Max'n and Relax'n

Hired a painter to fix my bedroom after I went crazy with the Sponge Off routine. Can't sell a house when the master bedroom looks like a "Before" shot from one of those home-makeover shows. The Queer Eye crew alone would have thrown up standing in the middle of it.

After careful research and near-cardiac arrest hearing pricey estimates, I went with American Painters. They tried not to laugh while I explained my catastrophic experiment in home decorating, then sent a professional named Merlin to assess and ultimately fix the situation. You heard me - Merlin. What does that tell you? I half-expected a whacky guy with too much hair and a pointy hat. Instead, Magic Man looked handsome, possessed all his own teeth, and had a decent head of hair. From Wisconsin, too, so he joins the short list of Cheese Heads who can actually talk about something other than the Packers. And yes...he worked wonders with his brush.

What did I do all day? Hung around like a groupie, coughing up a lung, downing cold medicine and trying not tear my tummy further with every nose blow. So sexy.

The boys and I baked a cake and learned a thing or two about deceptive packaging...




vs. reality.

I know. Looks like one of those sh*t desserts kids throw into an Easy Bake Oven. I never claimed to be gifted in the culinary arts. No matter what Jeff says.

At the end of the day, all was well with the Robinson household. My bedroom finally looks like a place in which normal people would love to get laid while my kids have tummy aches from rock-hard cake but spent quality time with Mommy and didn't break anything. That counts for somethin'.

As for Merlin? We talked all day and I never once asked him to feel my hernia. I know. B*stard got off easy.

A Sunday Parade

If you're able, please join Jim Davis tomorrow, Sunday, April 30th, at the Puerto Rico Cultural Parade. Volunteers should meet Jim and other volunteers at 11:15 at the corner of Nuccio Parkway and Nebraska Avenue, in Ybor City.

Parades are a good time and a chance to meet Jim and his dedicated, fun-loving staff. Enjoy!

The Way a Six Year-Old Sees Himself

More Adventures in Teaching

Picture this -

You've just passed out a test for your students and explained the importance of staying silent.

"Do not talk or even think out loud. I will assume you are cheating and that's an automatic zero!"

Students quiver because you are such a bad ass. You glare, point to a few for no reason at all before sitting down to read email. Sip green tea. Look across a classroom of quiet, slightly scared kids trying their best not to fail. All is right with the world.

You receive an email from an old friend. Miss her! Mean it! You open the email and click on the link she provides. (Computer volume - sky high)

If you had to guess, what do you think became of my quiet little classroom?

Selling Ass Didn't Work So We're Trying This

It starts. Today.

Cross My Heart

A well-meaning, but ultimately misguided attempt to get young adults buckled-up in cars is happening here in Florida. Well-meaning because people behind it lost a loved one in a devastating car accident and want to spare other families their grief. Misguided because more effective ways exist to do that.

Katie Marchetti, 16 year-old high school student, died when she was thrown from a car last month during an I-75 accident. Katie wasn't wearing a seat belt. Yesterday, Katie's parents, friends, and other concerned residents visited Tallahassee to pressure lawmakers into passing a tougher seat belt law.

Breaks down this way: Right now, cops can't ticket a driver just because he/she isn't wearing a seat belt unless he/she is under eighteen years of age. Unfortunately, not everyone is easily "age-identified" so supporters of new legislation say if police could cite anyone, including those over eighteen, more lives will be saved.

I'm not convinced. I know H and C are going to mess up their Duke-issued spandex over my non-left-like stance, but this law won't make a bit of difference with teenagers and young adults, presumably the intended targets of such legislation.

Let me explain.

If the ultimate goal is to convince kids seat belts save lives, try this approach. Visit high schools and conduct small workshops or assemblies. (Yes, more kids pay attention in a small setting than a rowdy auditorium.) Bring along pictures from accidents and loved ones affected by tragedy. Testimonials and visual aids impact kids far more than a law crafted by legislators and lawyers.

This law also seems to address drivers, not passengers. Katie was a passenger the day she died and would not have been affected by a tougher law anyway.

House Speaker Bense, as always, gets it wrong when he shouts about personal freedom that such enforcement would undercut. Somebody please tell him to shut up. That's not the issue here - the law already makes seat belts mandatory. We now want to compel young people to abide by such a law.

I did my own informal poll among students and discovered they don't buckle up when parents aren't around because seat belts are "uncomfortable", "too tight when we hit the breaks" or "wrinkle clothes". If necessary, most kids would "click it" around cop cars or certain intersections, then "unclick" after driving away. Talking to kids one-on-one is the only way to turn that tide. We have to get them to want to buckle up.

I understand and applaud people turning tragedy into activism. However, we'd do better to change minds, not laws. That's the way to save lives. Not Tallahassee. Not this time.

Friends in Low Places

Far be it from me to spread Republican propaganda, but nothing illicits giggles like disgruntled neocons.

Aren't you ready for a change? I am.

Comments in the Classroom

I teach in a suburban school serving students from the surrounding affluent community and also kids bused in from thirteen miles away. Since I'm in special ed, care to guess from which neighborhood most of my kids come?

(HINT: their asses hurt from the long bus ride)

On most days, my students entertain me with their logic and observations. Today was an unusually ripe day.

During classwork, I often play music from the time period we're studying...
David: Man, I hate this crap.
Allan: It ain't so bad. Give it a chance. Ms. Robinson knows all the words to 99 Problems. How bad can Mozart be?

When discussing religious persecution...
Ricky (to another student): Are you Catholic or Christian?
Me: Catholics are Christian.
Alice: No, they're not.
Ricky: Sure. They believe in Jesus.
Alice: But when God comes, they ain't saved. They goin' to hell.
Me(smiling): Really?
Alice: Yeah. So are you, Ms. Sorry about that. Much love, though.

During independent study time...
Tyrone: It's hot in here.
Ruby: Close your mouth.

During notes...
Me: You're worse than my six year olds. Focus!
Tullia: Worse than six year olds?
Me: Yes.
Coco: (sucks her teeth)
Me: (wanna scream) At least when I tell my children to do something, they do it.
(Not entirely true, but work with me.)
Coco: Your kids know they'll get a whuppin' if they don't.
Me: (sigh) Never have laid a hand on my children.
Coco: You sure ain't black!
Manuel: White folks crazy.

Right before the bell rings...
Carl: Hey, any more holidays coming up?

But, Seriously Folks

Now that I'm not hopped up on cold medicine and sleep deprived, here is a legitimate post. Russ Feingold, proving along with my dad that good things do come from Wisconsin, is introducing the Progressive Patriots Fund Store.

I've often said we have to vote with our wallets, too, and this is a good place to start. Plus they have some cool stuff.

Next time you wanna shower the liberal you love with a present (hinthint) - any occasion, even going-away gifts - consider a mug or "Don't Spy on Me" t-shirt. My sister will take one, too.

I Finally Figured Out How to Work My Web Cam

Let the games begin.

Why Do You Blog?

Bloggers are self-important. Comes with the territory. We have something to say and believe people will listen. People who are not legally required to do so.

Still. Some take it to the extreme. I heard about one "famous" blogger on NPR. She got fired due to inappropriate language on her site and, as a result, was all the rage for about five minutes. I visited, noticed the archives and did some poking around. She talked about herself and nothing more. The worst part? She had an entry from 9/7/01 where she detailed a bowel movement and then another post on 9/13/01 where she raved about jello shots.

Not one f*cking word about the chaos in our country at that time. I hit the exit button and never returned. I'd have fired her myself. People often ask why I started OILF and the reason is the same whether I'm talking about blogging, teaching, freelance writing, or protesting our current administration.

It's cheaper than therapy.

Seriously, though, I make a nuisance of myself simply to "contribute a verse". Do I think I'm important? In the same way I think everyone is important. We were given a commandment to help others. Even though I make mischief from time to time, I do try to speak out both for and against important issues. I'm required to leave behind a better world than what was left behind for me.

I sincerely hope my children will feel the same purpose in their own lives. Although, to be honest, I'm fine if they don't feel compelled to talk about love toys as well.

Some blog to find love, others keep an online diary so loved ones feel connected. Writing also represents sanity and a way to avoid the pent-up frustration that leads to road rage. Plus, blogging is a great way to embarrass family/friends and flirt while wearing pajamas.

Can you think of a better reason?

Before I Go-Go

Two more months to live it up in Tampa. I've been a Florida resident since 1981 (minus four years spent in Boston) and do believe I've done all there is to do here.

Or have I?

Theme parks and nudist resorts. Lowry Park Zoo and Bo's Ice Cream. MOSI, Gasparilla Arts Festival and the Dali Museum. Beaches and outdoor concert series. Beastie Boys at Jannus Landing. Armani's, The Columbia Restaurant and Bern's.

I've Worn. Ybor. City. Out.

What about the rest of Florida? I survived road trips to Key West, Miami, and St. Augustine. Blew too much money in Boca. Enjoyed Tallahassee and threw up in Gainesville. Sounds about right.

Let's see...

Haven't done Wednesday night at Pegasus yet. What about a surgical experience at St. Joe's - maybe hernia repair or something fun like that? I gotta get me some of that NakeDan the Handyman. Been meaning to hit St. Pete.

What else should I do before heading west?

You Wanna Piece of Me?

Michael Hussey (rhymes with…) over at Pushing Rope (rhymes with…) dropped my name at Blurbex. Mikey charged that progressive bloggers LIKE ME link to other liberal sites, connect with only like-minded opinions, piggy-back on other bandwagons and therefore blah blah blah. In other words, Homeboy called me a lazy, narrow-minded b*tch.

This is so on.

Progressives are aware of opposite points of view. Personally, I am surrounded by them. Ask any liberal Jew living in Pasco County and…oh wait…you can’t because I AM THE ONLY ONE. Okay. There’s this other dude, but he’s up near New Port Richey. And in hiding.

I don't have to turn to the Internet to solicit a viewpoint that challenges my own. I just have to walk out my front door. Yet walk out I continue to do. Despite archaic political stances, there's a lot to like about right-wingers. For example they always have plenty of beer.

Case in point: Last night I went to a birthday party for neighbor and friend Kevin the Hunter. I even wore a piece of camouflage (as every guest was required) without complaining.

SIDE NOTE: The camo so did not go with my shoes.

Did I mention Kevin has the head of a deer in his house? Of course it sits near a football autographed by Jim Kelly. So I focus on the ball and think happy thoughts. Story of my life. My point is this: Kevin and I. Friends. Even though he kills Bambi and I act morally superior. Because a good supply of beer counts for plenty. What does Kevin get in return? Not sure. Perhaps I have a hell of a rack.

My exposure to the other side doesn’t stop there. I turn on the radio and Rush Limbaugh hits me square in the puss. Then Glenn Beck. Then Dr. Laura. I grab The Tampa Tribune or The St. Petersburg Times and read more conservative slants than anything else. At work, more of the same. Here’s a shocker: teachers aren't progressive. Not by a long shot. The majority of my co-workers fall into one of the following categories:

- Religious fundies convinced I’m going to hell
- Subservient types who “vote right alongside the husband” or “the Lord”
- Dopes who don’t pay attention to politics but can discuss Desperate Housewives in detail

Yes. Those are my choices for lunchtime conversation. Either that or students regurgitating parents regurgitating Fox News.

After work I've got my dad and other family members who still pray I will “come around.” Dinnertime with them twice a week means I am well-versed in the ways of the righteous.

Let’s recap shall we? Between neighbors, co-workers, and relatives, I get plenty of real-life testimony extolling the virtues of the Republican Party. Turn on radio or television – with the exception of Jon Stewart – and there's even more conservative bullsh*t. My only access to similar points of view would be the Internet and hell, half my surfing time is spent dodging sharks like Mr. C.

So please don’t tell me because I link to Bitch Lab, I’m only exposed to one point of view. And if I reference a national site that backs up my claim or opinion, so sue me. I'm a lib in Welsey Chapel. Sometimes misery loves company.

Invitation to Chat

Jim Davis will hold an online town hall meeting Monday night at 7pm. Our future governor has been listening to Floridians discuss issues important to all of us. Isn't it time you joined in?

"The discussions I've had with people like you during this tour have been priceless. I've talked to Floridians from all walks of life about the issues that really matter to them, such as fixing Florida's schools, lowering health care costs, addressing hurricane insurance, creating good jobs, and managing our growth. My campaign is about giving a voice to all Floridians, and this online town hall will make sure everyone has a chance to be heard."

Log on to Jim's website Monday at 7pm to participate. This is your home, too, after all.

Hot for Teacher

After busting ass all day getting kids to shut up and sit down, tutoring or coaching all night so the ex gets her child support, then drinking yourself to sleep after Jon Stewart - you probably wake up wondering: When the hell am I gonna get laid?

Don't beat yourself up. You're only human, boo!

Today is your lucky day. Find that hottie with a hair bun at Teacher Love Line - online dating service for teachers created by teachers. (They're not looking for horn dogs, so that counts you out, Sunshine.)

Tell single teachers not to lose hope! Yes they are stuck in thankless jobs making less than welfare mothers, but at the very least they can now find like-minded drinking buddies. Hey, Mr. Language Arts, take that first step toward Miss Romance Languages. Won't it be nice to find someone else out there who appreciates your take on Chaucer?

If ten of you join for two months, Teacher Love Line will send me fifty bucks. So get on it! Momma needs a new pair of dry erase markers.

Certifiable

Apparently, research shows a teacher's level of certification does not indicate effectiveness in the classroom. According to the Brookings Institution, certification also produces no significant increase in student performance.

Scholars offer this advice to school administrators: help more candidates get work as teachers and then devote greater efforts to identifying and keeping those who are most effective.

Researchers go on to say when districts reject sensible alternative licensure programs, they drive away professionals looking for a career change by requiring newbies to take extra classes at their own expense. Instead, after training in subject area and survival strategies, the new teacher should be given a trial in a classroom. Administrators should observe the teacher in action, retain those who excel and dismiss those who fail.

Could the answer be that simple?

Having a Ball with Daddy

I have two little boys and love their rough and tumble ways - it suits me. No idea what I'd do with a daughter.

In general, girls scare me with their Barbie dolls and princess parties. I don't even know how to braid hair. As a teacher, female students repel with low self-esteem and emotional issues. I've often considered adopting a girl, but too afraid I'd get a shy little thing begging for ballet. At that point, I'd have to give her to my mother.

Here's a daughter dilemma I'm glad to never address: Purity Balls.

Little girls, some as young as seven, get dressed up for a night out with Daddy. They dance, giggle, and enjoy a special date together. At the end of the evening, Princess looks into Papa's eyes and says: "I pledge to remain sexually pure...until the day I give myself as a wedding gift to my husband. ... I know that God requires this of me.. that he loves me and that he will reward me for my faithfulness."

You heard me. Daughters pledge virginity to their fathers. It gets worse.

Daddy beams with pride and replies: "I, (daughter’s name)’s father, choose before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection in the area of purity. I will be pure in my own life as a man, husband and father. I will be a man of integrity and accountability as I lead, guide and pray over my daughter and as the high priest in my home. This covering will be used by God to influence generations to come."

High priest of the home? Christians kill me. If I had a daughter, I'd handle sex the way my mother did. (Except without that church-sanctioned book discouraging diddling. Can't have that. Big fan.) Anyhoo, mom raised me with a combination of minor religious rhetoric (virginity - good; promiscuity - not so good), health-related talks (VD - gross) and esteem building activities (quality and quantity time encouraging feelings of self-worth). As a result, my legs stayed closed for more than two decades. Siblings have similar stories of late-in-life deflowering. None of us ever had to pledge promises in front of a crowd. My mother would have called that inappropriate.

Teaching girls to ward off horny men misses the point. Virginity isn't a gift for a man - the very thought turns my stomach. "Purity" is something they keep for themselves. Because they're special and worth the wait. These events will eventually prove to mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. When I was a kid, girls who publicly vowed chastity talked a good game. They later joined Young Life for the orgies. My high school's FCA president held humping parties at the airport because planes drowned-out the loud orgasms. (WASPy girls like to scream.)

Instead of putting on a show, simply raise your daughter to believe she is important to herself and everyone else. Love and cherish her, teach values and moral strength. When the time comes you will trust her judgement and decision-making process.

For now, just take her to a Disney flick and out for milkshakes afterward. She's a kid, after all.

Night Vision and Insight

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." - Galileo Galilei

I took a Humanities course at USF and wrote a paper called The Historicity of Jesus Christ. Unlike my lauded "LSD Should Be Legal" thesis, this paper was not embraced by professors and peers alike. However, it helped me. Confused about my own spirituality, I put faith in what could be proven. Research left me relieved. Although it ultimately exposed doubts regarding his followers, my work convinced me that Jesus did exist and his very existence made the world a better place.

Plus he was Jewish. So nice!

A new movie says Jesus was a myth. Watching the trailer, I found myself nodding more than a few times. Many good points. Christianity did borrow pagan rituals (trees and eggs) and mythological ideals (a virgin birth). Early Christians also held tightly to false beliefs (Sun revolving around Earth) for far too long.

The incendiary irreverence caught my attention. Questioning and provoking discussion even if only for discussion's sake can often lead to revelatory thought, no? Plus I like a good row. But don't get me started on my hernia.

On the other hand, are these filmmakers any different from Holocaust deniers? And if not, then why not? Why does one get a free pass to question while the other makes me want to hurl? I've known only one or two true atheists and even they acknowledge the man existed. Now they also tend to poo-poo empirical data that casts shadows on their own doubt. But I looked past such stubbornness because of their wicked cute asses. Sue me.

However, why do I respectfully allow atheists their opinions but laugh and poke fun at Scientologists? Yes, Hubbard clones take the "I don't believe" one step further with the whole "aliens planted these thoughts in our heads" hypothesis. I suppose that's what makes them an automatic disinvite to dinner parties.

Still. Nonbelievers share similarities just like believers. Those posing questions should be given the same grain of salt we give those clinging to opposite beliefs. After all, they're not all Galileo.

Thank God They Didn't Have MySpace When I Was In College

I got into enough trouble without this. And I think I dated that guy in the C-Unit shirt.

Packin' the Power Tools

"Where's the f*cking money, Lebowski?"

My house goes up for sale this week. Overall, our humble abode is in good shape. Just a few areas need touch-ups and since Colorado Husband is back and forth, I'm looking for that elusive creature about whom fantasies, bad porn and Lifetime movies are made.

The Handyman.

Researching the perfect person to welcome into my home, tinker about, and leave me satisfied - I found this guy.

Apparently, Naked Dan comes to call in the nude and works for about $130 a hour. What a bargain! Or is it? I don't know. I can't get past the strategically placed tool belt. Homeboy is famous, knows how to work a screwdriver, and claims to be above average.

Sent him job descriptions and anticipating a response. Will keep you posted. Taking pictures costs extra, so you're just going to have to settle for my well-worded descriptions.

Unless, of course, you have nails that need to be hammered. Then you can call Dan yourself.

"Not in front of the kids."

Gotta wear something on Israel Independence Day.

Boo Boo Tummy

Motherhood is the gift that keeps on giving. For non-believers, check this out. Here's more proof: I'm lying on my back, enjoying gropes that come with the annual doctor's exam and hoping he reflects OUT LOUD about my weight loss. He looks concerned. Not good.

"What's this little lump?"

Doesn't sound like a comment admiring my thighs, does it? He pokes. Prods. Then asks me to stand up and strain like I'm taking a poop. This is fun.

"You've got a hernia," he says.

I let loose some curse words that would make a truck driver reach for his rosaries.

"How did this happen, Doc? I want answers."

"It's caused by a weakness in the muscle walls. Perhaps when you were carrying the twins..."

"G*ddamn it! Those kids."

"It's really not that big a deal. Simple surgery will correct it."

"I want to know what caused it. Who is to blame? Could it be my choice in extra-strength undergarments?"

"No. Excessive exercising perhaps. Straining of any kind. Non-traditional sex. Maybe too much yoga."

"You've hit on every hobby I have. Thanks."

"How many sit-ups you do every day?"

"Two hundred."

"Sweet Jesus. That might be the problem."

"Feel these abs."

"Do you ever lift your children? Don't do that anymore and relax the feminist pose. Let someone else carry groceries and heavy packages."

"Speaking of packages...feel these arms."

"Are you listening to me? You're going to need surgery in the next month or so. Otherwise your innards won't be innards anymore. Are you ever constipated?"

"Well, it is Passover."

"Four cups of prune juice a day and lay off matzo. Too binding."

"You're saying I no longer have to keep Kosher for Passover. Doctor's orders."

"Right."

Hurray for the hernia.

Listen Up

Four years ago, Florida voters demanded Tallahassee do something about overcrowded classrooms. We passed the Classroom Size Amendment in overwhelming numbers. Since then, Republicans have tried to repeal the law and undermine the will of the people.

Enough.

The Florida Democratic Party has created a way for citizens to make their voices heard - yet again - regarding this important topic. Repeating ourselves is necessary until Election Day when we elect representatives who truly represent us and implement the changes we set forth when we go to the polls.

In the meantime, please visit this site and sign the petition. Insist our legislature listen to us. Otherwise, what are we voting for?

"Next year in Colorado Springs!"

Passover is one of my favorite holidays for many reasons. I love the gatherings, food (believe it or not) and stories. The focus on history and tradition, connecting us with people long gone, is heart-warming. I also love the memories from Passovers past.

For example, we still laugh about last year when I was made to produce conversion paperwork after several guests expressed doubt regarding my M.O.T. status.

"Wow, you really are Jewish. Then do something about this matzo ball soup. Vegetable broth makes us all look bad."

I recall feasts with the Cohen/Tobman clan in Boston, always made to feel loved and at home. Before that, family gatherings in beautiful downtown Lutz where I told inappropriate jokes, butchered punch lines and spilled Elijah's wine. (The wine thing happened only once.)

Here's my favorite inappropriate joke:

G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied G-d. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."

So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said G-d, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."

So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" G-d said, "They're free."

The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"

A hit with my in-laws. Every. Single. Time. I wonder what memories we'll make this year?

Cause Charlie Does

Charlie Crist hired this chickie poo as regional data coordinator. What's funnier than that? Girlfriend curses more than my friends from Southie. And is it just me or does she need to relax about John and Claire?

Deep breaths, sista. It's gonna be all right.

Anyone wanna help her out? C - she's all yours. I'm sure you will be happy together. And I love love love how she deplores stupidity and "retarded statements" all while ignoring spell check.

Maybe that means she's passionate. God bless her. Gotta love the crazies.

There's a New Chef in Town

At dinner parties where I provide food, my brother often makes the following announcement: “I'd like to direct your attention to the appetizers. Load up on cheese and crackers, folks, otherwise you'll starve.”

Everyone laughs and I try to think happy thoughts. Funny kid. Other guests whisper, “I thought she only used her oven to hide liquor bottles.” Ha. Ha. Ha.

How ya like me now?

New best friend Jeff, Tampa Tribune’s most entertaining writer, wrote about the joys and challenges of cooking vegetarian meals during Passover. Since I am the area’s Token Vegetarian Jew, who else is he gonna ask? Let’s face it; I’m the only show in town. Jeff and I talked and laughed about healthy eating, being raised Catholic and the life of a converted Jew. My poor mother. If a piece isn’t about my breasts, it’s about how I turned my back on the Pope.

The kicker? Jeff sent a photographer over last night to take pictures of me. Cooking. After reading the story, I can just hear complaint calls coming in now.

“What’s with the hair?”

“Hello, yes, I’d like to comment about Katie Robinson. The b*tch can’t do toast.”

“A former shiksa explaining Kashrut hurts my head. Cancel my subscription.”

“Why does she look so angry? Not sexy at all.”

"A hundred Jews in the Bay area. This is the best you could do?"

Adding insult to injury, Colorado Husband came home yesterday and I’m all, “Love you! Miss you! Please deal with the kids while I strike a pose.”

The pictures turned out good, considering what they had to work with…

I almost wore my favorite shirt (“Hey, Betty Crocker – Suck It!”) while smacking kids with a spatula, but my family’s been through enough. Besides, I wanna stay on Jeff’s good side. Eventually he’ll do a story on the seductive power of organic latkes during Chanukah.

I just hope he remembers my number.

Men Who Teach

According to The Tampa Tribune, male teachers make parents nervous. From my point of view as both teacher and parent, men are a godsend. Education wouldn't be nearly as effective without them.

Most teachers are female. Combine lower wages and a career that operates less like a business and more like a dysfunctional family - it's no wonder men look elsewhere for employment. However, students benefit from different world views and experiences. One advantage to paying our teachers a better salary would be attracting more men into the workplace. They'd bring new ideas and points of view. Not to mention a certain charm...but I digress.

Elementary schools are suffering from lack of male perspectives. Perhaps men steer clear of early education for the same reasons I do - annoying children and too much estrogen in the teacher's lounge. I'd rather haul trash; however, my hat's off to those who can handle uptight marms in support hose while exposing our young children to a diverse teaching population. When spotting a male teacher in my childrens' school, I give a grateful smile and encouraging word. Before checking out his abs, of course...but I digress.

As grades go up, men are a common site in the halls and more accepted in a traditionally female environment.

Or are they?

Most male colleagues complain of unwanted attention. They don't really complain, now that I think about it, they just remark matter-of-factly that sexual tension exists when women outnumber men twenty-to-two. One grade-school teacher I know is routinely referred to as a "great piece of ass" by female teachers. In their defense, though, he does pack the heat... but I digress.

Female/male ratios relax in higher education, but men are still in the minority. This sometimes has unexpected consequences.

For example, after prolonged exposure to women, men exhibit sensitive qualities. In other words, they get their "b*tch on". Some tend to gossip, others get teary-eyed, and most overshare at faculty meetings. Afterwards, they compensate by engaging in traditionally macho activities like coaching and hitting happy hour. Still others go further with online encounters, drunken late-night phone calls, and strip club outings.

Thank God, by the way, otherwise I'd die of boredom...again, I digress.

Say it loud and proud - despite articles to the contrary, we appreciate our male teachers. They add a needed dose of testosterone and bring with them a breath of fresh air.

And ladies, let's not forget about those abs.

Turns Out, Kosher Ain’t So Kosher

As a Jewish vegetarian, I've always felt a certain amount of pride in my religion's Kosher laws. Kashrut guidelines elevate something all animals do, the act of eating, and make it holy. The laws don't imply, they state outright that, when eating meat, people must acknowledge one of God's creatures is dead. We are required to separate life (milk) from death (meat) and alter our eating habits to reflect that distinction. In other words, show some respect.

Not a bad way to break bread, huh?

I've often told goyim friends, who insist on meat with every meal (God bless those arteries!), to go the Kosher route. At the very least, I tell them, the animal was killed in the most humane way possible and the meat is as healthy as carcass can be.

I know. Vegetarian of the year.

Which is why I now say, with a sad and heavy heart, that I was wrong to give such advice. You're probably thinking, "Katie? Wrong? No!" I'm shocked, too. Check out this site and click on the video with Jonathan Safran Foer. Kosher eggs aren't even all they're cracked up to be.

Another Jewish writer, Isaac Bashevis Singer, said it best: "To be a vegetarian is to disagree - to disagree with the course of things today... starvation, cruelty - we must make a statement against these things. Vegetarianism is my statement. And I think it's a strong one."

At your Seder Wednesday night, try an avocado pit instead of shank bone. Make it a Vegetarian Passover. If I can whip up a delicious and healthy meal that satisfies even the most die-hard dead-animal eater, anyone can. And to my Gentile peeps - consider a cruelty-free Easter Sunday.

Let my lamb and people go.

Blasts from Pasts

I find it interesting that my post last month on IRR keeps getting viewed and sometimes comments abound. Take a look for yourself and yes, I do enjoy stirring the pot. I'd hate for recent opinions to float away in cyberspace without a second pair of eyes upon them. That would be most unfair.

And this post from September is also popular.

Could it be two posts that seem quite different - military policy and taking a poop - are really quite similar?

I'm asking.

A Zimmerman as good as Bob

Carl Zimmerman is a Democrat running for the State House of Representatives in District 48, which covers parts of both Pasco and Pinellas counties. If you live in Oldsmar, East Lake, Clearwater, Palm Harbor or Tarpon Springs - Carl could be your guy.

Playing the part of roving reporter, I asked Carl the kinds of questions in which you, the voter, would be most interested. Don't thank me, it's what I get paid big bucks to do. Oh, wait. Well, I guess I do it because I enjoy close proximity to potential power. Gives me goose bumps.

If you want more in-depth answers to better questions, check out Carl's website. And don't forget to vote!

The Interview

What sets you apart from other candidates?
I believe I not only have a better understanding of the complexity of the issues currently facing this state, but I'm in a better position to do something about them. I have detailed plans for education, homeowners insurance, affordable housing, and health care. And, as a Democrat, I won't be pressured to follow the Republican Party line like the other candidates. No matter how open-minded they may be, they will, in effect, be a rubber stamp.

Are you still teaching at Countryside High?
Yes, since October, 1985.

What are the areas of education that you believe are in most need of improvement?
Where do I begin? First, we need to get rid of FCAT. Everything about it has been destructive to a good education. It began with the loss of 10 - 15% of our teaching time that has to be used to either test or prepare to test for FCAT; the loss of many electives so we can devote more time for remedial work; the loss of teacher input in curriculum because the focus became FCAT; the use of it as a threat - to schools for a grade and to students who need to pass it for graduation; and the shifting of focus away from a holistic approach to student development to a regimented disciplined approach. The victims are the vast majority of students that no longer find school to be an enjoyable place to prepare for life and the teachers, many of whom now just want to bail out.

The second area is a whole new look at what we teach and why we teach it. The curriculum is basically structured the same as it was when public schools began in the mid 1800's except we now have to teach 100 times more information. Something has to give. The way schools are structured doesn't reflect the real world. History, English, Math, etc. don't exist as separate entities. They are merged through-out occupations. It's no wonder kids have always asked "why do I need to know this?" When curriculum is integrated, that question is moot.

How will you help make Florida education better?
We've tried having teachers reinvent education, but that's difficult to do when you've only known one way. We've tried having business people do it (as we have now) and that doesn't work because they don't have a clue about the day to day dealings or what realistic expectations are. I think we need a blending of the two including those that have been in both situations.
My proposal is to restructure schools to better prepare students by using their current avocational interests to help put more meaning into what we know, as adults, they need to know. Education through application. It's not a new concept. It has proved to be very successful in academy based schools where the faculty has a clear understanding of the mission and the time to prepare to implement it. But there isn't a one formula fits all and that's where this governor has really missed the point. Teachers need the freedom to adjust to meet the needs of their students. And let's get back to some fun stuff like fashion shows and lip syncs and in-school plays.

Until recently, you were a Republican. Now, as a Democrat, you say that your values haven't changed. How so?
Some of the basic core values that the Republican Party used to claim like fiscal responsibility, less government interference and separation of church and state. Those were the reasons I had signed on with that party. Now they are the party against those basic rights. I am very happy being a Democrat.

You're a fan of independent films. What makes them better than Hollywood blockbusters?
First, they are braver. They are willing to cover lifestyles that are real, situations that are personal, and political positions that are risky. Hollywood is too much about a formula. I believe independent film may be the future and last hope to get truth out to an audience. The press has been weakened.

Do you believe that high school students should pick a major? When you were a freshman in high school, what did you want to be?
I think this approach, while noble in its intent, is foolish. Again, it's an all or nothing approach. Of course these kids can't make a decision like that in 8th grade. My son would have picked NFL running back. I would have picked rock star. However, using their current interests to teach them other things is what academies are all about. And offering a wider offering of electives and giving them more real-world experiences is the pathway to turn the switch on.

Is this a way to help students who aren't planning on college to prepare for a career after high school?
Again, we have to get rid of FCAT first. They can't get to the business of discovering their interest as long as FCAT is steering the hours of the day. Only 20% of the current freshmen in high school will ever get a degree, so we should be better preparing these kids for a successful, enjoyable future. Partnerships with business as either interns or business sponsored contests where the students get to impress the business people are some ideas.

In Massachusetts, the governor and legislature are working on a law that will insure every resident. Can such legislation work in Florida? Is there a better way to solve our health care crisis?
It's yet to be seen whether it will work up there, but Florida is a different place. They have a much higher number of people that have health care insurance already. They also have a greater per capita income. However the basic concept of mandatory insurance combined with mandated contributions from business is a real plan for success. I have been pushing for state subsidized (and I have a way to partly cover this) indigent health care that would lessen the burden on the rest of us, but Massachusetts's new plan opens up new possibilities. The bottom line is we have to solve this crisis.

On your website, there is an American flag. From what country is the other flag and what language is posted? What is the translation?
It is Greek and the translation is "Fighting for Florida's Future" The site is also mirrored en espanol. I am very proud of that.

Apples and Oranges

I asked this question over at Sticks and the answers amused me.

Cowboys v. Rednecks: Is there a difference?

I will soon trade Wesley Chapel for Colorado Springs, rednecks for cowboys. I don't see much of a difference, but others do.

Tommy: "Cowboys raise animals. Rednecks get emotionally involved."
Editengine: "Cowboys have a wife and a job, rednecks have a restraining order and unemployment checks."
John: "...Rednecks have been portrayed as sodomite rapists in cinema while Cowboys have just been exposed as Gay (insert “quit you” jokes here)"

What do you think?

We're All in This Together

I have two little boys and can’t quite get my head around the idea they are disadvantaged. They are male. They are white. They are Jewish…okay, some haters will discriminate against them for Heeb-related issues. Nevertheless, they are otherwise privileged simply for being them.

Should I still be concerned?

Fight Club came out the same time Stiffed reared its ugly head. Movie and book tried to convince us that men weren’t so large and in charge anymore. In fact, the movie fictionalized what happens when men are reared by independent women, feel unimportant, are discarded by society or valued only for their appearance. Apparently, they beat the sh*t out of each other and blow up buildings. Right. Several other books suggested that men were angry at a changing role both within families and society in general. They were no longer in control. American Beauty hinted at this as well - when women get strong, men get weak.

Please. Men can evolve just like everyone else. They're no longer needed as hunter/gatherers, but they're still needed. At least until vibrators start mowing the lawn.

Kidding. Calm down, C.

A few months ago, Newsweek wrote an in-depth report on boys. The article implied that as we focus on girls and champion their advancement, boys get the short end of the stick. Seriously? Have they been in a classroom lately where boys are three times more likely to get called on than girls? Just because females are catching up, doesn’t mean males are slowing down. It’s thinly veiled sexism to suggest otherwise. Smacks of the same “minorities are taking over the country” mentality.

Men run most governments and businesses throughout the world. They aren’t just in power, they are power. Are we to believe that power is currently under attack?

I don’t buy it.

A new website has formed to help our brothers. Obviously, troubled boys exist and need help getting through this thing called life. (Males commit more crimes for a reason.) If doctors and therapists want to help boys sort through emotions and avoid victimizing others, that helps all of us. These concerns are not new. My daily Torah reading is filled with stories about men from the Biblical era who needed a strong, male deity to set forth some rules on how to behave properly. Male issues have nothing to do with changing roles or Calvin Klein ads.

Get to the core of the issue and stop implying strong women or (the dreaded word) feminism is to blame. Such a theory encourages scapegoating and misogyny. That won't help anyone.

Including our boys.

Dr. 33607

I had my long-awaited consultation with Tampa's Master of Plastic Surgeons yesterday. Good news: He's seen worse. Bad news: $20K to make it right.

Fun conversation.

Me: I know it's a lot of money, but...
Husband: You're perfect just the way you are.
(Translation: Good God, woman. We have college tuition and two bar mitzvahs to think about.)
Me: This isn't vanity. Not completely. I'm not going to leave the hospital looking like Pamela Anderson. I just want my old body back.
(Silence)
Me: I don't ask for much.
Husband: (Chokes on water and tries not to laugh.)
Me: I really don't. After all, I carried our children and now it's only fair that I should be able to...
Husband: Oh, the trump card. What happened to that earthy hippie who rejected convention and hardly wore makeup? You used to say you'd never even color your hair.
Me: What the hell did I know? Remember - I wore patchouli oil and paid someone to ink my belly. Who does that? By the way, tummy tuck's going to remove those tattoos.
Husband: Your mom might pay for this whole thing based on that information alone.
Me: We'll save and I'll come home for the procedure next summer.
Husband: Great. Grilled cheese sandwiches for a year.
Me: But I'll look good in a bathing suit.
Husband: That'll matter in Colorado.

Maybe I should tally up the totals for the next twelve months - write a monthly progress report. Honestly, I can hardly wait. I'd walk the streets at night to get this done.

And I'm doing much better than I thought after a 45-minute grope session under fluorescent lighting. On my way into his office, Becky called and said, "You're going to get naked in front of someone?" I said, "Yes and I haven't even had a drink first!"

Gotta love a man who can handle the girls and kibbitz about Pesach all at the same time. That's a professional and my kind of doctor.

395 days to go...

What else would you like to know?

I enjoy watching James Lipton work his magic In the Actor's Studio. At the end of every interview, he asks his guests the following questions. Settle a bet and send me your answers or post them in comments. I get a kick out of you people and will publish the most entertaining responses. Here are mine:

What is your favorite word?
"Yes."

What is your least favorite word?
"No."

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
"Sincere kindness and flattery. Knowledge of political/historical events. An easy laugh or smile. Deep eyes. And a tight ass."

What turns you off?
"Cruelty. Deliberate or otherwise." (DISCLAIMER: Not perfect, I have been guilty of this several times. In fact, some would call my entire website, and writing in general, deliberately cruel.)

What is your favorite curse word?
"Suck. Used properly, it's the best one."

What sound or noise do you love?
"A belly laugh from my boys."

What sound or noise do you hate?
"Rowdy students yelling at the same time."

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
"Mercenary."

What profession would you not like to do?
"The guy who says, 'Thank you, Mr. President' every day to Dubya."

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"Your secret's safe with me."

Not Approved

I don’t believe in unrequited love. Never have. In fact, I hardly believe in love at all. I try to reject overused concepts that break hearts and choke on clichés. Still. A simple search indicates I’ve used the word “love” at least fifty times on my own site.

Which means I’m part of the problem. Damn.

Anyhoo, not counting all the sarcastic ways to abuse the word, my point remains that love is a many complicated thing. I seriously love my family and close friends - that’s it. My husband is the only man I’ve ever loved romantically and I waited good and long before giving my heart to him. Poor guy. Took years.

That’s why I don’t believe in unrequited love. How can you possibly love that which does not love you back? Sure, there’s unrequited lust or affection. Been there, done that. But love? Impossible. Such a condition indicates bad taste and a lack of self-worth.

So ugly. So not me.

To rework that famous Groucho Marx saying: I’d never belong to a club that wouldn’t have me as a member. Such a club would simply be no fun at all.

Which brings me to my mailbox Saturday afternoon. I received a letter from Hillsborough County School District. My employer returned forms filled out (before Colorado became a consideration) for next year. I was to return to Superior High School and, as a result, needed to place my children in an elementary school nearby so we’d be close during the day.

Such requests are usually honored. First of all, as a principal once told me, picking our children’s school is the only perk teachers get. (Unless you count free chalk.) Secondly, I teach special needs students, which is a critical shortage area. As a result, the district wants to keep us happy and employed in its schools. If having our children nearby keeps us happy and in the district, everybody wins.

Therefore, I sent in paperwork and expected to make the move a reality. It was also a major reason I wanted to stay in Tampa – providing a familiar and comfortable home and education for my kids. Saturday, I received the district’s response. Two words: Not Approved.

No explanation. No apology. No “I only like you as a friend” rationalization. Nothing. Just the proverbial blow off.

My friend Sharon used to say, “Don’t go after someone who doesn’t want you. Just drop the reigns and let the horse keep on trottin’.” I’m still in touch with that emotion. Which is a whole lot better than asking, through tears, “Why? Was it something I said?”

The district’s rejection could be an error or bureaucratic snafu. I’m sure it’s not personal – not in a district of over 69,000 students. I suppose I’ll never know. These sort of happenings (first my husband’s job and now this?) make the inevitable move just a tiny bit easier. I won’t pursue a town or district that seems to provide sign after sign after sign that our home and future lies elsewhere. If you listen closely, you can almost hear Florida whispering: Get out. I tried to love Tampa, I really did. It just didn’t love me back. So I’m out.

Got a heart to protect and all.

Passover Humor

In preparation for Passover, go here and click on Matzah!

Good stuff.

A Moving Experience

Back in 2000, when preparing to leave Boston, I researched local moving companies and even checked with the Better Business Bureau. After calling references, we went with fellow Heebs' Aviv Moving and Storage.

Big mistake.

Members of my very own tribe stored our property in an uninsured facility which caught fire a month before we moved into our new home. Property not burned was ruined anyway due to water damage. We were only able to salvage a few personal items and some pictures. Yes, we paid extra for insurance which, we later learned, only covered items in transit. Gotta love fine print! After several attorneys and even an interview with "consumer reporter" Hank Phillippi Ryan, we recovered nothing, nada, zip. Not one dime.

Can't wait to move again!

If anyone out there knows of a reputable moving company, in Tampa this time - please post a comment or email me privately. I promise to blame you politely.