ground with most issues and this is no exception. What do we believe or know except what we’re taught? Until recently, Mary Magdalene was a reformed prostitute. Turns out those stories weren't true and the church stopped telling them only several years ago. Is that the only false chapter in The Greatest Story Ever Told? As a convert to Judaism, none of this threatens me so I don't understand the fear.

We simply don’t know everything there is to know.

Still, I have a hard time believing that a bunch of people in a secret society could keep proof of this secret to themselves. One of them would sneak the documents on Antiques Roadshow and retire a celebrated millionaire.

Or maybe they wouldn’t. What do I know anyway?

Finally, a little bit of truth

Lou talks about Karl Rove's testimony before the grand jury and cuts to Danna Bash. Listen carefully as a woman whispers into the mic, speaking for us all.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

A Teaching Analogy

This is an email I received and tweaked to fit my own personal style. The point it makes is still valid. Enjoy.

No Dentist Left Behind

My dentist is great! He sends reminders so I don't forget checkups and uses the latest techniques based on research. He never hurts me and I've got all my teeth.

"Did you hear about the new state program to measure effectiveness of dentists with their youngest patients?" I asked.

"No," he said. "How will they do that?"

"They will count the number of cavities each patient has at age 10, 14, and 18 and average that number to determine a dentist's rating. Dentists will be rated excellent, good, average, below average, and unsatisfactory so parents will determine which are best. Less effective dentists can improve. Poor dentists who don't improve could lose their licenses."

"That's terrible," he said. "Dentists don't all work with the same clientele and much depends on things we can't control. I work in a rural area with patients from deprived homes, while some of my colleagues work in upper middle-class neighborhoods. Many parents don't bring their children to see me until there's a problem. I don't get to do much preventive work. These parents let their kids eat too much candy, unlike educated parents who understand the relationship between sugar and decay. Many of my clients have well water which is untreated and without fluoride. Do you have any idea how much difference early fluoride use can make?"

"You're making excuses," I said. "You needn't fear accountability."

"I am not being defensive!" he said. "My best patients are as good as anyone's, my work is as good as anyone's, but my average cavity count is going to be higher because I chose to work where I am needed most."

"Don't get touchy," I said.

"Touchy?" he said. "I will be rated average, below average, or worse. The few educated patients I have may believe this so-called rating and leave me with only the most needy patients and my cavity average score will get worse. On top of that, how will I attract good hygienists and dentists if I'm labeled below average?"

"I think you are overreacting," I said. "'Complaints, excuses and stonewalling won't improve dental health'...I am quoting the DOC."

"What's the DOC?" he asked.

"Dental Oversight Committee," I said, "a group made up of mostly lay persons to make sure dentistry improves."

"Reasonable people won't buy it," he said hopefully.

"How else would you measure good dentistry?"

"Come watch me work," he said. "Observe my processes."

"That's too complicated, expensive and time-consuming," I said. "Cavities are the bottom line and you can't argue with the bottom line. It's an absolute measure. The state will help you some. If you receive a poor rating, they'll send a dentist who is rated excellent to help straighten you out."

He shook his head.

"Doing this would be like grading schools and teachers based on children's progress with no regard to the home or community served. Why would they do something so unfair to dentists? No one would ever think of doing that to teachers."

Wishful Thinking

I know it's confusing, but I'm going to attempt to make sense of our current predicament. For my own peace of mind. Although I'm sure it won't bring me much peace.

Before we went to war in Iraq, Ambassador Joseph Wilson wrote an op-ed piece saying that he was sent to Iraq to find weapons of mass destruction and found none. In retalitation for his honesty, his wife's identity was revealed and her life put in jeopardy. She was an undercover agent for the CIA at the time. Who leaked her identity to the press?

Columnist Robert Novak first reported her name. It's against the law to reveal an undercover agent's identity and so, my first question is, why is Novak free? Judith Miller, reporter for The New York Times, didn't publish the agent's name, yet she's in jail for refusing to name her source for an article she was working on. Another reporter, Matt Cooper for Time, avoided jail because he named his source, with that source's permission. Who was Cooper's source?

Karl Rove. The buffoon in the above picture. Dumbya's right-hand man.

All of a sudden, the White House isn't talking. Dumbya once said that anyone caught leaking such information would be fired. Rove's defense might be that he never leaked her name. He referred to her as "Wilson's wife" working at the CIA in "weapons of mass destruction" issues. My second question: How many CIA agents are married to an ambassador and working wmd issues? That comment alone may have compromised her position and put her life in jeopardy. All because her husband had the nerve to contradict the president's position.

Thank God the Patriot Act is working, folks. Parts of London are in ruins, Bin Laden is still on the loose, soldiers killed in Iraq...and journalists jailed in America.

Land of the free, my ass.

Issues

Here's an attempt to share what I've been reading about lately.

It's a weird day when I find myself sharing ideologies with a man who writes the crap that comes out of Dumbya's mouth.

Today is such a day.

Matthew Scully, POTUS speechwriter, is also a fighter for animal welfare. He wrote an article that calls for more humane treatment toward animals in Pat Buchanan's magazine and...come on, this can't be right...Pat Buchanan? George Will, that original bow-tied conservative who loves the sound of his own multisyllabic words, joined in to call for integrity at the dinner table. Hey, whatever gets more people over to my side - the side that doesn't throw fake blood on people wearing fur, but definitely thinks tortured cowmeat is an unhealthy choice. Welcome George, Pat, and Matthew. Wanna get naked?

Not so fast. Seems there's a group of Christian soldiers out there talking about sex, writing about sex, but not actually having sex. Who knew that during my formative years, tightening a chastity belt, I was way ahead of my time? These upstanding folks say that celibacy is cool. Even those who lost their virginity years ago can use the "ecclesiastical white-out" and become recycled virgins once again. Some even wear masturbands, bracelets that stay white as long as you don't go near the woo-woo area. If you do, the band becomes (*eeewww alert*) discolored and you must take it off until you literally get your hands clean again. Feeling hot when explicit commercials come on the air? Abstinence.net actually suggests switching over to Fox News. I can tell you from personal experience, nothing kills the mood like O'Reilley's face. NOTHING.

If you have a child or might in the near future, this is scary stuff. There is a mercury-laced preservative in immunizations that's been harming our kids. Thimerosal has been linked to alarming numbers of hyperactivity, attention deficit and autism disorders. What's worse? Our government has known about it for years and suppressed information that should have been available to the public. According to an article by Robert Kennedy Jr: "Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who has received $873,000 in contributions from the pharmaceutical industry, has been working to immunize vaccine makers from liability in 4,200 lawsuits that have been filed by the parents of injured children. On five separate occasions, Frist has tried to seal all of the government's vaccine-related documents -- including the Simpsonwood transcripts -- and shield Eli Lilly, the developer of thimerosal, from subpoenas. In 2002, the day after Frist quietly slipped a rider known as the Eli Lilly Protection Act into a homeland security bill, the company contributed $10,000 to his campaign and bought 5,000 copies of his book on bioterrorism." What we do to our children is painful, folks. Painful.

We’re Back

It’s good to be home. I know I ranted about a political crisis or two last week instead of mentioning hills and trees, but I gotta be me.

Oh, the things worth seeing in the western world…

Boulder, Colorado rocks – literally. Michele, my sister, took us there so the boys could get a good dose of liberal culture. They soaked it all up: the good – Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream and anti-war protestors; the bad – fecal matter disguised as overpriced art; the ugly – a Rastafarian who dislocated his shoulders to fit inside a small box. (My oldest: “I don’t know what he’s going to do. This is scary.”)

An added bonus to our visit: getting to know my new brother-in-law, Scott, and a smidgen of his extended family (two brothers and father). To know them is to love them folks – don’t let their steely, conservative demeanor fool you. Hearts beat beneath all that armor. And a sense of humor, too. You heard me.

Example – as my husband chronicled in a comment section earlier:

Me: So what do you think of Sandra Day O’Connor retiring?

(Uncomfortable silence.)

Scott: I don’t follow the WNBA.

Then he smiled to show it was, indeed, a joke. They fawned over our children, laughed at Husband’s jokes and made eye contact while speaking to me. Despite Perkins for dinner one night, they are keepers.

Denver is a delightful town. Could do without nosebleeds every morning or sticking Vaseline up the boys’ nostrils every night to prevent what my youngest called “boo-boo nose”. But what geographic region doesn’t come with drawbacks? Don’t get me started on alligators.

The Rocky Mountains are amazing. Our children got to throw snowballs and catch snowflakes on their tongues. There’s also a certain amount of satisfaction that comes from hiking up a hill (fully lit, please, with no wild animals) to view the range from 2.5 miles above sea level. Maybe there’s something to be said for feeding children decent food and encouraging exercise. *Gloating alert.* That’s all I’m saying.

Another bonus: seeing my sister in her glory. Michele moved west, on her own, several years ago and made it. Despite getting lost driving around the corner, she’s a modern-day Mary Tyler Moore with the hair, the hat, the can-do attitude. Unlike MTM, Michele snagged a man, but she uses her maiden name in the middle – like me and Hillary – so that’s something.

Turns out, the traditional family vacation can be done without anyone losing a limb. Of course, my man and I probably lost more than a few brain cells yelling at crazy drivers, moody children, and inappropriate animals.

Otherwise, it was damn near perfect.

What do you know?

The St. Petersburg Times called for readers to submit a 300-word essay about a memorable day at the beach. I thought, "What the hell?"and submitted my best effort. No, it's not about skin cancer or sand up the ass. This piece might actually surprise those who believe expressing myself in less than 300 words is beyond my capabilities.

Anyway, The Times liked it, they really liked it, and published it July 4th. It's over to the right on my home page. Good stuff. Enjoy.

Buzz Kill

I’ve been in Denver, up to my eyeballs in fresh air and mountains, completely oblivious to world events. This is my vow: never again tease sister as she stares blankly when I ask opinion of CAFTA. After all, with a view like the Rocky Mountains, who the hell wants to talk about global politics?

Me, of course. Try as I might to escape for a bit, Tim Russert and company pull me back.

What’s up with Dumbya’s speech this week? Was he kidding anyone? If you’re saying, “Yes, I buy his bullshit” please give me a call. I’d love to talk to someone who really believes our country is safer now than before we invaded Iraq. Don’t be offended if I ask for a toke of whatever you’re smoking. My five year-olds believe Peter Parker lives in New York, secretly saving people as Spiderman, yet they’d even tell you Saddam had nothing to do with 9/11. Far be it from me to suggest reality therapy for a bunch of people who still think Darwin got it wrong.

Apparently, Sandra Day O’Connor is bailing on us. I didn’t see this one coming. Our moderate Supreme Court Justice (or “the one thing Reagan did right”) announced her retirement Friday. It’s already hard to breathe Colorado air and this doesn’t help. Neocons are all uptight because Bush might nominate Attorney General Alberto Gonzales for Sandy’s spot. It seems the same right winger who thought torturing prisoners at Gitmo was morally sound policy isn’t nutty enough. They want someone who is going to take away women’s rights and put up God’s law (Christian version) in every public building from the redwood forest to the gulf stream waters. Liberals like me are frightened for exactly the same reason. Be afraid people, be very afraid.

Poverty in Africa is getting well-deserved publicity this week with the Live 8 concert Saturday and the G8 meeting beginning Wednesday. Hopefully someone other than a serious Coldplay fan is listening. We do have poor people here in America, but to paraphrase Chris Rock, it’s not “flies on lips” poor. Lots of people (read: old farts) complain musicians shouldn’t be involved in global affairs. I say the fate of the world is everyone’s business. If Bono and Chris Martin can use their celebrity for something other than buying houses and jewelry, more power to them. DATA (Debt, AIDS, Trade, Africa) is one of many organizations appealing to the richest countries that forgiving debt, making medicine available to help those suffering from AIDS, and fair trade is the only way to save the African continent. How can a president with Christian values continue to break his promises to the world’s poorest people? Perhaps he’s only a Christian when it’s convenient.

Maybe in a few days I can laugh about escapades in Boulder or sticking Vaseline up children’s dry noses. I’m out for now.